Ok, this is hard. I have never blogged before, but feel the need now. I'm thinkingg it may help me deal with my grief. We found out we were pregnant about two and a half months ago and my first thought was, we have to go visit my parents and tell them in person! We were so excited and nervous. It happened to be Father's day weekend and we got to tell my Dad that he was going ot be a Grandfather! it was amazing and of course, they were SO happy. So we had a great weekend and had to return home and back to work. Only two days after being back home, we got the phone call that my Dad had had a heart-attack and he didn't make it. Needless to say, I am still in shock. I am very very happy about the baby, but find it hard to be as happy as I should be. It just isn't fair that things had to happen this way. I am a Daddy's girl. He took me to school and back all through school and was home with me most of the time while my Mom traveled. We were very best friends! I am just not sure if I am dealing with things properly. It doesn't feel real. We all thought that my Dad would be around for a long time. He wasn't even 60 yet. Has enyone gone through anything similar or have any advice? I am a Christian and believe that it is all in God's plan, but I feel so guilty that I cry so much. I feel guilty becasue I have new life being formed within me and I should be happy! Do your emotions while pregnant have an impact on the baby inside? I'm sure there have been studies done. I like to think that the baby is in it's own little world right now and just focusing on growing and moving. I think I just needed to blurb about all of this to complete strangers... I think it helped.
-Meredith
Re: Grieving while expecting...
Sorry you are dealing with this but I would like to point out that the message boards are NOT a blog. they have seperate sites for that.
im sorry for you loss. My dad died when i was 12 and he was 49. he had cancer and it just spread everywhere. I know how hard it is, because even now it breaks my heart he wont be around to see my baby.
Just make sure to tell the baby all about him and always keep him in your life even though he isnt here. When my dad passed away i kept roses from his funeral and flowers that were by the casket and put them in a shoe box, and i have random things of his (watch, glasses, a model car he built) and tons of pictures. I find myself going thru it all the time.
and dont keep things bottled in, if your sad and upset talk about it, tell your husband stories of when you were a kid, it might make you sad and youll cry but you will feel so good remembering the times you shared!
wasn't being rude miss 'tude.
-out-
In her defense - she did not say that this was not good material for "posting". She just pointed out that this was not a blog spot. I did not think she intended on being rude... but was trying to steer you in the right direction if you did feel the need to blog.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is horrible. There is nothing you can do about it though. It is normal to grieve and you can't stop grieving just because you are pregnant. It is best of course to stay calm while pregnant but I am sure your baby will be fine. It is much better to grieve than to hold in all of your feelings. I've never been through this so I am no expert. You should probably go talk to a therapist though. They can help you work through your feelings.
I also think that it is good that you are pregnant now, it gives you reason to keep going when you are really upset. You have to take care of yourself for the baby. Good luck...and again I am really sorry!
EDD: 03/01/13; DD: 10/26/13
Mourning the loss of Amarine Stella, born at 21 weeks, 6 days.
We will always love you, our little angel.
First, let me say I am so deeply sorry for your loss. It must be terribly difficult for you and myheart goes out to you! {{{HUGS}}}
My situation was VERY different. While pregnant, I lived with my abusive and controlling ex. As long as I stayed under his thumb things didn't get violent, but it was very depressing. I spent most days in tears because I wasn't living life (no friends) and he was cheating all the time. I eventually got out of the situation and DS wasn't affected. He is a normal snarky two year old whose favorite word is "no" and loves all things "Choo-choo train".
My point: take care of YOU. Greive. Cry. Get angry. You have a right. And don't feel guilty. Do it NOW before little one comes so you aren't trying to grieve with a newborn. (Even worse, if you have a newborn and try to deal with it then you may be at risk for PPD.) Talk to your OB about a recommendation for a counselor to talk to. They have to refer a lot of women for depression (not that grief and depression are the same thing) during pregnancy, I'm sure they know of a good one.
Sorry for rambling.....good luck to you! {{{HUGS}}}
I am so sorry to hear about your father and am certainly sending T&Ps your way. I have no idea if the baby can "sense" your emotions but as long as you are still eating and getting enough H2O like you should I think the baby will be ok. Try to stay strong and just keep in mind God's plan is His plan but we don't understand it and so if we get upset by it sometimes it is OK. No one expects you to be able to keep it 100% together right now, so if you need to cry, go ahead.
I am sorry it is rough but try to look at all the good in your life too, you are bringing a baby into the world. I don't know you, but perhaps using all or part of your father's name for the baby would help you too. God be with you.
I couldn't imagine going through the opposite ends of life all at once. Maybe you could memorialize your father by using his name as a middle name for this child (whether boy or girl - since it's popular nowadays and some male names have a female version, too). I am so sorry you are going through this. It's true the baby can sense stress, but it's also not healthy to keep it all in without properly grieving.
So sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I do know what you are going through.
On Sept 11, 2001, I found out I was pg. A little over a month later my mom, who had suffered from lung cancer, passed away. It was extremely difficult and very stressful.
While I don't want to scare you that pregnancy wasn't meant to be. I don't know if stress played a part or not but do whatever you can to keep your stress level down. Think about how happy your dad was to find out you were pg. He wouldn't want anything less than the best for you right now. Which means taking care of yourself and your baby. Definitely talk with your doctor about what is going on.
Take care Meredith!
I don't think it will have an effect on the baby. When my mom was 9 months pregnant with me, her brother died. He was only 28. They think it may have been on purpose but were never able to prove it. Anyway, I was born 11 days later. My mom said she along with my grandparents did not know how they were going to continue. She didn't know how she could possibly raise a baby when something so tragic had just happened. And she tells me that having me saved her and my grandparents... Not that they ever forgot about their son/brother, but it made it a lot easier for them to manage knowing they had a new baby to take care of.
So my advice would be to focus on the baby that is going to depend on you. Know your dad is watching over you. Crying because you miss him is probably the only thing that will help. That and remembering your good memories and sharing them with your baby.
My mom passed away when I was 23 and I don't have a father in the picture, so I often get really upset and miss her knowing she won't be here to meet her grandchild and that they won't benefit from knowing her. Just hang in there, talking about it helps!
it's funny to read that you're talking about "her" like "she" can't come back in here and read it... *ponders*
I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my mom to breast cancer in 2008 when my son was 9 weeks old. She was only 53. I know that it is very, very hard to mourn the loss of a parent while trying to be happy and appreciative of the new life of your baby.
My situation is different in that I knew that my mom was dying and had a chance to process and deal with the reality of her passing before it actually happened. I feel like I mourned more while she was still alive than after she passed. I actually felt relieved after she finally let go because I knew she wasn't in pain any more.
I definitely feel like she passed away far too soon and that it wasn't fair. But what helps me is to keep in perspective that many other people have lost their parents much sooner than I did. I try to be grateful for the time that I did have with her. I'm grateful that she got to see me get married and experience being a grandmother, although only for a few months.
The only advice that I have is to make sure to incorporate memories of your father into your new baby's life so he/she will know who he was, how much you loved him, and how much he meant to you. You will always miss him, but as time goes on the sting will lessen. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I agree with the majority of posters that you should consider talking to a counselor or clergy person. Grief by itself can be overwhelming. Add to it the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy and you have a tough situation. I hope that your faith is a great comfort as well.
As to those few snarky comments, try to ignore them. You posted a very reasonable topic, and I hope that you're swarmed with the support you seek.
My best to you.
I'm also sorry about the loss of your father. But I'm also sorry about the rude post from the first poster. I think writing and talking about your feelings is probably the best but sometimes the ladies on the nest are real bitches. So please continue to blog and pray and talk about your dad. Being a fellow christian you know that your dad is watching over you and only time can heal your hurt and heart. Hang in there and may god help your through this difficult time.
She obviously is going through a really hard time right now...I don't think it helps if you keep going on like this. She's new to thebump and is just looking for help--sheesh!
MerfyCarp:
I'm really sorry. My heart is heavy for you. I think it would be helpful to find someone that is going through a similar situation that you can talk to in person. Grieving is hard, especially when you're going through a time that's happy too. I'm sorry that I don't really have advice but don't feel ashamed to get counseling or professional help. I'll pray for you and your family. ((hugs))
Beckman, dude, cut her some slack.
I am so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS)))
My situation was very different than yours, but when I was about 4 1/2 months pregnant with DD, my DH was diagnosed with cancer. I was an emotional wreck. I had so many thoughts of losing him, and how I was going to be able to raise our DD by myself. I cried so hard and honestly just felt like puking from the grief. It was incredibly overwhelming,and then I felt tremendous guilt for putting my unborn baby through such an ordeal (if that even makes sense).
I wish I could say that I had some special "trick" that just made me feel better, but I didn't. I was miserable until the day he was declared in remission (when DD was 3 months old). I agree with the others that talking with someone may help.
FWIW, I was in a lot of emotional distress through my pregnancy and DD was and is a very happy, healthy child. In fact, in a lot of ways she helped us both look for the positive in life.
(((HUGS))) to you. I wish you all the best.
(m/c 1.17.07, m/c 5.15.07)
DS - 03.15.08
DD2 - 12.03.09
DD3 - 3.28.11
I'm so sorry for your loss! Greive anyway you can, it has to be better for the baby then keeping it in. Don't worry about unhelpful comments, I know how frustrating it can be when you are looking for help or advice and people only have rude things to say. Don't let it get to you.
Beckman- Some people call this blogging. It's just a difference in words.
OP- I am so sorry about your dad. I cannot even imagine losing a parent, especially at a time like this. Just find peace in the fact that you were able to tell your dad you were expecting. I am all but certain that he thought about you and your LO before he passed and I am sure that it brought peace to him.
There is no reason that you have to feel overjoyed. Just take one day at a time and grieve for as long as you need. No one that knows you will question the love you have for your baby even if you aren't all smiles.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad in April and then, in June, I lost my uncle, who had always been like a second father to me. Soon after that, I discovered I was pregnant. The spectrum of emotions I feel on a daily basis can be overwhelming. It's definitely been a challenge to try to put everything in perspective.
I agree with others that talking about it and writing about it is a good way to come to terms with what you're going through.
I'm sorry for your recent loss, and must say I can relate to you pretty well. I found out I was pregnant about a month and a half after burying my own father. It can be very overwhelming to have something so heart-wrenching and so happy happen in such a small time window.
You just have to allow yourself to have the feelings you are going to have, and make sure to take care of yourself. If you feel yourself struggling to cope, please reach out to someone. Life marches on, good and bad, these kinds of times are really vivid reminders of that.
I'm not taking the time to read through the other responses. I just wanted to say that a sudden death of a loved one like this is very hard to deal with. You definitely need to grieve, so don't feel guilty about not being 100% happy, just because you're pregnant. My grandfather died after being sick for several years. We had a very long time to say goodbye, but my mother (it was her father) still found it helpful to attend a local grief group. I believe they met once a week during their lunchbreaks and had lunch together. I don't really know what they talked about, but the leader helped guide them through the process of grieving. I'm sure the emotional aspect is even harder for you being pregnant, since your hormones are all crazy right now.
Hang in there. And I do think it's possible for one to be sad and grieve while at the same time rejoicing.
This was extremely rude and completely uncalled for.
OP: I am so sorry for your loss I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Please take care of your self and find someone to talk to if you need it. Many people have a hard time relating to grief so seeing a counselor can help you have a safe place to work things out with someone who knows how to listen and help you heal.
So sorry this was the first response you got, and I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. Keep looking up, and know that like you said, god has a plan.
As for the comment above...Real Classy. People make some stupid posts on here and you are complaining because hers was long? At least it is a legitimate post and the ladies on this board can offer up some real advice and support. Next time, if you can't write something nice don't write anything at all.
It doesn't matter, and it was an _asshole thing to say to someone that is posting something serious. Some people have zero tact, and a lot of time that is Beckman. It's one thing to be snarky in stupid posts, it's a complete other thing to be a heartless snatch.
I am terribly sorry for your loss. We lost my MIL about a month before my first son was born. It is extremely hard, and we were even expecting it, so I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.
Just keep in mind that though he may not be with you in flesh, I am sure that he is with you in spirit and is no doubt very proud of you and still anxiously awaiting that LO of yours.
((hugs))
Meredith,
I really feel for you. I was very close with my mom and she died in a car accident when I was 24. She never met my husband and will never know my children. That's very hard for me to accept.
The grieving process is different for everyone but it took me about five years to feel normal again. Not at all saying this will be the case for you, but I really feel for your situation. It literally makes me want to cry. Just know that no one but you will know what you are going through but it's still okay to lean on people- don't be afraid to. And also, I promise that it will be easier to accept with time. Know that your dad will still be around you, maybe you will even notice some signs that he is there. I strongly believe we will reunited with our loved ones again. In my heart I know I will see my mom again someday.
Definitely you should check with your hospital about their bereavement services, and talk to your doctor about your fears about your emotions affecting the baby. Get all of the hope and support you can, and try to keep a positive focus thinking about the new life you are bringing into the world.
All the best,
Liz
I'm glad you posted this. My dad committed suicide three weeks ago and I have also been dealing with a ton of grief and shock. I called my OB right away and asked if the baby would be okay. Two separate docs told me that the baby will be completely fine through the grief. That was good to hear because there is no way I could keep this bottled up.
They do make pregnancy friendly anti-depressents if you feel you need them. I have opted not to use any but I cry long and hard every day - but I know the baby will be just fine.
Hang in there. Talking/blogging definitely help me. I am going to a support group as well as seeing a therapist. I really want to deal with my grief correctly so this whole thing doesn't screw me up. Keep praying about it. Your dad is still so happy for you and the baby.
You're a douche. Seriously.
OP, I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) I cannot imagine. Take care of yourself, and feel free to come over to Parenting anytime you need some shoulders to crying.
You take my ovaries, I take your yarns.
Wow, Carrot, I am also very sorry for your loss! I just wanted to write another quick reply because you bring up a good topic: anti-depressants. I went to get a pap shortly after my mom died and had to fill out a questionaire that asked about my family's history. Anyway, when the doctor found out I was dealing with a loss, she immediately asked if I wanted to be on anti-depressants. I said no because it was situational depression and IMHO you need to just grieve because it's going to happen sooner or later. Best of luck to you both.