It's SO hard not to compare Nora and Miles

cooker71

I MUST. STOP. DOING. THIS!

Especially given Miles' Down syndrome. It's just not fair, but I can't help it. Today I was looking at old pics, and found some of Nora sitting up on her own. She wasn't too much older than Miles is now, and I know he won't be able to do that anytime soon.

The other day, a woman in the grocery store chuckled when she saw me with both of the kids and said "You'll be chasing after both of them this time next year!" I smiled and looked at Miles and thought, nope, probably won't. He'll likely be crawling by then, but not walking like Nora did at 10 months.

She was so ahead of the curve developmentally, and I realize that, but it just hurts sometimes to think Miles won't be at least somewhat on that same timeline.

I'm sure it's the same with anyone who has more than one child. Does the comparison stuff taper off after a while?? Or do you still find yourself doing it a lot? 

sooosie

I do it.  I try not to, but I do it.  I think it's impossible not to.

sarahgcapecod

i know you are in a semi-different situation but I did this ALL the time at the beginning.  I was always comparing - in both ways.  Oh, #2 is already babbling when #1 never did that......#2 isn't walking yet when #1 walked at 10 months.....

But, at around 8 months old I realized that I REALLY enjoyed the differences. I love that my second is sooo unbelievable different from my first in every way.  He crawled at 10 months and is so fast that I really don't think he'll walk anytime soon and I'm loving it.  I thought it would bother me because it did in the beginning, but it doesn't.

I will say that I hate when people say things like 'oh, the next time I see him he'll be walking!'.  My in-laws are famous for this.  You know what, he probably won't be walking......and that is OK!! 

goodheartedmommy

I have a really hard time not doing it. I now don't compare Maile to what they were doing (maybe because I've forgotten a lot of it and can't really remember without looking in their baby books). But I always compare Bella to Ethan. I forget that she's almost a year younger and is not in the same place--but I still find myself having the same expectations of her and it's just not fair to her.

sweetie1528

I obviously don't know.  but try not to be so hard on yourself. we are all human.

love ya!

mamarazzi

I do it.  I don't mean to, but I can't help it.  What I know about parenting is based on my experience with Lawrence so it's hard not to think about what Law was doing when in comparison to what Andersen's currently doing.

I also compare sizes, which is REALLY hard not to do since their birthdays are only 3 weeks apart and they theoretically should be in the same clothes at the same times.  Not so much.  Andersen is HUGE compared to what Lawrence was and even though he's completely average, he looks like a giant baby to me because Law was so teeny (and still is).

I think it's inevitable.

oparcm

I only have one so I can't compare.  But I would think that is something most ppl would do.  I know though that as Miles hits his own developmental milestones, you will find triumphs.  I'm a special education teacher and I will tell you that the gains my students make far exceeds my expectations (which are pretty high, btw).  Each of my students has a dx of a disability but these students are truly amazing.  I learn from them everyday. Miles will conquer so many things and make you so proud.  They are different children and each child has their own milestone development.  But I do see how you would be doing that, it is just natural. 

wellfleet04

I really try not to compare my kids, but I am sure I will.  It is natural to.  I compared Kate to all of her playgroup friends, even though I said I wouldn't.  For now it is easy, because Kate was behind on all her physical milestones by quite a bit (rolled at 7.5 months, crawled at 10.5 months, pulled up at 14.5 months, walked at 18 months) so Ben has a looooong way to go before I get worried or can compare.  I think I might do it more when he gets to the talking age, because Kate was "ahead" there.  I'm actually finding it easier the 2nd time around to appreciate where they are NOW rather than always looking ahead to what's NEXT.  I know Ben is my last baby, so I want to soak in his baby-ness rather than rush him to roll/crawl/walk etc.

cooker71

oparcm:

I only have one so I can't compare.  But I would think that is something most ppl would do.  I know though that as Miles hits his own developmental milestones, you will find triumphs.  I'm a special education teacher and I will tell you that the gains my students make far exceeds my expectations (which are pretty high, btw).  Each of my students has a dx of a disability but these students are truly amazing.  I learn from them everyday. Miles will conquer so many things and make you so proud.  They are different children and each child has their own milestone development.  But I do see how you would be doing that, it is just natural. 

Thanks for the reminder. I needed this. And I am trying harder to focus on Miles' abilities, and not his disabilities.

Littlejen22

I do it too.  And I especially did it during the first 6 months because DD was very behind in her milestones for the first 6 months because she has infantile scoliosis and torticolis - I know it is not the same as your situation but I think that when your youngest has a diagnosis that makes them prone to being behind "average" on milestones it makes it harder and all people compare to some degree.

oparcm

You're welcome.  I work with students who just really shine and I also work with parents who are apprehensive when their children go to school.  They worry about the transition, socialization, etc. and when they are able to actually see how well their kids are doing, it is a huge weight off their shoulders.  My students are truly amazing!  I work in special education, special is there for a reason.  They touch your hearts!

cnybride2be

i did at first. 

 matt was eyes wide open and looking all around at birth, kind of loved the world instantly. matt was an easy baby.  he was  happy, and people fell all over him telling me  how wonderful he was.  and then sean didn't open his eyes much the first two weeks, was colicky, could NOT put him down if he was awake.had horribly dry flakey skin on his head and face.  and sean didn't nurse well due to being tongue tied and then didn't adpt to formula until we did soy and reflux meds.   all a bunch of trivial stuff really, but i couldn't help but compare.

then somewhere around 4-6 months sean became sean. i stopped associating having matt first and my baby exp. being about matt.  it was a neat thing and almost...interesting enough to have another because you end up with so much love but diff. love for both.  sean needed me more and we were so bonded and just now he's starting to become less of a mommy's boy sniff sniff.

so it's natural to compare i think.  and over time it became less of a comparison and  more of an understanding of who they were for me.

 

JOEBunny

You might be wrong.  There is a boy I know who has DS, and he has not had very many delays.  He is about 6 months older than my DD and at almost 4, keeps up pretty well with the other kids.  He won't be a professional sports star, but neither will most kids. 

My DD was very small.  She physically was and is just not super strong.  DS seems to be the opposite.  He is 90% to her %.  They are two different people and both have their strengths.  My DS just sat up at 5 months and he is way ahead of the other 2 babies on our street who where born the same month.  My DD didn't sit up on her own until almost 9 months.

Temp159135562506975

I do it with the twins already and it drives me crazy that I do it... I think it's impossible NOT to do though... as long as it doesn't change how we feel about them- i think it's normal and OK to compare them.

 

meghans30

Yes, I do compare except I have the opposite problem. My oldest was/is severely delayed in expressive language and had absolutly no attention span @ Kay's age. I look at Kayson and say "so this is how a typical child developes." I think everyone capares one child to the next.

DandelionMom

It will taper off. But it is totally normal to be doing this right now. (((hugs)))

AZ_Erica

We compare the kids a lot and I finally told DH we need to STOP!  It's not just milestones (DD is ahead of DS so far in all of those) but in temperment, sleep schedules, how much they cry....everything.  I'm getting tired of hearing it.  DH does it more than me.  Every child is different and they will do things differently and at different times, we just have to remind ourselves of that.

emiliemadison

I do it. It's human nature to compare what you already know to what is new. DS is almost 21 months and only has a few REAL words that other's could understand. DD had full sentences and could count and knew her ABCs. But then again, DS has been walking since 11 months. DD wasnt even crawling then and didnt even walk until almost 18 months. They're just SO different and it's impossible not to compare everything. I just remind myself that I can compare all I want as long as I continue to recognize them as individuals and love them for their own personal accomplishments, whenever they occur.

CubbyMama

LOL at your sig pic of Nora--K keeps squeezing her butt into the Bumbo now that we've busted it out for E again, too!

I worry about K and E being compared a lot, b/c K is so much fun and has so much personality, and is such a smart little stinker, that I wonder if E will decide not to even bother trying to compete with her.  I was a goody two-shoes growing up, and my sister kind of went in the opposite direction for a long time for that reason, which sucks.  I think it's probably impossible to expect that you won't notice/compare developmental milestones and such, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, necessarily, unless you're making one of them feel bad by pointing out that they're not "measuring up" to the other (which obviously you wouldn't do!).