Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I know this has been discussed before but struggling...

We went out with a few friends Saturday night, and some new couples.. One of the girls I didn't know asked if I had kids... I said I had one, my son Jack, and she went on to ask if I wanted more.

I'm struggling with what to say to people.  My therapist says I care way too much about other people's feelings and protecting them, but it's socially awkward to say yes, I had a baby and she died. 

What do you girls say?  I need to assert myself more but I just can't find the words.

Re: I know this has been discussed before but struggling...

  • I was asked this morning if I had kids and I said no, but my face got really hot and red. I'm sure I looked like a total freak.

    But I see it this way--I don't currently have any kids. I had a baby who died. If anyone asks if I'd like to have kids, I would probably be more apt to share because it's a more personal question, but the general "do you have?" is superficial, so I feel like it deserves a superficial answer.

  • I get asked if we're going to have MORE all the time. Every single damn day. We're older, too. so people really think it's their business to make sure we're on the ball with it. lol. They mean well. No one is out to get me with that statement. I have to remind myself that.

    I usually say "we're working on it" and if I want to, I typically add "it's not always as easy as people think" or "we've had a lot of troubles" ... and usually that either shuts them up, or they are curious enough or care enough to ask more about it, and I elaborate depending on circumstance.

    I had a cousin this weekend, at a funeral of all things, go ON and ON about it, saying things like "well, it sure must be fun trying...." and stuff like that.

    Um, no. Obligatory Conception Sex sucks. I hate it. He hates it. There's nothing fun about having sex on demand and then having it not work. And then if it DOES work, it fails soon after, or you fear it might. Yea, not fun. But you can't say that to your cousin at a funeral. So you smile and just pretend you're smacking her across the face instead. lol.

    More lines I've used or liked..

    I have angels in heaven, (and one here on earth...)

     I have children in my heart, and hoping for a new baby soon....

    and things like that.

    and sometimes my favorite is just a smile, and then say:

    Why do you ask?



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  • Disclosing your M/C or stillbirth is such a personal thing and you're right, its awkward to tell someone you had a baby but she died. I had a M/C with my 1st pregnancy than a living daughter and 2 more M/C's. When people ask me how many children I have I tell them 1, because they are asking how many living children you have. And don't feel bad about NOT including your M/C's babies, although it weighs heavy on your heart YOU know you have 3 or 4 or 5. No one else needs to know about what happened ( obviously unless they're you're greatest frnd family etc..but social aquantinces are just trying to make conversation they don't want to or need to know about your heartaches, and I personally wouldn't want to let someone in on that.) I hope this doens't sound callous or mean I'm not trying to make it sound that way but its hard to express tone and emotion in a post Smile   ::hugs:: And when ppl ask if you want more, just tell them " one day, when the times right".
  • I have been dealing with this for almost 5 years and sorry to say that it never gets easier.  It doesn't get easier because you have mother's guilt.  If you don't say something about the child you lost, then you feel guily.  (at least, I do)

    But awhile ago I had to start letting myself not feel guilty.  My Samuel knows that I love him, I think about about him every minute of every day.  I do not have to justify that by telling some stranger about him.

    You also have to start not worrying about other people.  Them feeling awkward is not your problem.  Losing a child, unfortunetely is a part of life.  People lose children everyday...just like people die, get sick, have tragedies.  If they feel awkward about these things, it is them...not you.

    I lost my son at full term.  His identical twin survived.  So, we run into many awkward moments and comments. 

    My rule of thumb is this: Samuel is a part of our family.  Because he was full term, I have things of his (footprints, pictures etc) all over my house. Even if your baby was not full term you may have things as rememberance (candles, poems etc).  So, people are going to know about my child if they are a part of my life.  If it is someone that I think I will see again or often...my hair dresser, friend of my mother in law, children's teacher...then I am open about our loss.

    If it is someone that I will never see again, I let it go...cashier, mailman etc.

    With the people you don't tell...you can not feel guilty and you are not doing anything wrong. 

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  • We just had this happen to us over the weekend. We were shopping for a new car (totally an emotional purchase) and had DD with us. The car salesman turns to me and tells me that I need to give her a little brother or sister... RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!

    Now I understand that he doesn't know about my situation but less than two weeks since the D&C and that hurt so bad emotionally. I didn't cry (which I was very proud of myself for) and just shot him a look and said "we're working on that" with a STFU look on my face. I think he got the message. Thank god DD was so busy running around that it didn't even process with her. I could just imagine her saying something like "mommy's dr. had to take the baby to become our angel" and then I would have lost it!

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  • I struggled with this question for a long time. It has been one that has haunted me. I think it is a very personal decision. For me, I have more of a personal issue denying that we had Haleigh than stating that we have. Therefore, I have decided to say that we have a child. Depending on who the person is- I will either add nothing or state that she is passed.

    Again, I think you have to decide what you are comfortable with and who you are comfortable telling.

    I am really sorry for your loss.

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