I need a place to vent

Donniesgrrl

I am super upset right now, I got in a huge and I mean knock down drag out screaming match with my mom yesterday.

There is alot of back story and I wont type it all but it basically boils down to people's perceptions of how my H and I parent our Daughter, apparently we hover according to them and everyone has to walk on egg shells when we are around becasue we ask our nieces and nephews not to run around the house screaming when DD is taking Nap, mind you there is a half an acre outside and an entire bunkhouse for them to do that in, and we have all these weird rules because we feed her at certain times and put her to bed at a certain time, and you know babies have been born for millions of years and they were all fine with out monitors  and so on and so forth

I was also told that I need to get over the fact that my DD was in the NICU for 8 days...I mean come on it was 7 months ago you need to get over it acoording to her...that would be like me telling her she needs to get over her Horrid childhood or her medical problems, I will move past it but I will never get over it, I will always carry it with me and I think I am perfectly ok in doing that.

I just don't understand why parents think that it is ok to hurt their kids just becasue they are upset about things. 

There is alot more that I am not writing but I am at work and will get super upset again, I called her back after she hung up on me becasue I told her she needed to apologize for the hurtful things she said.  She screamed at me not to call her and I am not going to for at least a few days, I just don't know what to do.  I am sad and confused and hurt and so many other emotions that I can't put into words right now.

How would you handle it??  any ideas...

adamwife

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  We catch a lot of grief from our families too for the way we parent.  Our complaints have to do with how overprotective I am about germs and chemicals, as well as how strict we are with DS' nap schedule.  We leave family functions early and don't go if they fall during a nap or bedtime.

I have calmly explained to my parents that while they disagree with some of our choices, we are the parents and nothing they say is going to change the way we feel.  They either need to find a way to accomodate our choices (choosing to hold functions earlier or not during naps, having food that we eat available, etc.) or deal with the fact that we parent differently than they do.

I think you just need to let them know how it hurt you and go from there.

matc

My mom also thinks I am crazy for having DD on a schedule. She once babysat DD and didn't give her a morning nap or bottle. The bottle was supposed to be given after the nap, which didn't happen. I got really upset and called her out. I told her that I worked really hard to get her on a schedule and would hope she would respect that. I bet people tell you your DD is always SO happy. Well that's because DD knows what is going to happen; she knows what to expect.

Could you maybe write her a note on how your are feeling? As for your nieces and nephews. I say it's your house...they can behave how they want at their house but it's what you are comfortable with at your house. 

inbetweendreams

I wouldn't have any contact with her until she apologized. Your parenting decisions are yours alone, and everyone else just needs to shut up about it. Toxic people, regardless of whether or not they are family, are not in my circle of trust. Period.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I know she's your mom, which makes it even more emotional of an issue, but she's not treating you well. I wouldn't put up with that crap.

*KatieH*

I'm sorry.  Parents who haven't done NICU time have a hard time understanding how it messes with your head.   Just stick with your decisions you are the parent.    

megs042107

inbetweendreams:

I wouldn't have any contact with her until she apologized. Your parenting decisions are yours alone, and everyone else just needs to shut up about it. Toxic people, regardless of whether or not they are family, are not in my circle of trust. Period.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I know she's your mom, which makes it even more emotional of an issue, but she's not treating you well. I wouldn't put up with that crap.

I completely agree.?

lizobss

*KatieH*:

I'm sorry.  Parents who haven't done NICU time have a hard time understanding how it messes with your head.   Just stick with your decisions you are the parent.    

This.  I wouldn't contact her until she apologizes.  It doesn't sound like anything you are doing is unreasonable...I do the same things.  It's called good parenting!

Donniesgrrl

Thank you guys

It is hard to fully explain the relationship I have with my mom, but I'll just say that H and I and alot of our family feel she may be mentally Ill in some ways, she always is the victim, everyone is always out to make it hard on her and she is always stressed becasue people made her that way.  She is never accountable for her own actions and will probably deny ever having said the comment about the NICU.

Up until this point I have made do and dealt with it, but I am tired of dealing with it<I am tired of reverting back to being a kid again and living in fear of upsetting her because god knows what will happen.  I grew up in a very volatile household and I refuse to let my daughter have a chilhood like that.

I think some of this has to do witht he fact that I called her out, that I told her she was being unreasonable and I told her that if she has certain expectations of things are going to go then she needs to tell people that, we can't read her mind, although it is always expected that we do, and we should just know what needs to get done by looking around.  I have a 7 month old I am not going to ask if you need help more than 5 times if you say no than I am going to assume that things are handled.

Ugghhh this is so frustrating

nuttybunch

Write her a letter. Then set aside for 2-3 days and look at it again to make sure it's nice but truthful. Tell her that you will never do anything to hurt your baby and you would appreciate if she would let you make the decisions about how to raise your child.

Make sure to say something like, "After all, you did a great job of raising me. You should have faith that what you taught me growing up will help me do right by my own daughter."

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope it works out.

LaurenL1976

Donniesgrrl:

Thank you guys

It is hard to fully explain the relationship I have with my mom, but I'll just say that H and I and alot of our family feel she may be mentally Ill in some ways, she always is the victim, everyone is always out to make it hard on her and she is always stressed becasue people made her that way.  She is never accountable for her own actions and will probably deny ever having said the comment about the NICU.

We have the same mom.  Mine is also an incredibly big narcissist to boot.  The world revolves around her.  Why wouldn't it?

You need to accept that you'll never, ever change her.  Somehow, you need to learn to let things go - a process I am trying really hard to do.  You need to remember she is mentally ill, when she says things that are out of line.  It's a work in progress over here -  but I am learning to ignore her hurtful words.  I feel sorry for my mom, and I plan to parent much differently than her. 

She does often say "I was a wonderful mother to you!" and I haven't told her how crappy she truly was.  And I never will, she'll just deny it  

 

Donniesgrrl

I am trying hard to do that as well and I have done it for many years, I think the Comment about me letting the NICU experience go put me over the edge becasue even though I am over it for the most part it is still a very sensitive issue.  Yes I may be a little over protective but I watched her go through so much hurt and pain the first 8 days of her life, so I think I have license to me.