A controversial question perhaps.. .

First, I thank-you for all the advice and knowledge I gain by simply reading your stories on this board. You are an amazing group.

Now, onto my question. I currently have 2 biological sons and am hoping to add to our family in the future through adoption. I've always wanted to adopt. I also had a major episode of PPD after my last birth that makes more biological children difficult. Due to having 2 boys, I would like to adopt a girl. Is it possible to make such a request? I have not chosen IA over DA,, we are in the preliminary stages of our journey. What are the implications of such a request? Longer wait time?

Re: A controversial question perhaps.. .

  • You'll need to find an agency that lets you choose.  And the implications would be a longer wait time.
  • For IA or DA a girl will be a longer wait.

    Some countries prefer that you be open to both genders, and some IA agencies will only permit couples to request a girl under certain circumstances (ie, you have only boys at home). Because you will wait longer for a girl referral, it may end up costing you more if you have to redo your I-800 or your homestudy while waiting for your referral. Wait times vary by country program, but with China, there are families who've been waiting for 3+ years for a referral, and they've spent several thousand dollars redoing paperwork. If most of an agency's families are requesting girls, they may offer discounts on their agency fees to families who will request a boy (we've seen this with an agency's Kazakhstan program), so in that situation you'd save $$ by adopting a boy instead of a girl.

    With domestic adoption, if you request a girl, your profile would likely only be shown to women who know they are carrying a girl or women who've given birth to a girl they'd like to place for adoption, so that would result in a longer wait. Many domestic agencies prefer that you be open to either gender, but there are some that will let you select gender if you are open to an African-American child. I do know of one domestic agency that permits gender selection for any ethnicity, but they charge extra for it. I don't know the exact price, but I'm guessing it's not cheap.

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  • If you choose IA, not all countries will let you specify sex.

    In DA, as Mrs.B. said, you may be able to limit yourself to be only shown to families expecting a girl, but you have to seriously consider what would happen if you are matched and the baby turns out to be a boy.  Will you walk away from the match?  If the answer is yes, the only way you can really guarantee a girl without a lot of hurt feelings on both sides is to only consider situations in which the baby is already born.

    As a side note:  I know that by now, it must seem as if IA is really restrictive.  But perhaps the best piece of adoption advice I've ever received came from my husband's professional mentor, who's also an adoptive father.  When we were going through a tough time with some of the requirements we were forced to meet?and thinking they were pretty ridiculous and insulting?he explained that we should look at it from the country?s point of view.  In a horrible but very real sense, they are shipping their children (and future potential) away, to be raised in another country with a different world view, all because they don?t have the means to raise them in better conditions themselves.  It hurts them, and their national pride, to do that, and so they try their best to make sure that the homes and families they approve meet the very highest standards.  We may not always understand or agree with their requirements, but if we keep in mind that they are doing their best to assure the future of their children, it?s easier to accept, live with, and respect.

    Good luck to you, whatever you decide!

  • Once again, I am amazed at your support. You've just made me re-think the whole issue. While I would LOVE some pink in our family, I also love my boys. Waiting for a placement and getting the call that "it" is a boy or girl would be similar to finding out via ultrasound and just as exciting. It shouldn't be about adding a girl, but expanding our family.
  • 1. Yes it is possible (we will do this for #2)

    2. National stats show that there are more boys placed and finalized for adoption for DA than girls.

    3. This means that requesting a girl could have a longer wait time and in some foreign countries it is not possible to gender select. If you are open to any race in DA then the chances of not much longer of a wait are good. 

    4. Not all agencies will allow you to gender select but most will 

    5. U/S are not always accurate. I know of a couple in RL that adopted - thinking the baby was a girl but come out a boy. IMO you should NEVER gender select unless you are 100% okay if the baby happens to be born of the opposite sex than you thought. It isn't fair to the baby FIRST AND FOREMOST and it isn't fair to the birth mom. I understand people's desires, including our own, to have the opportunity to raise a child of both genders but sometimes you have to be grateful for the opportunities you are given. KWIM?  

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