Another aha moment for my DH

vkbaby09

We've been having some issues lately, I'm not going to lie.  They started about 4-5 weeks after we lost Ian and Colin and possibly stem from his impatience with my mourning process and how depressed I am, but kinda blew up into other things we had issues with before our loss.  It's been a rollercoaster not only for grief for me, but also with him and our relationship, so there have been good times in the last month or so too including the last couple days. 

So, tonight he told me that one of his employees was talking to him about his loss.  They also lost twin boys at around the same age as us a while ago.  He told DH that a couple months after their loss his wife was still so very sad and that he found a bill for a therapist that she didn't tell him she was seeing.  He approached her about it and she was saying how worthless her life was now and how she didn't want to live (and she has living children) so she decided to see someone to help her.  I think this caused a to go off in my DHs head that if that woman could feel that way and she had living kids, then how bad I'm feeling is how other people feel after such a loss and is valid (and I too am seeing a therapist to help me). 

I'm just really glad that maybe he gets it more now and will be a little more understanding.  And I feel the need to also say here that he hasn't been a jerk to me about our loss at all, but I think he is taking some of his pain out on me. 

travers081906

I'm so sorry for your loss...

It has only been 2 weeks since we lost our LO but he acts as though it was longer. I know men tend to take in things completely different than women. Which is why we have different codes for everything... I just feel at times so empty and lonely still. I made a necklace w/ our LO's birthstone on it and showed my DH... he really didn't say much except that's cool??!!!! IDK... I can't put it completely behind me like he does, i don't want to forget... that's why I have reminders. But I have noticed me doing so has made me a stronger person and more hopeful!!!

Hoping things get better for you

n.a.olson

i wasn't far along but i have noticed how different it is for me and DH to go through this. At first i would just cry on him and we didn't talk much - to be honest i felt strange talking to him about it....but i got more comfortable and he really was great! He was really there for me and without him i don't think i would be where i am with this mc. I think that we just get so excited so fast, we think about how we are going to tell everyone and the baby room and everything the moment that test turns positive. I don't know what your mc was like - but i was bleeding for a little over a week and DH and i talked and i just said that it is easier for him to move on right away because he doesn't have to be reminded every time he goes to the bathroom! I am glad that you two are trying to work things out and i will keep you in my prayers.

 

Also, have you thought about going through couseling together? or maybe try to get him involved in something that will help you cope.

Cow-girl

DH's sometimes just dont get it.  My DH didnt understand why Grace's edd was so hard for me.   And why I sometimes get moody and cry over her loss even 5 months after...  Men just dont grieve the same way women do.

I am so glad that your DH heard about someone else going through the same thing.  Maybe he will be more sympathetic to you now...

kbfny7

I have to say that I thought my DH was being so great this past week. Then yesterday after I got home from work I was feeling sad and in need of support. He was asking me what was wrong with me and telling me I just needed to eat something and I would feel better..I was furious!! I went off on him that dinner was not going to make me pregnant again and that food was not going to just magically make me feel better..After I calmed down we talked about it, but he says hes just ready to move on and try again soon. I reminded him that although I may move on I will never forget this ever. Men really deal with things so differently. Men are from Mars!!

brunette mac

Good for you to see a therapist. My dh got over it way quicker than me. He said it never was a baby so he's not that upset about it. I had a connection to that embryo that he just won't understand. At only 8 weeks he has a point that it wasn't even a fetus but that didn't make it any less of a loss to me.

I can imagine your loss was very different for you because you were much further along and it was twins! I'm so sorry that happened and I hope your dh is a lot more supportive now. Hang in there!