Opinions please, Re: 2nd baby and donor sperm

zoogster

My husband as azoo and we conceived our daughter through DI. She is wonderful and beautiful and looks just like me as a baby. At this time, I want a 2nd child in another year or so. DH is like 90% he wants another child. I have been checking the donor website, and at this time the donor we used does not have any vials available. It says that more expected in the future but it is not gaurenteed.

My question is would you go ahead with DI even if you had to use a different donor? Would you just stop with the one child?

I want my children to look alike and be full blood siblings, however i still want to have another one. The thought of having to use a different donor really discourages me. What if he/she looks just like the donor instead of me? What if my two children look totally opposite? We are paying OOP and can not just stock pile when they become available because it will be too expensive and if you don't use it, you lose like 1/2 your money. DH is really discouraged with using another donor. He wants to use the same one as well.

What would you do? Please give me your opinions on what you would do if you were in my situation and what you think your DH would do.

I know these are a bunch of "what if's" but this is our reality and i have to get my head prepared if i'm not going to try to have another baby. Obviously, things could change in a year and it is a decision my DH and i have to make, but i would really like to hear other's opinions if they were in our situation.

Thanks.

eyenerd

I think i would have another regardless of different donors.  I would pick similar characteristics and just go with it.

To me it is only DNA and a baby is more important than DNA.  

I hope your donor does another drop off soon so you can have the same donor though!  But i would not let it stop me. 

517butterfly

eyenerd:

I think i would have another regardless of different donors.  I would pick similar characteristics and just go with it.

To me it is only DNA and a baby is more important than DNA.  

I hope your donor does another drop off soon so you can have the same donor though!  But i would not let it stop me. 

This exactly.  Obviously I have a different perspective being an adoptive mom but I think that regardless, like eyenerd said, I wouldn't let DNA stand in the way of having another child.

CrazeyJaneyR

What is priority, what the baby looks like or if there is another baby at all? (I'm not being snotty, I'm serious - some people might have different priorities). ALSO - even if you use the same donor the babies could look nothing alike - it happens with people who DO NOT use donors at all.

alex04

i know siblings who look nothing alike...so i wouldn't let that stop you from having another baby.  but at the same time, i can understand wanting to use the same donor.  you obviously put a lot of thought into picking that donor and i would get it would be a big process to go through that again.

 is there any way for the donation center to contact the donor?

EverAfterinMi

I look nothing like my 2 of my 3 siblings. And NOTHING like my mother. And I mean NOTHING. DNA would not stop me from having another child if I wanted one for sure. Good luck.. hopefully that donor will get his butt back in there!

mrsolsenk12

I could understand wanting to use the same donor but at the same time, I would not let it stop me from having another baby. My DH and his sister are full blood siblings and they really look nothing alike. DH favors his dad and his sister favors his mom. Doesn't always mean that they will "look alike".

Mrs.Reem

I am completely naieve to the process, so forgive me if this is a totally stupid suggestion, but is there any way the clinic can contact the original donor to see if he'd offer more sperm?

WhiteysWifey

We may possibly have this same dilemma in the future: We want to have quite a few kids and would LOVE to adopt at least once (either domestic or international). For this pregnancy we used all 3 of the vials we had purchased before: We haven't decided yet, if we will go ahead (after she's born) and purchase an additional 3 vials (if they are available) or not.

IF we are not able to get vials of the current donor we used when the time comes we have decided that we would go forward with another donor. We both feel that genetics isn't going to be an important thing in our family (obviously since we'd have 1 DI kid already and at least another adopted).

It really boils down to your personal feelings/opinions. In all honesty though, if the child looking like you is important, it's important to keep in mind that you could use the same donor again and have the kid look nothing like you. Good luck with your decision. Feel free to email me (on my blog in siggy) if you want to talk.

epphd

I totally understand - I know that in reality, the bigger concern is not "who will the baby look like" but what will the ramifications be for your two kids to not be 100% related by genetics to you OR to their sibling.  At least, that is our concern.  From MY and DH's perspective, it would be easy to imagine using a second donor - we have up my connection to DNA to begin with.  But it is harder to make that choice for your daughter and potential future second child.

My clinic will contact egg donors who have completed donating to solicit a donation for a sibling.  With a sperm donor it seems MUCH easier.  Could the clinic contact the donor?

Best of luck - I know it's a tough decision!!

kirs10nBryce

Zoog, is there a chance that the donor has donated and the clinic is just waiting the required 6 months before releasing more?  I'd contact them to discuss whether this is the case or not, and if so, if you can pre-order or something.  Another option is to go to the donor sibling registry and see if anyone else out there has vials from your donor that they'd be willing to sell to you if you really want to have your kids be full biological siblings.

We bought a bunch of units so we could have multiple kids and are now going to sell back the units we don't need since we think we're done but we don't know for certain that we're not going to want one more another year or two down the road.  My DH and I have discussed it and rather than continue to pay the monthly storage fees, we'll sell back what we have now and if our donor isn't available *if* we decide to have more, we'd be ok going with another donor even though we'd prefer to have all the kids be fully related to each other for medical reasons.  To us, it comes down to having another kid will be more important than having him or her be biologically related to the other two.  We'll just do our best to find a similar donor.

 Good luck with whatever you decide!

SeaSoul

I've not read any of the other response yet.  I think you should try to step away from the issue of how the baby might look and think about the big picture.  Even if you used the same donor or if you & DH had a baby that was both of yours biologically there's a chance one or neither would look like you or DH...or each other!

We are in a similar boat.  We used our donor KNOWING that it was the last vial available and he was done donating.  But we liked him SO much, we just couldn't pass him up.  There's a chance someone will give up the sibling inventory they've been reserving (and I do hope so), but we can't count on that.  I understand your reservations about using 2 different donors, and I have similar thoughts.  But the fact is, we want a sibling for Cal and it doesn't matter where that sibling comes from.  If s/he is adopted, it's unlikely they'd look alike, and that's okay too.  The important thing (to us - not judging anyone else's decisions) is that Cal has a sibling and that our family is complete.  However the 2nd child comes about.  

I hope that helps!  Happy to talk more about it!

SeaSoul

Another thought is that you extend your timeline for kids and give yourselves X amount of time (1 year, for example) to see whether more samples become available from that donor.  In my case, I can't wait b/c of my age, but if I recall you are younger and may have some wiggle room, even if it doesn't fit in with your original plan for spacing out your kids.

projectkjetil

Our donor retired from the program just before our daughter was born.  I stockpiled six vials, thinking that would be plenty.  (In truth, it took me 11... I didn't count on having IF.)  When the vials ran low, there were no more available at the bank, so my partner went to the Donor Sibling Registry, joined, and checked if anyone in our donor's group had vials for sale.  Thankfully, two did.  Sadly, they weren't active DSR members and didn't see her PM.

I was ready to give up and try another donor, but my partner (who carried our daughter) really wanted our children to have a genetic connection.  It mattered so much to her that I said, "If you can make it happen, great."  She did.  She actually contacted the head of the DSR, who helped her anonymously contact the two families with vials.  One still had them available (they were stored at the original bank) and sold them to us.  Now we have new friends and a second child on the way. 

I'm so glad that the DSR was a resource for us, and hope that it might help you out too.  Good luck!

s.s.girl

It's a difficult question and one that my DH and I talked a lot about before going ahead with the DIUI. We bought as many vials as we could afford and hoped that would be enough for more than one pregnancy (If we decide to have more). Although I'm not so concerned about my kids looking the same, if possible I wanted them to be genetically linked to one another that was important to me, and would pursue any avenue you have available to make that happen. The PP is a good example of a few of the options available.

?That said if the ultimate choice came down to no more kids or use a different donor then I'm sure we would use a different donor. Good luck. It's a hard situation. I totally understand where you are coming from.??

kittylove

I just wanted to give you big HUGS! A family I was a nanny for had this delima and I know it was very hard for them. They ended up needing to use a 2nd donor for pg #2 (first pg was twins). The kids don't look alike twins look more like one parent and singleton looks more like the other but that is okay. The kids all love each other and while they know about them being conceived with donor sperm it isn't an issue at all for them. The kids are now 6th graders and a 4th grader and are some of the most well adjusted, happy, sweet children I know.

dejavu

epphd:

I totally understand - I know that in reality, the bigger concern is not "who will the baby look like" but what will the ramifications be for your two kids to not be 100% related by genetics to you OR to their sibling.  At least, that is our concern.  From MY and DH's perspective, it would be easy to imagine using a second donor - we have up my connection to DNA to begin with.  But it is harder to make that choice for your daughter and potential future second child.

My clinic will contact egg donors who have completed donating to solicit a donation for a sibling.  With a sperm donor it seems MUCH easier.  Could the clinic contact the donor?

Best of luck - I know it's a tough decision!!

everyone has given such great responses. in our case we were lucky enough to have 5 vials on ice.  i won't get into the looking like me aspect, as others have.  but i agree w/ epphd.  one of our concerns with using a donor and getting multiple vials was that we wanted our children to at least have the same genetics. it's already a tough situation to be in, but we want them to at least have that bond between each other. as others have said, i would contact the clinic and see if they can contact the donor or get on a waitlist.  since you are also not pursuing this immediately, maybe more will become available.

this is such a tough situation to be in, you need to do what is best for you and your family.  GL!

SeaSoul

projectkjetil:

I was ready to give up and try another donor, but my partner (who carried our daughter) really wanted our children to have a genetic connection.  It mattered so much to her that I said, "If you can make it happen, great."  She did.  She actually contacted the head of the DSR, who helped her anonymously contact the two families with vials.  One still had them available (they were stored at the original bank) and sold them to us.  Now we have new friends and a second child on the way. 

Wow.  This is great to hear!  I am a member of DSR and have advertised that we're looking for vials from our donor, but have not been contacted.  I like the pro-active approach (Wendy with DSR is wonderful and very responsive, but I've not been in touch about this particular issue. I think I'll give it a shot!).

For anyone who isn't familiar:  https://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/

KayJayDee

We are in *almost* the same position.  Except we have 2 vials left, which amounts to one shot at a biological sibling.  It took us 4 cycles to get pg (2 b2b IUIs, a cancelled cycle, and an annovulatory cycle) and in that process we lost 2 additional vials to a malfunctioning tank (it thawed on us!).  We're on a wait list for vials that become available, but considering that the donor was active in 2005, I'm not so sure that will amount to anything. 

I would love to have at least one more, but my DH isn't 100% he wants another (he's in "let's see how we do with one and go from there" mode LOL).  If it came down to it, we would take that one shot and if we're successful, great!  If not, I'm not sure what we would do.  I guess I'm not much of a help to you... It's important to me that my children have a genetic sibling (not entirely sure why, just is), yet at the same time, I don't think it takes DNA to make a family.  I'm just as confused as you are!