Parenting after 35

whiney vent (long)

Sorry, in advance but I am so crabby that i must vent. Okay, not sure if you all know this but I decided late in life to go back to school and enrolled in grad school. I am enrolled in four classes this semester. I am a Biology major so my courses are heavy. I have classes M, W, F from 8a til 1:30 with only a ten minute break in between two classes. On T & TH I work in the Biology labs as an intern. I get up between five-thirty and six in the morning to get myself ready and the kids ready to school and then drop them off on my way to classes. My partner is the evening bar manager for a very exclusive yacht club. He is home with our Orchid while I am at school and then goes to work either at three or four until ten or eleven most days (when there are weddings etc he is there until one in the morning). As soon as I get home he hands Orchid over to me and just sits around reading his fiction fantasy books until it's time to get ready for work(we live near his work so it takes him only a few minutes to get ready and then get there). When he gets home I heat him up what i made for dinner and he eats, fixes himself a drink, and then sits around reading while I take care of Orchid. She doesn't get to bed until midnight or one and it isn't until AFTER that when I can read and do my course work. I cannot tell you how often this semester that I have gone thirty plus hours without sleep and couldn't begin to guess when was the last time I got more than four hours of sleep at a time. Orchid sleeps while I am school until eleven! I have asked my partner to please wake her up to feed her so that we can begin shifting her schedule, but he says he doesn't wake up until then either because he has to work! He doesn't wash or prepare her bottles, wash or fold her clothes or diapers, or anything else unless I complain (which i abhor doing!!). When he watches her while I am gone he is very attentive and doting and is constantly playing with her and taking short videos or photos of her. I know that he adores her and is a good daddy, but I seriously feel like I am losing my mind from lack of sleep. I have tried explaining this to him a billion times, but because what i do does not generate an income (yet) then I apparently have no right to ask anything of him because he works. We have lived off my savings for about two years so thiskind of attitude is just sucky. Some days i feel like I am going to explode. I have asked that instead of sitting around reading his fantasy book, that perhaps he could take Orchid so I can get other household things done since he clearly is not interested in doing them. This week are my midterms and I have had to be a really big biyatch to get him to help with Orchid while I am home so that I can study. I have tried everything and nothing changes and i am getting really frustrated. I need to find ways to calm myself. Suggestions?

Re: whiney vent (long)

  • Ugh!!!  That is just 100% unacceptable.  And if he is not responding to you sitting down and clearly communicating that YOU.NEED.HELP, I would then approach him and suggest you guys get some marital counseling to figure out HOW to communicate to him effectively what your needs are.  Not wants, needs.  Because he's just not getting it.  And maybe hearing from a neutral 3rd party that he is being a jerk will help him wake up.

    DD -- 5YO
    DS -- 3YO

  • I'm really sorry you're in this situation, and I think it's a legitimate vent.  There's no way I could function on the amount of sleep you're getting.  I think it's important for you guys to have a talk about division of labor and why it's in your daughter's best interest (as well as yours) to shift her schedule even if it means he'll have to start getting up earlier.

    I SAH with Stella, but when my husband and I are both home we share parenting responsibilities 50/50.

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  • My first instinct is that I would be a witch and remind him that you all lived off of your savings for two years and that he needs to step up and help out.  Point out that the better you do in school the better chances of you making a good salary once you get done.

    You've probably tried all of these, but just in case:

    You could point out that he gets "me time" both before and after work while you get none, and ask him to compromise on one side or the other.

    Have you made a list of all of the chores that you take care of?  Maybe seeing it all on paper will make him realize he isn't pulling his weight.

    You said you abhor complaining, but you need to remind him to help out.  Maybe something like "You've been reading for half an hour.  Can you take her for 15 minutes so I can do X?  Or would you rather take care of X?"

    Sorry he is being poopy.  Hope you can find something that helps. GL on midterms!

    DD1 is 3, DD2 is 1.
  • First of all, "late in life?" Hardly.

    Secondly, booooo. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this Kandi. I went to grad school a few years ago and can't begin to imagine what it would be like with an infant, several other kids and an unhelpful partner.

    That's just too much! You need to tell him that, if he loves you, he NEEDS to help you out more and he needs to do it voluntarily.

    Please, for your own sanity, have a serious talk with him about what kind of support you need. He can't lord his job over you when you're working so hard at school. It's not fair!

    ::Hugs and an e-cocktail::

  • Thank you all for your validation and support.

    I bought a giant dry erase board and put it in my kitchen with all the chores that need to be done regularly. I divided it all up and assigned everyone chores. That worked for about a week.

    There is simply no way I can find time to go to marital counseling. I think that being told by yet another person that he is being unreasonable would just make him more obstinate.

    He does understand the correlation between my earning good grades and attaining a position with a larger salary, but I have always somehow found a way to get straight A's, so he just assumes that i always will. He doesn't seem to understand that they are at the expense of my sleep and at this point my sanity and eventually my health.

    I think he is secretly envious and is subconsciously hoping I fail. HIs father is a pediatrician, his mother has a Ph.D in Christian Theology and is now back at school to become an art therapist, his brother has a Master's in Philosophy, his oldest sister is in grad school right now for Pharmacology. His twin sister's both have a bachelor in some kind of business. He is the only one who did not go to college, despite being very intelligent. I think he's realizing now, at 26, that he is not going to be happy just getting by with his looks and charm. He just told me that he wants to go to a good on-line college and of course I am all for it. Maybe then he can appreciate how much I really do work and can allow himself to be happy for my successes. Of course, he wants me to do the research on what on-line college is the best. oy. vey.

  • I wanted to add, that I think your SO is helpful--I just don't think things are balanced right now.  In his mind, he probably thinks he's working around the clock between working at his job and taking care of the baby while you're at school.  I honestly think he doesn't grasp how overwhelmed you feel.

    What you guys are doing is really tough.  You're going to school full-time (which is basically the same as a full-time job), and he's working full-time and you're splitting the childcare between you with no outside help.  I have friends who did this, and it's soooo hard.  I think you need to approach this with him in a way that recognizes how much he does, but he needs to understand that you're getting no downtime and hardly any sleep, and it's not sustainable.  You need more help from him because you can't keep doing what you're doing.

    How much longer will you be in school?  Do you have any family in the area that can help you out at all?

  • That is so wrong. I would think that your sleep is 100% more important than his stupid fantasy books. You need to have a talk with him ASAP and lay down some ground rules. Even though you don't make money yet, that doesn't mean he gets to slack off in the baby department. That's ridiculous. Plus, taking care of a baby and going to school is like having 2 full-time jobs, in my opinion. Good luck and let us know how it goes!
    Me: 44 DH: 42. DS born healthy at 40 weeks 8/24/09. TTC since then with no luck or ART. Surprise BFP 8/6/14... MMC @ 8 weeks 4 days... Miss you everyday sweet baby angel.
  • I am so sorry K. I had my own vent about DH the other night but ended up deleting it. I hope things improve :)

  • Totally justified. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this frustration. I don't have any solutions as things are 'dealt with' in much the same way around here...I do hope your DH sees the light soon so you don't burn out!
    imageimageBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Peeper Summarized
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