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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
No heartbeat at neighbor's checkup - I don't know what to do.
I have a neighbor that I've become friends with over the past year. She became pregnant in June. Today, I was outside with my daughter and her mom was leaving her house and came over and told me that they just went in for a second opinion today and there is no heartbeat. She doesn't work and I'm a SAHM so we're both home all the time. Do I call her? Go over to her house? Leave her alone? Get a card? Get a bereavement gift? I can't imagine what she's going through and I don't know what to do.
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Re: No heartbeat at neighbor's checkup - I don't know what to do.
One of my buddies showed up with fudge but didn't stay. Another called and said "You don't have to talk or even pick up the phone, but I'm going to call to check in. Let me know when you want to talk."
The best thing I heard was "I'm sorry." and "It sucks." and nothing about God's will or genetic issues or anything else. Just "I'm sorry."
My Blog
WHAT TO SAY (or at least my favorites):
I love you.
I'm sorry.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
WHAT NOT TO SAY (yes, it's been said to me):
What did you do?
Well you'll try right away/always have more.
So are you guys just gonna adopt now?
It was God's will/God has a plan/etc.
At least you know you can get pregnant! That's fantastic!
Funny - I was just gonna call - guess what? We're pregnant!
WHAT TO DO (or at least what I appreciated):
Flowers
Food (she probably won't want to eat but the rest of her family needs to and she won't want to cook).
Cards
Basically any kind gesture is so appreciated. Even if it's the "wrong" gift, as long as it's not a jerk move the neighbor will appreciate you thinking of her. Also - don't ask her what you can do. She's probably so overwhelmed and all over the place she doesn't know. Ask her DH or mother if there's something specific you can do.
Please bear in mind this is all very subjective but it's what helped me.
Send over a packaged snack/food/etc. Something that doesn't require any prep.
Offer to make a trip to the grocery store for her. (or pick up dry cleaning, or other local errand, etc.)
Now that I just tossed out several arrangements of "dead baby flowers" that were wilting and depressing me, I'd have to say that flowers are not a great gesture for this one. I might have loved something that was alive-like a rose bush or a perennial plant or bulbs or something.
ditto something alive instead of cut flowers. Someone gave us a blue spruce to plant in memory of our little one, and that meant a lot to me.
also ditto what dandyelle said. Just say something. And in a few weeks, keep saying something. What hurts the most are people who expect you to be over it because a little time has passed. Keep checking in on her.
You're a good friend.
Thank you so much for the wonderful advice!
I didn't have time to go to the store so I made homemade chocolate chip cookies and had DD paint a watercolor picture that I turned into a card. Her mom was at her house again today so I went while her mom was there in case she didn't want to answer the door. She came to the door and DD handed her the cookies and card. I gave her a hug and I started crying so I just told her I was sorry for her loss and that I would talk to her soon. When I can control my emotions better, I'll call her.