Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
stream of consciousness
I wish I were still pregnant.
It hurts.
I took a bath in our huge tub tonight. I set up the TV so I could watch a movie. I ate pizza and drank a glass of wine. It was perfect.
Almost.
All I could think about was the fact that I lost a baby. I kept rubbing my belly, waiting on something to poke back at me. Nothing.
I'm empty. There is no one inside growing. There should be. There should be a little baby in there, kicking and growing and stretching. I should be 20 wks by now. Half way through. I should only be 20 more weeks away from holding my baby. My baby. MY baby. my BABY...
Why did it have to happen? Why did it have to happen to me? Why am I the statistic? Why am I not pregnant right now? Why does it hurt so much?
I keep picturing myself...in the delivery room, Joshy there...he's smiling. I'm holding our baby on my chest. Ours.
I'm aching. I want the world to know how much I hurt. How much I yearn. Yet, I don't want the looks...the looks that say "Poor thing, she miscarried." The looks that say, "Bless your heart. You'll get pregnant again. It'll happen."
Will it? Will I ever be able to be pregnant again? I still haven't even gotten my period, and its been 12 weeks. What if something is wrong with me? What if that was my only chance? What if I'm a screw up?
What did I do wrong? WHY!!! Why?
I want to scream.
I wish I were still pregnant. I wish the spotting had never started. I wish I had never bled. I wish I weren't sobbing right now. I wish I understood. I mean, I know the facts..I know, chances are, this will never happen again. I know, chances are, we will be able to get pregnant right away as soon as we start trying again. Yet, here I am. The statistic. The reason why we didn't tell anyone we were expecting a baby in January.
I don't know if I want to fast forward to holding my baby, or rewind to before we were trying. Atleast then I didn't know what it felt like. That feeling of knowing I was special. I was full. I was about to be fulfilled.
Now I'm just empry. Sure, I have Joshy to love and to be loved by. But its just not quite the same.
I know I'm blessed. I have a wonderful husband. I have incredible best friends. I have a booming business. I have a sturdy house. I have plenty of money. I have semi-fame among my community. I even feel a slight connection to God.
Yet, I'm empty. Even God can't seem to fill me.
I've never wanted to be someone who was just a mom. I still don't want to be. I want to be the career person; the breadwinner. I want to be the world traveler. I want to be the It Girl. And I am.
Yet, there is no newborn in the next room, crying...pulling me away from my computer. There are no bottles sitting on my countertops, no soft blankets on my couches, no toys in my floor, no warm flesh on my chest. No beating heart next to mine.
Sure, I can move about my daily life. Work, Joshy, family, friends, church. I can continue to set goals for myself, see myself reach them. I can continue to travel. South America sounds good for my off season this time.
But its just not quite right. I can push it back, ignore it, forget about it, replace it with other things, but there is still an emptiness about me. I'm not pregnant. I do not have a baby. I'm still empty. Even as I type, I feel selfish for saying the word "empty." I have too much in my life that is perfect. I'm living the life most people dream for.
Yet, here I am. Hurting. Wishing. Waiting.
Empty.
It hurts.
I took a bath in our huge tub tonight. I set up the TV so I could watch a movie. I ate pizza and drank a glass of wine. It was perfect.
Almost.
All I could think about was the fact that I lost a baby. I kept rubbing my belly, waiting on something to poke back at me. Nothing.
I'm empty. There is no one inside growing. There should be. There should be a little baby in there, kicking and growing and stretching. I should be 20 wks by now. Half way through. I should only be 20 more weeks away from holding my baby. My baby. MY baby. my BABY...
Why did it have to happen? Why did it have to happen to me? Why am I the statistic? Why am I not pregnant right now? Why does it hurt so much?
I keep picturing myself...in the delivery room, Joshy there...he's smiling. I'm holding our baby on my chest. Ours.
I'm aching. I want the world to know how much I hurt. How much I yearn. Yet, I don't want the looks...the looks that say "Poor thing, she miscarried." The looks that say, "Bless your heart. You'll get pregnant again. It'll happen."
Will it? Will I ever be able to be pregnant again? I still haven't even gotten my period, and its been 12 weeks. What if something is wrong with me? What if that was my only chance? What if I'm a screw up?
What did I do wrong? WHY!!! Why?
I want to scream.
I wish I were still pregnant. I wish the spotting had never started. I wish I had never bled. I wish I weren't sobbing right now. I wish I understood. I mean, I know the facts..I know, chances are, this will never happen again. I know, chances are, we will be able to get pregnant right away as soon as we start trying again. Yet, here I am. The statistic. The reason why we didn't tell anyone we were expecting a baby in January.
I don't know if I want to fast forward to holding my baby, or rewind to before we were trying. Atleast then I didn't know what it felt like. That feeling of knowing I was special. I was full. I was about to be fulfilled.
Now I'm just empry. Sure, I have Joshy to love and to be loved by. But its just not quite the same.
I know I'm blessed. I have a wonderful husband. I have incredible best friends. I have a booming business. I have a sturdy house. I have plenty of money. I have semi-fame among my community. I even feel a slight connection to God.
Yet, I'm empty. Even God can't seem to fill me.
I've never wanted to be someone who was just a mom. I still don't want to be. I want to be the career person; the breadwinner. I want to be the world traveler. I want to be the It Girl. And I am.
Yet, there is no newborn in the next room, crying...pulling me away from my computer. There are no bottles sitting on my countertops, no soft blankets on my couches, no toys in my floor, no warm flesh on my chest. No beating heart next to mine.
Sure, I can move about my daily life. Work, Joshy, family, friends, church. I can continue to set goals for myself, see myself reach them. I can continue to travel. South America sounds good for my off season this time.
But its just not quite right. I can push it back, ignore it, forget about it, replace it with other things, but there is still an emptiness about me. I'm not pregnant. I do not have a baby. I'm still empty. Even as I type, I feel selfish for saying the word "empty." I have too much in my life that is perfect. I'm living the life most people dream for.
Yet, here I am. Hurting. Wishing. Waiting.
Empty.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: stream of consciousness
I am so sorry for your loss, I too have the same feelings as you, my baby was due in January too.
How far along were you? Did you have a natural m/c or a d&c? and when?
What a well written post! I enjoyed reading it.
I know how you feel. Regardless of how perfect your life is or isn't, it's perfectly valid and normal to feel empty after losing a baby. Unfortunately I think we will always retain some of that emptiness. Nothing can replace our babies that never lived (or only lived for a short time). I do think that the pain and emptiness can lessen with time, but it will always be there.
((((((((big hugs))))))))))))