It's late and I'm hurting.... =(

travers081906

As I find myself sitting here because I can't sleep... I also find myself not being able to think correctly...

Ugh I just want to cry, but I feel as if I have no more tears to shed. My body can not feel anything b/c of the drugs, other than some cramping that must be severe cause I can still feel it. At times I don't know how to feel, sad, happy, hopeful, angry, confused... So many thoughts, memories and broken plans running through my head non stop. I feel so empty inside and all I want is to be whole again, to feel that happiness again, to have that glow... I just don't understand... i have so many unanswered questions....

So I talked to my SIL for the 1st time today since I had my d&c friday and she asks me if a resented her... no, no, no   Ughh... I love her so much, she is the sweetest person in the world, REALLY!!!!  The hard thing is that she is coming home in a couple of weeks and I am so not looking forward to seeing her pregnant belly. =( This time she is also going to let me know if it is a boy or a girl (crying my head off) I want to be soooo happy for her, I mean I am, and I want to see her, just not her belly... We were going to be pregnant together, we were only 2 months apart-- to the date, the 8th!!!

I know when I see her w/ her belly I'm just going to loose it...I have already mentioned it to her, and she just told me that she will be there for me and hug out my tears...  (aweeeee)  When she came home we were also going to take pics of our growing belly's together for the family =(

 Anyone else here have a similar outcome w/ a close one??? How do you or did you handle it?

someflower6

i am so sorry you're going through this awful time. i know it's really really hard... i posted many a late night tear session on this board. i wish i could tell you something that will make you feel better, but unfortunately the only thing that can really do that is time.

i know that loving your SIL and not resenting her pregnancy does not mean that it's easy for you to deal with it. on a personal note, my sister in law and i were 2 months apart as well (she's due in oct, i was due in dec). i love her so much and i love that she's going to be having a baby girl, and i love my little niece already... but that doesn't mean that it was an easy place to get to.

with that in mind, i just want to encourage you to give yourself a little more time to heal, and don't underestimate yourself. in a few weeks, you will be stronger, and although it may not be easy to deal with your sil's pregnancy, perhaps it wont be as difficult as you fear. remember that each pregnancy is different, and althuogh it may be uncomfortable for you at times to stand by her, you will-- just as she will stand by you the next time you get knocked up.

grr_aargh

I'm sorry.  I know it's hard.  My sister and I were pregnant together with our little boys (hers born in April, mine in June).  By the time she finished fertility treatment this time, I was already bleeding with my first miscarriage (in March).  She found out she was pregnant a week later -- and is due just 3 weeks after my due date -- except because it is twins, she'll be "term" ON MY DUE DATE.

Honestly, I don't know how to make it hurt less and I don't know how to get through it.  She's gotten very good at not telling me much until I ask - which works well for us.  I always try to ask.  But I haven't seen her since her belly got big.  I'll do that in a few weeks and the very thought of it makes me ill.  I'm EXCITED for her, but I'm in so much pain - part of learning to grieve is learning to balance those emotions, isn't it?  To be *both* happy and sad at once, a seemingly impossible task, becomes the new standard while you're grieving.  The biggest freeing thing for myself was allowing myself to feel as though that was OKAY and didn't need to be controlled or stopped or squelched in any way.  It's OKAY for me to hold her babies when they are born and weep for my own.  It's okay for me to be sad when I talk to her.  It's not okay for me to manifest that grief and direct it at her -- but it is okay for me to feel it.  Does that make sense?

BAM_2780

I feel your pain.  When I told my SIL I was 12 weeks pregnant, she told me she was 6.  I was due on 12/5 and she is due in January.  I had a miscarriage at 23 weeks last Thursday and a D&C on Friday.  My SIL has been fantastic.  I wasn't able to talk to her, but she did call my husband (her twin brother).  I finally called her yesterday as I need to get info about a wedding shower she is hosting for another friend.  It was tough.   And then I saw her yesterday at my inlaws.  I tried not to look at her belly and I didn't say much to her.  I know she understands, but I still feel guilty.  I am happy for her and I hope everything continues very smoothly for her, but I still look at her and think about how my belly looked, how it felt when my baby moved, etc.  I can't offer you any words of wisdom, but just my sincerest sympathy; I understand what you are going through.  I hope things get easier for both of us.