Ugh... my bro (vent) — The Bump
Blended Families

Ugh... my bro (vent)

This is a vent. I know I can't do anything about it except to offer advice when requested. But I have to get this off my chest.

My bro is dating someone with a child and is just not handling it very appropriately. He uses the kid to send messages to BF (like to feed him better), thinks they should deny visitation because the BF doesn't have his DL and shouldn't drive, and blows up at the fact that BF doesn't pay CS.

He just doesn't get the idea of using the proper channels to make change happen. I don't envy his situation, but I feel like he is acting like a 12 yo about it.

They plan on getting married next year, and I just don't think that he knows what he's getting into.

Re: Ugh... my bro (vent)

  • Sad Ugh is right! Sounds like he's being pretty immature about it. He's going to be in for a long ride if he doesn't grow up and deal with the situation appropriately. He also may want to remember he isn't that kids parent or step parent yet, he's overstepping a bit.
  • In my opinion a step parent has no rights where the child is involved. ( and I AM a step parent)

    It is fine line you need to walk in these shoes.  Yes, we have rules at our house that need to be followed - both DH and I agree on this, but as far as how the child is raised by the bio parent is up to the bio parents. Not the step parent.  CS is also betweent the bio parents. 

    I think too many people get the wrong idea about these things.

  •     
  • image Mrs.H.:

    In my opinion a step parent has no rights where the child is involved. ( and I AM a step parent)

    It is fine line you need to walk in these shoes.  Yes, we have rules at our house that need to be followed - both DH and I agree on this, but as far as how the child is raised by the bio parent is up to the bio parents. Not the step parent.  CS is also betweent the bio parents. 

    I think too many people get the wrong idea about these things.

    Where did you come from?  This is 99% how I feel, and haven't had anyone agree with me before.  I think of myself as a friend the my step son, and leave the parenting up to my DH unless there is a specific instance that I need to intervene because my DH is missing the boat on something.

    I understand when a child lives with you full time and the bio parent isn't in the picture that changes things a bit, but overall I think you and I agree.

     

    image
  • It sounds like your brother isn?t ready for a blended family.  I THINK he?s coming from a good place, but you?re right; he needs to use the proper channels.  Blended families can be awesome but they are almost the most frustrating thing I?ve ever dealt with.  He needs to read a book or research blended families so he can deal better.

    He should NEVER be sending messages to BF via the child.  EVER.

    I?ve struggled a lot with the unfairness and general BS that goes along with a blended family.  It sounds like he?s going to have to learn about this world and start anger management techniques, like I did LOL

  •     
  • image Karma1969:
    image Mrs.H.:

    In my opinion a step parent has no rights where the child is involved. ( and I AM a step parent)

    It is fine line you need to walk in these shoes.  Yes, we have rules at our house that need to be followed - both DH and I agree on this, but as far as how the child is raised by the bio parent is up to the bio parents. Not the step parent.  CS is also betweent the bio parents. 

    I think too many people get the wrong idea about these things.

    Where did you come from?  This is 99% how I feel, and haven't had anyone agree with me before.  I think of myself as a friend the my step son, and leave the parenting up to my DH unless there is a specific instance that I need to intervene because my DH is missing the boat on something.

    I understand when a child lives with you full time and the bio parent isn't in the picture that changes things a bit, but overall I think you and I agree.

     

    I agree with you as well. While I don't see myself as their "friend", for the most part, I stay out of the decisions that have to do with my SK's cause they have 2 parents that are very capable of doing it. I do inforce the rules when DH isn't around, but he is the primary disciplinarian, makes the decisions regarding their medical, school, religion etc.... along with their mother. I support DH while HE raises his children and fill in the gaps where I can.  We discuss issues to make sure we're on the same page, but HE deals with the ex.

     

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    image

    image

  • image Saran:
    image Karma1969:
    image Mrs.H.:

    In my opinion a step parent has no rights where the child is involved. ( and I AM a step parent)

    It is fine line you need to walk in these shoes.  Yes, we have rules at our house that need to be followed - both DH and I agree on this, but as far as how the child is raised by the bio parent is up to the bio parents. Not the step parent.  CS is also betweent the bio parents. 

    I think too many people get the wrong idea about these things.

    Where did you come from?  This is 99% how I feel, and haven't had anyone agree with me before.  I think of myself as a friend the my step son, and leave the parenting up to my DH unless there is a specific instance that I need to intervene because my DH is missing the boat on something.

    I understand when a child lives with you full time and the bio parent isn't in the picture that changes things a bit, but overall I think you and I agree.

     

    I agree with you as well. While I don't see myself as their "friend", for the most part, I stay out of the decisions that have to do with my SK's cause they have 2 parents that are very capable of doing it. I do inforce the rules when DH isn't around, but he is the primary disciplinarian, makes the decisions regarding their medical, school, religion etc.... along with their mother. I support DH while HE raises his children and fill in the gaps where I can.  We discuss issues to make sure we're on the same page, but HE deals with the ex.

     

    Discipline is one area that I am glad that my bro stepped-in on. Before my bro, the son had never been disciplined. At age 4, he was a hellion. Oh my goodness, it was bad. He started enforcing (and it took a little encouring for his gf to agree) time outs and what not. I don't think that every situation is the same though.

    As far as my bro being a good father figure, he is great. It is just his attitude toward the blended family situation that is ridiculous.

    In my situation, my kids view me as a third parent, and all parents are okay with this. It really depends on the situation, in my eyes.

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