I saw my "bad news ultrasound" guy again.

DavezWife

I am "back on the horse" again with IF treatments. Done sitting out. I'm the one in charge again. It feels great. (post D&C after my 5th loss... last was a pregnancy of tri13, lost at 10-11 weeks)

When I found out, it was with a tech at a location I didn't normally go to, but he was very very sweet. Very quiet and reserved, didn't say much. All I remember is me saying "where's the heartbeat?" and him quietly saying "I don't see one, I"m sorry." (to which I thought he meant it was his error, lol)

Anywho... the other day I had to go get a baseline check, and sure enough, it was with him. I was actually glad, b/c it was bound to be boring news, nothing to report, no stress, just a check to make sure no cysts, lining good, etc. before meds. I wanted to get our 1st appt back together out of the way with something benign. Sure enough, all was well.

He was actually quite chatty, and we talked about how I much I appreciated how sweet he was for my bad news, etc. He said how hard it is to give the bad news, and how he hurts in a new way each time he has to be the one to say tell it. But the good always out numbers the bad, and to have parents walk out beaming always makes the heartache worth the tears.

This appointment the other day was a good reminder for me, that life keeps going. To steal a concept from the Lion King... the Circle of Life. I was at the very bottom of the pool of darkness only 10 weeks ago, and was not sure I could ever stop crying. Today I feel alive. I feel hopeful. I feel in charge. And I feel like I can do "this." whatever "this" is.

I still have my moments of saddness, and nothing takes away the pain of loosing 5 pregnancies. (nothing!) But for those that are still in that pit of hell, please know that there's light. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can't say it ever gets easy. But it has gotten just a little bit easier.

 

vkbaby09

Ohhh - I'm so happy for you that you are able to start ttc again and have a plan and appts already!  That's great.  It's also nice that you had that same u/s tech.  It sounds like it was a healing experience for you, so hopefully you won't associate him with horrible news if you happen to get him again in the future. 

It's funny how many people miscarriages affect.  Besides the parents (obviously), the whole family and medical professionals that have to deal with them are affected by it.  It's kind of nice to read about someone that you may not think about feeling the way he does.  Thanks for sharing.  I hope you get your sticky baby asap!

pbhennessy

Thank you for this post.  It made me feel somewhat hopeful.  I'm just a week out from the day we got our "bad news," and I have to say I'm still pretty far down in the pool of darkness... maybe not flat at the bottom like a week ago, but still pretty down.  Everyone on this board has been so helpful and supportive.  I hope that in time I can reach the point you are at.  I wish you the very best of luck.

DavezWife

I *have* to move ahead... a) I'm old, not much time left. and b) that's just how I heal. I move on. I'm just not one to sit idle. THAT is what hurts me. People heal and mend in different ways, and mine is by taking the bull by the horns, and finding a way to kick the arse of the one who bit me. lol.