And the nanny does it again...VENT
This is purely a vent. I know this isn't the best situation for our girl, but really, we've looked at all the other options and for the money we don't have, we have to make this one work. I don't think this is a fatal error, but I'm not altogether happy with the latest example of her independent decision making, either, so wanted to see what you all thought about my reactions to it. Make sense?
So nanny takes HC to this mall-type area today. It's a bit farther than they've gone before, and we're not as familiar with that part of town, but no big deal. She told DH where she was headed and that's what we asked her to do.
Found out from her today that they DID go there as planned. However, they also deviated and went to a park nearby that we've never seen. Again, not a huge deal. Good to know now, but whatever.
What she also did, and what I'm having a problem with now, is she took my daughter to the house of some friend of hers, whom I've never met and that I've never seen. I'm NOT okay with that. Apparently this woman even gave HC a stuffed bunny. Not a huge deal in and of itself, but this nanny has sort of proven herself to be unreliable in terms of judgment most of the time, so I have to assume her friend has no clue either about what types of toys pose choking hazards to kids under 3 (little glass eyeballs, etc.).
So. I'm angry that she took HC to the house of a total stranger. Question is, is this a fair reaction? The nanny would throw herself in front of a truck if it was a threat to HC; I don't doubt her commitment to our kid. I do, however, doubt her ability to make sound judgment calls most of the time if it's not scripted out for her. And apparently she felt it was okay to take HC to this person's house today without letting us know she was going to do that. (I'm assuming DH didn't okay this; I could be wrong here.)
I know we should find another nanny, or another daycare. Problem is, we cannot afford another nanny and I'm not willing to try another daycare until she's older. Am I overreacting?
Re: And the nanny does it again...VENT
Hate to be blunt and it's just my 2 cents, but if I didn't trust her judgment, I wouldn't trust her with my kid.
If you think you want to keep her though, I'd make her stay home or at least specifically limit where they can go to one park and one indoor play place that you are comfortable with.
I will not go where the path may lead, I will go my own way and leave a trail. Gaudium, Aut Vium Invenium Aut Facium
Happiness, Either I will Find a Way or I will Make one
We're scheduling monthly "check-in" meetings with her so we can address some of these issues and discuss any concerns she has. Basically it's just aggravating that she seems to think something's okay with us when it's not, but she does seem to learn from each experience what's okay to do and what's not okay. So I think there's the potential to see more improvement, and it's not a total lost cause.
Have I ever mentioned she's 63 years old???!? A spry 63, to be sure, but it's like having one of our parents babysit, and their generation has different ideas of appropriate childcare from ours. No saying which is more right or wrong, but we're working to bridge the generation gap too.
My main concern for her is feeling like I can't be honest and express my true sense of worry about her decision-making or judgment calls because (and this is partly my therapist training talking; might disregard this otherwise, better or worse) she's SO afraid of getting in trouble, being yelled at, being disapproved of. So we have to tread carefully about how we deliver our message(s) so that she's got a chance of hearing them, processing and internalizing them, and still feeling like she's doing a good enough job that she doesn't need to quit out of a sense of failure. But that holding back is what's so frustrating to me, so here we are again with something that happened that bothers me but no outlet for it. But that's the purpose of the check-ins. So wish me luck, thanks very much for reading and responding, and hopefully I won't be venting anytime soon!
NO WAY!!!! This was some 19 year old dumbasss in my mind. I never imagined a 63 year old woman would dream of dragging along a little one to get her nails done.
Is the problem that you have that you are uncomfortable being the 'boss' because she's older than you? I don't think that you're over reacting by being upset that she took HC to a strangers house. I do think that you're making matters worse by overthinking everything. I would have addressed it with her and moved on, but that's just me. I would just say to her "we have asked you not to take HC anywhere without checking with us first. I'd appreciate it if you would be more careful with that, including going to parks and visiting people we do not know." Short and sweet. If you don't have any immediate plans to get rid of her, that's really the only option I can think of is to just stay really up and up with her. I'd talk to her daily rather than monthly about issues.
I had some wacky issues with my nanny but lucky (or not so lucky really) for me she had a 'medical problem' and eased on down the road.
Good luck and vent away!
I'm with K&P, I pictured some young girl with not a care in the world. I also wondered if this has to do with your feeling like you are disciplining "your mom". I have managed people older than me before and I had issues with stuff like that. There was a lot of resentment towards me from the woman who'd worked there for 43 years. She did not take direction well from someone who was 50 years her junior.
And, yeah I understand an older generation not getting what we get so uptight about. My mom is 65 and every time we spend time with her, all I hear is, "Well I did that with you kids and you turned out fine. It's amazing you all survived!". (It gets old)
But that is good. I pictured her taking your baby to her friends house to smoke pot and/or watch inappropriate things on tv. Which is not to say a 63 year old wouldn't do those things, but the likelihood is lower.
Ditto others. Outline where she can and can't go. Tell her she has to check in with you if a new location comes up and if she can't get a hold of you or your DH, she cannot go.
Personally, I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would be angry and I have been in your shoes with our last nanny. Once I found out that they went one place instead of another that she told me, we had a long talk. I explained that as the parent, I am totally responsible for my daughter. That means I need to know where she is at all times. If something happens (God forbid) I need to know where they are or have been. Our rules are simple - she tells me where they are going when they leave. If they are out and want to go somewhere else, she has to text me and tell me where. No playdates at stranger's houses (ie: people DH or I do not know) /no personal friend visits whatsoever.. We are very clear on this with our nanny's - it's not up for debate. I think if you want that type of behavior to stop you HAVE to address it immediately. I know you mentioned weekly check-in meetings, but too much time may lapse and what if she does it again in the meantime? IMO, it's better to address things sooner than later and you really have to define your wishes/expectations. I get that it's harder giving feedback to someone thats grandmotherly. Just set down and have a heart to heart polite conversation. Tell her something is bothering you and you really need to talk about it and you hope she will be receptive. You both need to be on the same page b/c you are a team. I really do understand your frustration though. Managing nanny's is almost another full time job. We are on our second. I never thought it would be so much stress. Sometimes I really do think daycare is easier and reliable. Hang in there!