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Good friend just had a miscarriage--what do I say?

eandjayeandjay
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

A good friend of mine just had a miscarriage at 12 weeks--I know that nothing I say/do will help her or make the situation better.  I am just so afraid of saying the wrong thing.  What was something that really bothered you that people said?  What are things that are helpful?  I know this varies from person to person but I just don't want to make the situation worse by saying something stupid.

Thanks!

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Re: Good friend just had a miscarriage--what do I say?

  • 3ltlones3ltlones member

    I think just telling her you are sorry is enough.  If you are close possibly bring her over some dinner.  Let her know in a few months that you are still thinking of her and most importantly on her due date, there are certain days that are going to be much harder for her than others.  I didn't like to be told it was meant to happen that way, or that she will get pregnant again.

    It's nice of you to want to be such a good friend to her.  I'll be thinking of her.

    DD(9)DD(5.5)DS(3)DS(born 2/1/11) July 2006, lost a baby at 8 weeks, natural miscarriage , May 2009 lost Zoe Eliana at 17 weeks no reason known, possible under developed organs. Lost two more babies in September 2009 at 7 wks 4 days. Had myomectomy surgery to remove a large fibroid in November 2009.
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  • ezbakejessezbakejess

    I'm sorry for her loss :(

    IMO - the best thing you can do is tell her you're sorry -that you're there to talk if she needs you. 

    For me, it would have been VERY hard to spend time with a pregnant friend, especially so soon.

    I don't know your relationship - so you will have to decide what's best, but my advice would be to let her know you are thinking of her, and give her some space.  

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  • Swede25Swede25 member
    imageezbakejess:

    I'm sorry for her loss :(

    IMO - the best thing you can do is tell her you're sorry -that you're there to talk if she needs you. 

    For me, it would have been VERY hard to spend time with a pregnant friend, especially so soon.

    I don't know your relationship - so you will have to decide what's best, but my advice would be to let her know you are thinking of her, and give her some space.  

    Took the words right out of my mouth!  I know what really irked me was when people said it happened for a reason, at least you know you can get pregnant, you'll have another baby someday, etc.  People need to understand that it is a loss, and you should treat it like so.  I don't think people would get a good reaction if they told a mother who lost their child to a car accident for example that it happened for a reason!

    Letting her know that you are thinking of her, and not ignoring the fact that it happened really helped me.

    TTC #1 since 7/08 After 3 years, 2 losses, 3 rounds of IUI, and one round of IVF, we finally have our dream come true! DS born 7/30/11

    TTC #2 off and on since 7/12

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  • smileychic10986smileychic10986
    I wish my friends had said something to me after I first told them and I got the "Aww I'm sorry, but it's ok, you can have more kids, it must have not been right timing."  That pissed me off them saying that.  "I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything you need?" would have been much better.  And it would be nice if they would mention is again, ask how I am doing now.  Because it still hurts, and it seems like everyone has forgotten about our little junior.  So remember her down the road (especially around her EDD), and ask how she is doing then.  Also give her whatever space she needs. 
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  • smileychic10986smileychic10986
    Maybe mention this board to her also?  It may be a good source of comfort for her.
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  • ezbakejessezbakejess

    imagesmileychic10986:
     So remember her down the road (especially around her EDD), and ask how she is doing then. 

    This too.

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  • summerbee1summerbee1 member

    definitely do NOT say, "oh well, you get to keep on trying/practicing/getting it on." That has irked me the most out of all of the responses from people I think.

    I really think saying that you are sorry and mentioning this board to her will be the best thing. It will be hard, especially since you are nearing the end of your pregnancy. She will probably have a hard time dealing with that (I know that I have).

    Let her know that you are there for her, and let her cry on your shoulder and talk it out if she needs to. I think it's great you are really trying to be sensitive about this. She is lucky to have a concerned friend like you.

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  • MixiePixieMixiePixie

    Most of the people in our lives have been great - mostly just letting us know that they are there if we need to talk, or if we need anything, etc.  No one has said anything that ended up being hurtful or ignorant later.  The only thing that has really started to p*ss me off is people telling me it is God's will, or God's plan, or that God had a reason.

    I'm sorry to hear about your friend.  This is one of the worst things I could ever imagine, and she will appreciate just knowing you are there to support her (even if she doesn't take you up on the offer to talk).

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