anyone ever *seriously* considered divorce?

happ17

Not going into detail because it's so convoluted, but things are bad. Basically, I feel like his emotional punching bag and he's not recognizing it. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time with him, and I've cried almost every single day for the past month or so. And I'm on Cymbalta--I'm not supposed to be able to cry so easily!!

Anyway, it's gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore, and our friends around us are noticing it and they're getting upset about the weay he treats me. He doesn't yell or curse or call me names or anything, it's just his pissy tone and the fact that as hard as I try to make things happy, there's no reciprocation. I'm the only one trying, and I'm trying so hard. 

We have talked about it--a few nights ago he came into the kitchen and saw I was upset, and I turned around and started to tell him why, and I broke down crying hysterically. Like, my knees buckled, I'm on the kitchen floor crying like a flubbering mess. I tell him I can't live like this anymore, I feel dead on the inside around you.

He's frustrated he says he feels like he can't voice an opinion or get angry at something without me blowing it all out of proportion. But his "opinions" are always criticisms (and if you know me, I an NOT a sensitive person at all) and he's always angry or moody.

He agreed to couples counseling, and I'm looking into it, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know, I'm at a place where I'm like F-it all, I don't need him. And I don't--I could easily walk away and support PAC and myself on my income, but I don't to do that. I also don't want to live in a marriage like this, or have PAC grow up in this kind of an environment.

Sorry this is so long, but it's very complicated. 

isabella22

{hugs}

I think it is very good that you are addressing this.

I know a couple who has been married for about 35 years in this very similar situation.  I don't know how the wife does it, it is exhausting for her and painful to watch.

Temp108743750006959

I am really sorry. I am not in that situation myself, but have a few close friends that are divorced and one on the verge.

I do think sometimes it just...circumstance. it's easy to say 'oh it's his fault' or 'oh it's my fault'  but sometimes relationships just reveal themselves to end up being a bad match for a variety of reasons. 

I think counseling is worth a try and you are both very mature to agree to it.

jessicaclare

I'm really sorry that you're going through this and feeling this way. *hugs*

As long as he's agreeing to couples counseling, I think that's probably the best place to start. Its always helpful to get an outside opinion. It may or may not work, but at least you know that you gave it a shot before ending your marriage. 

I hope that everything comes out all right in the end, whatever the resolution might be. 

gracendantho26

My intial reaction is to say something like "you two need to work this out together." Which is totally something my mom would say. Honestly there still seems like a lot to do before you leap to the "big D"....especially if you have not started couples therapy yet. Maybe there is something more going on with him that he's having a hard time dealing with. I guess it just seems like all marriages go through peaks and valleys and it's worth fighting for it until you have done everything you can and have to make the change.

I have thought about divorce for a second here and there over the past 7.5 years but it's always just because I'm super mad at DH and it doesn't last long. I will say we have been to couples therapy and it helped us a ton several years ago.

neesernicole

Biggest hugs to you and definitely don't feel like the only who's considered divorce. 

emiliemadison

I'm so sorry ((HUGS)). I've actually been through a divorce. Luckily, we didnt have kids so that made it so much simpler for me to leave. I tried to get the ex to go to counseling, but he flat out told me that "counseling is for crazy people and I'm not crazy". Lovely. I went by myself and realize that he wasnt adding positive value to my life and I was miserable around him because of the way he treated me (very similarly to what you've described, btw). I think my ex was probably depressed. He was unwilling to seek treatment, though. That meant that to stay with him, I was agreeing to a life that was less than happy. I wasnt willing to do that. Your dh sounds like he may be depressed as well and is taking it out on you.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him you want to go to counseling. See where it goes. I hope it works itself out and that the two of you can be happy together again. But if not, just know that there is happiness out there. If you're not happy now then dont settle. I wish you the very, very best. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk.

MelandJeff

I am so sorry. I can only imagine the feeling in your gut right now.

Try counseling, if things dont improve, you have your answer and you can at least know that you tried everything.

Mrs.Provost

Yep. DH and I are in the process of seperating right now, actually. I begged him for the better part of 2 yrs to go to counselling, and every time he scoffed at it or said "yeah yeah we'll go" and then just forgot about it. When I told him I couldn't do this anymore, that I was miserable and probably making him equally miserable, he started to beg to go to therapy.

And when I had a good hard look inside, I was past the point where counselling was going to do any good. Does it make me the quitter here? Maybe so. But once you've been beaten down so many times, you start to lose the will to try anymore. 

I want happiness, I want my kids to be happy and to see their parents happy. I can't do that with my husband, and so we're seperating. 

We live together still, until we each find places of our own and stuff. It's amicable, and very civil, and I think that will continue throughout this whole process. We're putting our kids' needs first through it all, and just trying to be fair and mature as we deal with each step of the seperation/divorce. 

If you and your DH can agree to try counselling, I think that's a great idea. But if he (or you) is not going into it fully committed to working on it, then it's okay too to consider seperation and/or divorce. It's a tough decision to make, and only you and he can decide what is best for you guys and your family.

happ17

I know his issues, and he knows he has issues, He's stressed from work (and I agree it is a horrible, horrible place), we're struggling financially (we both effectively took pay cuts and there are no breaks there for upper-middle-class folk), raising a child, etc etc. And he's in AA (For 10 yrs) so it's not like he can unwind with a beer or something like I can.

I get stressed to, but I choose not to bring it home. If it means i sit in rthe car for 10 minutes before coming home just to veg out, cry or scream, or take the longer route home, so be it. But I leave it outside the door.  He doesn't, he says he never gets any "me" time and that he needs a vacay. Well, sorry bubs, it is what it is and we can't afford to go to the caribbean this year. He needs to find a way to work his issues out.

I know where he's coming from, I was there myself. I saw a doctor and went on much-needed meds and my entire world improved. HE's agreed to counseking at least. Neither of us want this marriage to end, but I seriously considered it this weekend, how easy it would be to just pick up and leave. But I don't quit like that. 

CBKMRB

I can't way that I have ever "seriously" considered it.  There have been a few rough times where I have wondered "what if" but it was brief.  I have a number of friends though who are currently seperated or divorced, all for different reasons.

You just have to go with your gut but it sounds like you definitely can't continue the way things are.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

xbrooklyngrl

Just wanted to say I'm here for you and just down the block if you need a hug or a vent or a drink!

 

DaiLyght

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm very glad he's willing to try counseling though. Give it a chance at least. It's better to look back on the situation and know you gave it your best effort, then to later regret that you could have done more. (((HUGS)))

TheNextWest

The fact that he is willing to go to couseling is HUGE. That's a big indicator that 1) he recognizes there's a problem in your marriage, 2) he knows you two may not have the tools to fix it and 3) he WANTS to fix it.

We hit a really REALLY low point in our marriage a few years ago and yes, divorce was on the table. We went to one counselor who was nice, but just wasn't the right fit for us. He just wasn't focusing on the same things we were. The second counselor was awesome. We just clicked with him and both feel like he changed our whole relationship. He literally taught us how to communicate with one another for the first time ever. That, coupled with a few life changes we chose to make together, and "The Five Love Languages" saved our marriage. We have been acting like freaking newlyweds again ever since. What we thought was "good" before ain't got nothing on this!

Find a counselor that works for both of you. Don't be afraid to try more than one. I HIGHLY recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (we read the men's edition). And talk talk talk. It may just literally be a matter of not knowing how to talk/hear each other.

 Good luck, lady.

gracendantho26

The thing is though that everyone deals with stress, depression etc. in different ways. It's great that you were able to get help and manage your moods the way you have. For my mom (she has had severe depression since I was a kid) it was never that easy..she definitely was never able to leave it at the door. I am not trying to be a pest at all but we are all so diiferent and I am guessing if he's a recovered alcoholic (my mom is too) he was trying to self medicate for some pretty serious personal issues...so maybe they are an issue again. Anyway, I think counseling is always a good idea (if you find the right therapist) and I wish you guys a ton of luck. I imagine this is all very stressful...((hugs)).

mlm1128

Yes, last September before we went on vacation I told dh that I was leaving when we got back if things didn't change.  He was a totally different person than the one I had married.  He was always angry and just plain mean to me and dd alot of the time.

He went to see his doctor, because he knew there was something wrong with him.  He was put on anti depressants and things have been much, much better since then.  I can honestly say I was so fed up with the way that he was treating me at the time that i would not have even gone to counseling.  It was definitely not my issue, and I was not about to let dd grow up in that environment.

lilsandra

I want to echo the info from TheNextWest.  Get yourself a recommendation for a great counselor, and don't stop looking for a counselor until the fit works for the both of you.

My husband and I both had one foot out the door about 3 years ago, and had tried out several different counselors, all of whom made our problems worse.  Through my company's Employee Assistance Program, I was finally given the recommendation of several well-known successful marriage counselors in the area (rather than the ones previously recommended by my insurance company), and the first one we saw clicked with the both of us.

Not to go into too many details of our problems, but she gave my husband 2 weeks to decide if he would rather save our marriage or work on a separation.  It's not like I didn't have any say in the matter, but up to that point, I had done pretty much everything possible to try to save us.  It was such a freeing moment for me to know that there was a timeframe on how much more I had to take.  It didn't take my husband 2 weeks to decide, he pretty much decided then and there to work on us. 

And, I won't deny that it has been a long road to get us to where we are today.  In fact, we still see the counselor occasionally just to check in. 

Good luck to you. 

r9stedt

I could have written your post. MH won't go to counseling though. We are trying to work it out, but I know exactly how you feel about the emotional punching bag, egg shells, and opinions/criticisms.

JulieRNbride

Yes. Marriage counseling is absolutely the best thing for your situation; my DH and I were already discussing our post-divorce life when we sought help, and although this is going to sound cliche, we are happier now than we were on our wedding day. We learned how to fight "fair", we tackled our big fights and triggers (in-laws mostly), and we learned some positive steps to put each other first. It was NOT easy, and there were some counseling sessions where we got in the car and screamed at each other all the way home; no lie. But we also learned how to turn off the screaming/yelling in front of our kids, and how to not "attack" each other in bad moments...which helped a ton.

Good luck to you, it is not an easy road you are on....