Coming to my wit's end with DD ..long..

Randa&Jerm

The last couple days she has been a little monster!  Wednesday I was home with her all day before we headed to the store and then off to church.  She was fine most of the morning, had a decent nap in the morning woke up, we played and then had lunch, then she started being a little monster.  So I layed her down again a little earlier than her normal afternoon nap and she slept a good hour & a half.  Then again we had snack and off into town. 

She has just been having tantrums and meltdowns, and its been like a combination of being clingy, but independent.  Whiney, and screaming or yelling.  saying no and just being a regular little brat. 

 Today when I picked her up from the sitters as soon as I got there she started throwing a fit and I have no idea why.  At first she met me at the door when I said hi and picked her up, she immediately wanted down, when I went inside she refused to come in, so I picked her up and brought her inside.  She fussed for a second, but then I distracted her to go get her shoes so we could go bye bye.  She got her shoes and the little miss independent came out and she wanted to put her shoes on herself...thats fine, great in fact.  Then she managed to get one shoe on and then proceeded to run out the back door, one shoe in hand and want to go play outside.  I went to get her and said no hannah we have to put your other shoe on, she wouldnt do it herself, and then wouldnt let me put it on and then the battle was on.  Fit started. We eventually got her shoe on and her calmed down and we said bye and left.  in the car it was a whiney ride with occasional yells all the way home.  I could tell at least this time she was tired so as soon as we got home I layed her down and she fussed for about 10-15 minutes and now she is quiet so I'm assuming she is sleeping now. 

I just don't know what to do with her.  I;ve tried giving firm no's, tried talking to her, tried ignoring her, tried time outs, tried light swats on the butt (which by the way have worked wonderfully for her ignoring me when I call her or ask her to come to me).  But I just don't know what to do about these tantrums.  I'm coming to my wits end.  Not sure if its just frustration with her or hormones from being pregnant and tired.  It doesn't help that DH is not very supportive, he just thinks I spoil her or I let her get away with this behavior and thats why she is acting the way she is around me.  I just don't see how I am spoiling her and I just don't know what to do or at least havent found something that works to ease the tantrums.  I know I'm not perfect but I don't know what to do with her.  Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

GSOD

My DS has days like that too where all he does is throw fits and tantrums but I just chalk it up to a phase.  I try not to make a big deal of it.  I usually try distracting and then if that doesn't work I ignore it until he calms down.  I swear he is going thru his terrible two's at age one!  That being said he has great days where he is happier than ever and such a sweetheart.  Not sure what to do but maybe its a phase?

Cyrbia

Hmm, tuff call. Some toddlers are just trickier to deal with than others.

I think my main suggestion is decide which tactic you'd like to use and then stick with it. I'd suggest the talking to her idea that you mentioned.

So, let's just say she wants to put on her shoes, say to her "ok, you do one shoe and I'll do the other". While she's working on one, put the other on for her. If she's taking too long, or becoming inpatient say "take it off and start over, be patient, take your time". Try not to rush her. If that doesn't work, make it a game say "I'll count to ten and then it's my turn to try" and then follow through.

As for the "freak outs"...I know with DS he needs a warning. I have to say to him, ok, we're leaving in a minute (but if it's the park or something he REALLY loves I have to give 3 warnings at 10, 5 and 1 minute). That helps a lot.

Noticing your moods might help too. I notice that when I'm frustrated, DS becomes the same way very easily. I try to calm myself down before I ask him to do pretty much anything.

If you check, you'll see that I'm also expecting. Parenting in this condition is very trying. I remind myself daily that DS isn't even two yet. He's still a baby.

I'd say something to you about the light swats, but I have a feeling you know it's a useless practice that only teaches children to hit.

Keep calm and carry on. This too shall pass...eventually.

eileen32

Completely normal behavior.  I got a great book, the name escapes me now...it's downstairs and I'm too lazy to go get it But in the book, written by a child psych she does a great job of explaining behavior at this age.  At this stage of dev their emotions can change quickly, come on strong and also feel very overwhelming for them... at the same time they don't have the ability to verbally express what they feel so they do it through actions like you described.  It is not you.  And "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" recommends voicing their emotions for them. like right now my daughter has little episodes here and there.  I say " I know you feel mad about _____ I understand." It calms her..I say it a few time and then say, "Ok ready to move on?" And ususally she is.

livinitup

I was just reading Dr.Brazelton's Touchpoints on the 18- 24 month year old time.  It developmentally appropriate for a 20+ month old to "fall apart" at the end of the day.  Dr. Brazelton says that children actually hold-up their frustrations until they feel safe with you and let it go. He considers it a positive thing.  Its also a chaotic time -as you've seen- between independence and pleasing adults.  So expect her to struggle with doing it herself, wanting to go, wanting to stay, wanting to please, wanting to play - all the things you saw.  Your job (mine too) is to teach ..over and over.  Its all about teaching, reinforcing, and setting good boundaries. 

Over and over.  Without anger.  You can be pleasant.  Because after all, she is doing EXACTLY what she's supposed to do as a new tot in the world.  And she will learn and be more predictable and pleasant over time.  Don't loose heart or confidence.

And tell your DH to SHUT IT with the "it's all your fault" talk.  It's just so easy for him to wag a finger and say she'd be a perfect little princess if you were a better mother.  Screw that!  Does he KNOW how tots are supposed to behave?   Your DD is right on target.  Tell him to chill with the 'if you were a better mother" bit ..or he's going to be entitled to say that crap for the rest of her life ... grade school years, teen years, college years ...nip this in the bud NOW. 

And point of fact- children do better when the parents are on the same page, not blaming each other.

You are doing GREAT!  So is DD. Really.

Randa&Jerm

Thanks girls it does help and is comforting knowing that it is a normal phase that toddlers go through, and I knew that its just nice to hear it outside of my own head. ;o)

Keep the advice coming though =o) as I hear she is awake now.  Off to what hopefully will be a nice evening.

Fordlor

great advice in this post.  sfl.