wwyd about developmentally disabled neighbor (long)

me&mymonkey

While dh was at his softball game this evening I took ds for a walk in the park.  When I returned home (to my apartment building) I started to take ds out of his stroller to bring him upstairs.  A man came up to me at the bottom of my stairs (we have outside stairwells) and asked me if I wanted tomatoes from his garden.  I told him no and then he started asking about ds. 

I recognized him  as living in the complex (although not my building) but I have never spoken with him before.  I could also tell immediately that he somewhat developmentally disabled.  He offered to carry the stroller up the stairs and I said no thanks.  After many refusals of his help and 45 minutes of stalling ds was getting very fussy (he was hungry and it was bedtime).  I was hesitant to go in my apartment because I didn't want him to follow me but eventually I had to go feed ds and of course the man followed me up. 

I opened the door to go inside, it was locked and it took me a minute, and the man followed me in.  Luckily dh came home within minutes of the man following me in and we were able to convince him that it was time to go to bed. This incident has me a little shaky although the man was nice as can be and dh thinks he won't be back again. 

How do I handle the situation.  Would it be out of line to talk to the man's mom (that he lives with) and ask her advice?  Or ask her to talk to him about coming in people's apartments without being invited.  Am I over-reacting?  I feel like I under-reacted.  What would you do? 

KathrynMD

uh - that's weird.  Just treat him like a kid who doesn't know how to behave/what's appropriate.  "It was nice talking to you, but we have to go inside now; good night."  End of story.  He was just trying to be friendly and can't read social cues. 

vab1216

First, about how old is he? Second, I don't think you are overreacting...but I would be cautious still and if anything else happens you could talk to his mom.

katlizabeth

I don't think you are over reacting at all.  I would not have been comfortable either. If you know of the mom that he lives with, I don't think it would be out of line talking to her. From my experience (I have a degree in special education and taught in that area for four years), the caregivers/parents are typically very understanding and helpful with the best way to interact with their children when you approach it in a nice/positive way.  (not like yelling at her for what her son did, which it doesn't sound like you would do anyway).  Good luck!

katslep

Hmmm.  Tough situation.  I guess I might go talk to his mom, if you know who she is.  I'd just tell her what happened, because hey - a man following you into your house is a man following into your house. 

Quazel

You are not overreacting.  If you don't feel threatened then next time he wants to come in tell him you have a lot to do and will see him in a few days but you have no more time today.  If you feel threatened, absolutely talk to his mother.  You could actually ask her for advice any time.  Tell her he is extremely nice but you aren't sure how to handle him.    GL!

runnergirl2008

I certainly think it's fair to be cautious and uncomfortable about that. It doesn't matter who it is, having a strange man follow you around is scary.?

?PP are right- He probably can't read social cues and was just trying to be friendly. Be honest about what you need to happen "It's time for us to go to bed, you have to go home now". If that doesn't work, talking to his caretaker for advice is a good idea.?

?

me&mymonkey

He's 41 (he shared his life story with me ) and I don't know the mom but I watched which apartment he went into so I know where he lives now.  I didn't want to be rude and I don't have a lot of experience with this type of situation.  I think if I see him again I need to be more firm and no nonsense, I guess like I would with a child (as previously suggested).  If that doesn't work then talking to his mom would be my next step.  It made me feel better to write this out.  I know it is a double standard but because he was a man and dh wasn't home I felt really uneasy.  Thanks for the advice, it makes me feel better about the situation.

J+O

I have a family member that is in his 50's but has the mentality of a 5 year old. ?So I keep things simple and short and to the point. ?I would have just said your LO is tired and that it was time for him to go home too and showed him the door.?

Mike_Hunt

recommend reading Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear"

someone with intellectual disabilities can still injure you or your child.  I would have had an actual fit had someone, anyone, violated my house like that.

Your spidey senses were tingling for a reason.  Why do you worry about "rude" when you had your child?  45 minutes is crazy.  Don't let that happen again.  Just walk away.  Say "NO, don't follow me" Is this guy harmless? Most likely.  But he's already made you uncomfortable in your own home, which means you need to do something.

 

Pumpkin111

Wow, that would have scared the ever living sh!t out of me.  I would not have let him follow me in the apartment.  Who knows how strong he is and what if he misunderstood your being nice to him as some sort of "invitation."

I had a situation like this happen at a grocery store with the mentally handicapped man that helped me out with my groceries.  I gave him a few dollars because I felt bad for him and he grabbed for me after that.  If I'd had my baby with me - I'd have honestly lost my sh!t screamed, kicked, made a scene.... etc. I don't like people invading my space though...

I cried the whole way home because I was so scared and honestly felt stupid a little bit. My husband called the store and told them to have a talk with him about contact with customers.  I hope your situation is okay. I wold definitely call the guy's mother and do everything in your power to never be cornered by someone handicapped or not ever again.  You just don't know what can happen.

laurenshay

me&mymonkey:

  Would it be out of line to talk to the man's mom (that he lives with) and ask her advice?  Or ask her to talk to him about coming in people's apartments without being invited.  Am I over-reacting?  I feel like I under-reacted.  What would you do? 

:::butting in from 0-6:::

I work with adults with mental retardation (I am an assistant to a social worker/case manager). 

I think that if it happens again that you should 100% go to the mother and tell her what is happening.  We run group homes and we would want to know without a doubt if one of our clients were walking into someone's home uninvited.  It is not only possibly dangerous for you, but it is possibly dangerous for him. 

me&mymonkey

Thanks for answering.  I want to treat him with respect and I didn't know the proper way to respond to him.  I think that was the main problem, I was not firm enough when I told him it was bedtime and I never flat out told him to leave (he was only in my actual apartment for one or two minutes before dh walked in).  I would not mind being friendly but I need him to have limits. 

Pumpkin111

me&mymonkey:

Thanks for answering.  I want to treat him with respect and I didn't know the proper way to respond to him.  I think that was the main problem, I was not firm enough when I told him it was bedtime and I never flat out told him to leave (he was only in my actual apartment for one or two minutes before dh walked in).  I would not mind being friendly but I need him to have limits. 

Sadly this is probably how a lot of women get into sticky / tragic situations.  It's in our nature to be kind and caring, and people know that and prey on it.  It's too bad that we live in a society where you honestly just can't be like that first and foremost.  But your responsibility is to protect yourself and your baby.  It's sad, but smart.

me&mymonkey

Pumpkin111:

me&mymonkey:

Thanks for answering.  I want to treat him with respect and I didn't know the proper way to respond to him.  I think that was the main problem, I was not firm enough when I told him it was bedtime and I never flat out told him to leave (he was only in my actual apartment for one or two minutes before dh walked in).  I would not mind being friendly but I need him to have limits. 

Sadly this is probably how a lot of women get into sticky / tragic situations.  It's in our nature to be kind and caring, and people know that and prey on it.  It's too bad that we live in a society where you honestly just can't be like that first and foremost.  But your responsibility is to protect yourself and your baby.  It's sad, but smart.

I am too nice.  It's what gets me stuck talking to the cashier at the grocery store too.  I knew that this guy crossed a line and that is what upset me.  That I let it happen, and I wanted to find out how to prevent it from happening again.  Especially since ds was involved.