Confessions of a SS - long
FloF9
member
A quick recap of SS fitness routine since he's been back from summer bootcamp. I joined a women's triathalon team last month (I'm on week 3) and have tried to engage him to jog/bike the off days to no avail.
I have refurbished our fridge with health alternative snacks. He's joined the Junior ROTC - including the physica training, as well as ballroom dancing once a week for an hour after school. He also has Young Marines every other Saturday - they work out from 9 am to 3 pm.
However, I have noticed that he hasn't really lost any weight. When he first came back from camp he was constantly feeling nauseous and whenever he ate something he would complain of stomach pains and go throw up. I was alarmed that this started seeming "bulemic" and we had a talk about it. Also he stated when he was in camp he held his poop. I honestly don't know how he did it - it was 3 weeks. So perhaps at the time he was vomiting because there was no other way for the food to go since he wasn't pooping. So when I had a talk with him about the dangers of bulemia - all of a sudden these nauseous episodes stopped happening.
So fast forward to yesterday night. DH was playing cards with some friends and SS and I were watching the Biggest Loser show. He confessed that after school he rides to DH's job. DH asks him to go to the store to buy soda, and tells him to keep the change (about $3). SS says that this happens often but instead of saving this - he buys a small Gatorade (packed with sugar and I talked to him about these sports drinks), a swiss roll cake snack, and a bag of M&M's. I asked him if he does this every day? He replied at least 4 times a week - that his father never notices because he eats all of this before he gets back to the job.
He asked me how he could stop and frankly I told him that I have been trying to help him. I have attempted to assist with healthy snacks, but that the behavior as to WHY he does this needs to be addressed by a professional. He then told me our counselor we're going to doesn't "do anything" - again he uses these excuses. Mind you it's only been 4 times since we've gone. I told him that counselors aren't mind readers - we had to open up and give the counselors information so they could recommend or assist. Up to now SS hasn't told anyone - so how are we supposed to know if he hides such behavior.
The good thing is he is fully aware he has a food addiction and has asked for help (to me anyway). I did tell my DH and he was floored - I explained that he was going to have to help by changing his own eating habits or getting his own snacks himself. We will be sure to let the counselor know during the next appointment.
Re: Confessions of a SS - long
At least he is starting to open up to you and has realized that he has an addiction to food. I hope he starts to open up to his counselor and things really start to improve. DH needs to stop giving him money to get something at the store, it definetly isn't helping the situation. I would continue what you are doing and keep asking him to join you on your rides and runs, maybe one of these times he will surprise you and join you. Good Luck!
Drew - this is exactly what I told him. I told him he had to start the conversation. He STILL hasn't talked to the counselor about his thoughts about his mother. I'm pretty sure his eating disorder stems a lot from that too. He wants to feel accepted, he wants to be attractive, he wants to feel liked, he wants to belong, he wants to be assured that he is loved. These issues are so major now that he is in HS. I pray he can just have the courage to talk about it.
Can I suggest a different option? I think you need to take the focus off of ?losing weight? and more on ?healthy living.? Right now, in his little, warped, teenage mind, he has to do all this athletics because ?he?s fat and his stepmom is making him lose weight? (And I?ll be damed if you can find a boy that actually wants to be both a Young Marine and a ballroom dancer, but that?s beside the point.), and he can?t eat anything fun because ?he?s fat and his stepmom is making him lose weight.? He isn?t making the mental jump to understanding WHY he needs to make some changes in his life.
This kid apparently loves to eat. So start teaching him to cook! Start going over recipes with him, dishes he likes to make, etc. and let him help plan meals for the week, let him learn how to discover ways to make his favorite dishes healthier, etc. ALSO, let him learn how to make some desserts that ARE healthier (baked apples, etc.) so that his nutritional life is not one long carrot stick.
Right now, every minute of his time is regulated, a lot of what he wears is regulated thanks to ROTC and the marines, and every thing he eats is micromanaged thanks to you. Doing things like avoiding No. 2 at boot camp and sneaking in snacks may be the only way he can exert any control over his life. Control issues are where eating disorders start, not body weight issues. Perhaps if he can start making some actual decisions about what he wants to do, he will be able to start eating better.
Also, I wouldn?t freak too much about the weight loss right now. He?s an adolescent, his hormones are all over the place, his body may need a few years to settle it all out. BUT, if he?s eating healthier and exercising more, he will still be living a healthier lifestyle, and ultimately that will help him.
Oh, and kick your husband in the shins for sending the kid out to buy treats, whether they were for your husband or anyone else. Way to enable, big guy...
I think Sparky makes some excellent points. Encopresis is the terminology for withholding stool. You might want to look into it. If it's something he's not done until recently, it is almost definitely a control issue, just as anorexia and bulimia are control issues. Sneaking food is a different issue altogether; he eats to feel better or to fill a(n emotional) void. He needs to discuss it with his counselor. If this counselor isn't working, find one who will, someone who is skilled working with teens, particularly those with eating and control disorders. Different counselors have different styles and he might find one that works better. Or...he won't because not talking is also a method of controlling the situation.
Good luck.
I agree with pps who said to look into the holding in poo issue. I'm glad he's in counseling and it sounds like he's headed in the right direction - opening up to you and being ready to tackle issues with some help.
I understand he's got weight issues, but I'd work on the poo issue first and the healthy eating second. Start making sure he's getting fiber and back off a little on the control of what else he eats. A pop and bag of M&Ms a day is not a great habit, but not an unusual one for teens.
Sprky - I don't ever call him fat or am constantly tell him to lose weight. This job is his BM job okay?. She's the vain *** that makes him feel like *** because he's a big boy right now. She's the one that comments about his man boobs and his "big girl thighs".
As for the Young Marines and for JR Rotc - when he went to register and saw the presentation for both he agreed that it would be a good idea. He decided to sign up for ballroom dancing because he loves the show "So you think you can dance" and some of the past contestants will visit his school to train them.
I don't go shopping for food and then tell him it's because he's a lazy fat ass. For you accuse me of micromanaging his life is pretty rude. The activities he's signed up for are pretty normal and not overbearing for any normal HS year old. (Who every had soccer practice, choir, swimming, band, etc....)
I think your idea of helping him cook is a wonderful idea and I certaily thank you for that.
First off, I want to apologize. I was unduly harsh and really, I didn't mean to be. I haven't checked the PM yet (honestly, I'm kindofskeered to), but I wanted to let you know I didn't mean to come across as a wench.
What I was trying to say is that increasing his own control over the issue will probably help, and that no matter the intent, teens can kind of suck and not hear the actual message. I don't think you wander around all day calling him fat or anything.
I think you're doing the best you can, and I hope you all are doing well.
Ummm, I did not poop for 12 days on our honeymoon....seriously. I am sure I won't go for 9 when we go on our cruise in October. I just can't go when I am in a strange environment, even when I am comfortable in that environment (ie my BFF's beach house in FL where I had a private gorgeous bathroom). You can bet your sweetass I would not poop at camp either.
Not that it is safe, or healthy, but it might not be a something he can control. I will want to go, feel like going, but it just won't happen. I get home, and Bam, no problem.
As for the rest of it, I think it sounds like he is on the right track. He is in counseling, he is willingly participating in great activities (which will hopefully help with his social skills as well as his physical health) and he is interested in trying to make better choices. Those are all really good things. Keep watching for signs of problems, but this is going to be a long road, and things are not going to change over night, or even in a few months. Keep up the good work.
If you're willing to risk a bowel obstruction, you may want to speak to someone about this. What you are doing is dangerous.