A little shocked by a friends comment

libby73

So we were talking tonight with our couple friend about having babies and I had said that since I am over 35 now that I would probably have to get an amnio test due to my age.  Our friends told us that if they were to become pregnant Downs was one of the test they would test for due to if they were to find out they could be having a Downs baby they would abort it due to they would not want to make the child suffer in their future or inconvenience someone to take care of the child should they pass away before them.  I was a little shocked by this.  I told DH that I'm not sure if they are ready for children due to just because test may show you are not having a "Downs" child doesn't mean you may not be having a child with another type of handicap & I'm not sure they would be able to deal with that situation.  One of our friends when pregnant with their first child had normal U/s and test, the baby was born healthy and on the charts.  When the child hit 7 months she stopped growing literally and at 2 she was diagnosed as a dwarf and at 4 she was diagnosed as also  being mentally retraded, I wonder what would they have done if this was their child. 

Get.it.girl.

Wow. I'd be shocked too. I don't think I'd be able to look at my friend the same if something like that came out of her mouth.

LittleApple

Some people can be so naive.  

Josie22

I've had friends say that, but when they actually were pregnant, the story changed. Some people don't understand how amazing a child is, even with a handicap, until they've had one.

southernbelle82

Get.it.girl.:

I don't think I'd be able to look at my friend the same if something like that came out of her mouth.

This is my thought too.  They definitely don't sound like they're ready to be parents b/c that sounds incredibly selfish.

iowagirl73

This is my 2nd pg as AMA and I have not had an amnio done (nor recommended) either time.  The first pg I turned 35 a week before DS was born.  This time around I'll be 36.5.  In fact, the doc I saw after the "big" u/s specifically stated that since everything was looking great that he wouldn't recommend the amnio (after my regular doc said to be prepared for the suggestion).

As for your friend, it doesn't seem that she has done enough research on the subject.  A test can have false positives and false negatives.  It sounds like your friend and her DH just don't want to deal with the responsibility of not having a "perfect" child which makes them suck in my eyes.

kimby3679

I had a friend say she'd get an abortion if she were to get pregnant-we were drunk, so I told her I thought she was being selfish-but a few months later when she really did get pregnant because she took antibiotics and the pill, she cleaned up her act and kept the baby and decided to have another. She's a wonderful mom, I think it was just a case of what ifs and being anxious.

clp1027

I think if they were put in the situation, their story would change quickly. It's one thing to think of aborting a hypothetical child, but to really go through with it once you're pregnant, let alone so far along, is another story!

cville-rn

This is what makes me scared to get pregnant again. DH wanted to terminate if our 20 week scan showed Spina Bifida. His sister has it and he has watched her lead a pretty sad life. I, on the other hand, had cancer and scoliosis as a child, so I am pretty gung ho about special needs kids.Thank God DS was shown to be healthy - didn't have to have that fight.

I think a lot of people don't have a lot of reference for dealing with Downs kids to see what a decent life they can lead. Although there is more to it than just the Downs. They are more likely to have Leukemia and Heart defects. NOT that I think its a reason to abort - just saying lots of people don't think they can handle all that.

libby73

Josie22:

I've had friends say that, but when they actually were pregnant, the story changed. Some people don't understand how amazing a child is, even with a handicap, until they've had one.

  That is what I told her.  Once I got pregnant with ds they did offer me a genetic test when I was around 12 weeks but I refused to take it due to I already loved my baby by that point.  I told her once you see that 1st ultrasound you love that child no matter what.

libby73

iowagirl73:

This is my 2nd pg as AMA and I have not had an amnio done (nor recommended) either time.  The first pg I turned 35 a week before DS was born.  This time around I'll be 36.5.  In fact, the doc I saw after the "big" u/s specifically stated that since everything was looking great that he wouldn't recommend the amnio (after my regular doc said to be prepared for the suggestion).

As for your friend, it doesn't seem that she has done enough research on the subject.  A test can have false positives and false negatives.  It sounds like your friend and her DH just don't want to deal with the responsibility of not having a "perfect" child which makes them suck in my eyes.

 

I'm glad to know you don't have to get them anymore, back in the day when my mom was 36 having my little brother she had to get one I thought.  About having the perfect child, the girl is really sweet and tends to follow what ever her husbands says.  In my heart I would think this is more his idea than hers but she just doesn't speak up for herself.  In fact I wouldn't be surprised if I get an email from her apologizing for saying that last night.

IckyThump

Well, she's far from being alone. I've read that over 90% of pregnancies diagnosed as having Downs are terminated. It's becoming a huge issue with the Downs community as far as funding goes - they're having trouble getting funding because the number of people in their community is starting to dwindle.

I wouldn't judge. No one can really say what they'd do until they're actually in that position. I wouldn't end a friendship over it.

amajane

Well as someone with a special needs child I had a bad ultrasound but a normal amnio. If I had known clearly when I was pregnant that DD would have all the problems she has now (If I'd known then what I know now) I would have definitely terminated.

But there was no way to know by ultrasound all the problems DD was to have. So yes, your friend is naive, pregnancy is a crapshoot. You think everything will be alright nut then boom, your world falls apart in an instant.

If I get pregnant again spontaneously I would do early ultrasound testing and abort if there was even the slight chance something was wrong. I won't go through this again and I won't put another child through a lifetime of pain.

But I won't have anymore biological children again so I guess I won't be faced with that issue again. 

Sherriberry

I wouldn't be shocked at all if I heard a friend say this.  I think it's pretty common feeling.  I think a lot of people get these tests and their intention is to terminate if things don't look good. 

I think it's a very personal thing and nobody should judge anyone else for their decision.  You never know how you're going to feel if you're put in the situation.

Buckets of Moonbeams

Don't judge until you've walked a mile.  Having had one special needs baby, I can confidently say it is an experience my H and I NEVER want to go through again.  You do not know pain until you see your baby hooked up to tubes, wires, probes, IVs in every limb, intubated and sobbing, terrified, through the intubation tube, swollen beyond recognition from surgery and broken out in the worst case of hives you've ever seen due to a narcotics allergy. 

And we were lucky, our baby is going to be fine.  But if we were faced with having a child that was going to have lifelong special needs, I can guarantee we would terminate for our own sanity as much as for the fetus.

SuperCuteBenz

Honestly, we would have terminated. I really don't care what anyone thinks. We have had several conversations with our friends in regard to this, and we do not see eye to eye, but we would never quit being friends because of it.

My mother works at an institute for mentally handicapped individuals. I have seen the heartache and sadness. Many of these individiuals were dropped off there because there wasn't anyone to take care of them after their parents passed, etc.

One of my closest friends has an uncle with Downs. His mother just died, and his father is ill. Once the father passes then the uncle will become the responsibilty of my friend's family. That is A LOT for someone who already has their own family to have to take on. 

We have made the decision that we do not want DD to be in that same position some day. End of story.

mabst196

It may not be your choice, but you can't look down on someone for feeling that way. Everyone has the right to terminate a pregnancy and who are you to judge their lives. I don't think I would terminate (depending on the type of disease), but I haven't gone through that to say for sure. Just saying keep an open mind.

IckyThump

SuperCuteBenz:

Honestly, we would have terminated. I really don't care what anyone thinks. We have had several conversations with our friends in regard to this, and we do not see eye to eye, but we would never quit being friends because of it.

My mother works at an institute for mentally handicapped individuals. I have seen the heartache and sadness. Many of these individiuals were dropped off there because there wasn't anyone to take care of them after their parents passed, etc.

One of my closest friends has an uncle with Downs. His mother just died, and his father is ill. Once the father passes then the uncle will become the responsibilty of my friend's family. That is A LOT for someone who already has their own family to have to take on. 

We have made the decision that we do not want DD to be in that same position some day. End of story.

DH and I feel the same way. We've talked about this type of situation and we would probably terminate, too.

silvurturtle

People say things without knowing the reality of the situation to which they speak.  Let it roll off your back and know that she is really naive.

LoriFalce

On the one hand, I could never terminate in that case because my cousin had Duchenes MD and severe autism, and was a gift to our family every day of his 17y, 10m life. To terminate, for me, would be to say I didn't appreciate that gift.

On the other hand, I know how much my aunt suffered, and I don't think I'm that strong, so I certainly understand why someone would do it.

I have no judgment either way on this one. It's a situation no one should have to face, and a decision no one else should ever attempt to make harder by placing conditions and expectations on them.

Neukim

wow thats bad