How do you help your hubby destress?

babyluv617

DH started a new job in July. His supervisor was only there temporarily as he was leaving. He didn't have a super for a few weeks and now has one that's mostly mia and is the super of another dept too. With all of this no one really trained DH on the software the company uses. He's an engineer designing rockets and does the analytical computer designs. DH was thrown into one of the hardest projects with very little training and little support. He's one of the most brilliant people I know but is struggling with this project. He's really down about it and says he feels dumb bc he can't get it to work out right.

Also, he's still a PhD student. He is finished with classes but has his dissertation on the back burner, hoping to finish it in 2 or 3 years. We're building a house and having another baby in March. It's a lot for him right now, and I don't know what to do to let him know that it will all work out. I want to help him relax a little and realize that we really appreciate all of his hard work. 

We openly communicate about everything. I hope that will help him, but I think he needs more reassurance and again I want to help him relax. Any tips?

SapphyrEyes

Send him golfing with a few buddies?

babyluv617

SapphyrEyes:

Send him golfing with a few buddies?

That's a good idea except most of his buddies are too far away. He said something about playing soccer with guys from work on Wed. Maybe I will push him to do that! 

Laroogirl

A nice dinner with some beer and his fave dessert.  Then well...my DH would want some certain favors. 

Seriously though, I would do the dinner thing and maybe something fun that he likes on the weekend. 

goinggreengirl

Sex always works with my DH!

Seriously though, I'd try to make the house as relaxing as possible... make sure he has enough time to study/ whatever. He still, of course, needs to be a good dad and husband, but maybe try not to load too many chores on him. When I know DH has had a hard day (he works with people with developmental disabilities so it can be very mentally/ emotionally draining) I try not to ask him to empty the dishwasher/ take out the trash/ whatever. If I start doing it, he will usually jump up to help, but I don't want to harass him about it, you know?

triumphantreturnofplanningbug

DH got his PhD about a year and a half ago, and I'm about a year away from getting mine. Working at the same time he's technically finishing can be hugely stressful. In terms of free or cheap ways of helping him relax, at-home backrubs have been sanity savers for both of us.  Also setting nights where we don't talk about work, school, or the dog (kids, in your case) but just connect in terms of our lives outside those things is really refreshing.

If you're nature-y people, take a walk, have a mini-competition for strangest picture you find while hiking, tell a GPS to take you somewhere you've never been before, or grab some blankets and watch the sunset.

If you're more urban, find a show that neither of you have heard of and go see it, then grab a drink after and just talk. Priceline a hotel in your city and do all the touristy things you haven't gotten to check out yet, or pack a picnic and then wander a local park. Spending time outside the office can be huge for feeling human when everything else seems to be high pressure and intimidating.

Or get a sitter and spend the afternoon/evening eating takeout and having sex.

Also, from both DH's and my experience, don't underestimate the stress of a "back burner" dissertation. It's like swallowing a drug-filled condom--even when you don't notice it's there, it's eroding and getting ready to drip toxic crap into your system, and it wears on you. If you haven't lately, ask him what he's thinking and how he's feeling about that. And check in with him about it regularly. It tends to bubble up at inopportune moments.  I know you said you communicate well, but sometimes remembering to ask that one extra question about something that seems comparatively insignificant can wind up being the start of something important.

And kudos to you for being such a thoughtful and caring person!

babyluv617

Laroogirl:

A nice dinner with some beer and his fave dessert.  Then well...my DH would want some certain favors. 

Seriously though, I would do the dinner thing and maybe something fun that he likes on the weekend. 

Thanks to my appt today I'm off the "no sex" thing. We are good to go now. ;0)

babyluv617

triumphantreturnofplanningbug:

 

Also, from both DH's and my experience, don't underestimate the stress of a "back burner" dissertation.

 I completely understand this. I didn't mean to trivialize it by saying "back burner". He's got a plate full, and I want to help in any way that I can. Thanks.

goinggreengirl

babyluv617:

SapphyrEyes:

Send him golfing with a few buddies?

That's a good idea except most of his buddies are too far away. He said something about playing soccer with guys from work on Wed. Maybe I will push him to do that! 

DH plays soccer twice a week and that really helps him too.

ClaireBennett

I try to make the house stress free.. clean, laundry done, etc. so he doesn't feel like he has to do work when he gets home.  Make him his favorite meal and take him to see a movie.  He loves movies

julygal

I find when DH gets stressed he tends to stop doing recreational fun things because he feels he needs to help out at home more, go into work to get things done, etc.  It is like he heaps more responsibility/guilt on himself.  I find I have to push him to stop and relax. I also thought we were great at communicating, which we were, but I realized due to the kids' schedule we didn't get to talk until 10 PM.  Him telling me about his stress right before bed kept him up thinking about it.  I found I needed to ask him about his day at dinner, get in what we could then, and then wait until morning after he had some sleep to get into it in depth.

crackerjackprinter

I also try not to ask too much of DH when he's having a week (or months) like that.  I encourage him to spend as much time working on his homework (he's in school for work) and don't give him crap for it.  I also try to encourage him to do things he enjoys, like his flight sim games. 

I'm sorry he got thrown into a new project like that.  That would totally stress my DH out.  It sounds like they are both in the same field (DH works with testing F-18s usually - and will hopefully go back to the same aircraft when we go back to CA).  

EmmieB

Husband cycles and runs for his de-stressing. Before I got knocked up we climbed together (belly in the way now) and that was good together downtime for us.

When the yoga stopped (yay morning sickness!) and his work got crazy I strong-armed him into going to Yoga at the climbing gym twice a week.

Everything else was doing a good job, but the yoga...he was like a new man.

Ditto my BIL (who is bi-polar) - with yoga, he is so close to zen we're all amazed. Without he's a very tightly wound man.

I sing the Yoga praises.

And if cost/schedule is an issue...free streaming yoga:

https://www.yogatoday.com/