A Father's Loss

carolinejory

If you?ve never lost anything or never really had anything to lose then this most likely won?t apply to you.  On the other hand if you have lost something or someone, then perhaps this will make perfect sense.

Each day I wake up and there?s an underlying current of excitement surrounding the anticipated birth of my first child, ?Peanut?.  The first thing I do before work each morning is take a long look at Peanut?s ultrasound picture I?d framed when he/she was eight (8) weeks old.  Feelings of excitement, anxiousness, responsibility, pride, and fear form into an emotional ball that bounces in different directions based on the events of the day.  Some days I?m incredibly proud of what I?m bringing into this world and some days I?m fearful that I?m not equipped with the proper toolset to be a good father.  However, one thing I?m certain of is that I?ll be the best father I can possibly be.  I?ve taken the steps to prepare myself and my family with the best possible chance to succeed.  I?ve begun to make plans for Peanut and frankly I don?t care whether it?s a boy or a girl.  I just want it to hurry up and get here.

The week of August 9^th 2009 had been a very stressful week as my aunt that helped raise me battled Stage IV B-Cell Lymphoma for the last month and was slowly deteriorating.  She?d been in the hospital for well over a month and had been released into Hospice care earlier in the week.  I knew she was going down but I didn?t realize the rapid pace at which she was falling.  She slipped into a coma on August 10^th and we lost her the morning of August 11^th.  Unfortunately my wife and I weren?t able to visit my aunt as often as we wanted to because she had a highly contagious bacterial infection that if either of us contracted could affect our pregnancy.

August 12^th seemed like each of the last hundred Tuesdays that came before it.  Once finished with work my wife decided to cook chicken parmesan for the both of us.  After my normal dosage of overeating I was relaxing on the couch when my wife called for my attention.  This wasn?t her normal ?I?m just seeing if you?re paying attention? call as she had a different tone to her voice; a concerned tone.  She mentioned she had used the restroom and found very small drops of blood in her toilet paper.  I tried my best not to panic and told her that everything was going to be ok and we didn?t have anything to worry about.  I told her we?d make an appointment to go see the Doctor in the morning.

The morning of August 13^th was filled with controlled chaos.  My mother was scheduled to have a colonoscopy at 11:00 AM and I was taking her to and from her appointment.  I packed my laptop and began my trek southward to pick up and drop off my mom.  Once finished I hurriedly drove to my wife?s 3:00 PM Doctors appointment.  When I arrived at the hospital and walked into the office I could tell my wife had already been crying.  Still, I was unfazed because I read several articles where women had my wife?s same symptoms and seemed to be perfectly normal.

After sitting in the waiting room for an hour the nurse finally calls our name.  We reach our room, sit down, and explain the symptoms to the nurse.  ?Lot?s of women have these symptoms and I?m sure today?s ultrasound will be just fine? was the message the nurse swore by.  Ten more minutes of explaining the same symptoms to the Doctor and we were ready for our reassurance that everything was just fine. We could finally put a stop to our worrying.

I looked at my wife sympathetically as I can only imagine the discomfort of an ultrasound.  So invasive, so personal, so telling.  At first glance I was overjoyed because I saw Peanut hanging there upside down, just like he/she was in the picture in my office.  However, there was something missing this time.  I couldn?t see the heartbeat I saw four (4) weeks ago.  I had no idea what we were experiencing was the visual proof that we had lost our child.  All I could do is sit there in disbelief, helpless, wanting so badly to change the outcome of the results.  How could I love something so strongly that I haven?t even seen yet?  Why is this happening to us?  We did everything by the book.  This isn?t supposed to happen.

I?ve never hurt the way I hurt today.  I have this empty feeling throughout my entire body that simply won?t go away.  I look at my wife who?s hurting as badly or worse than I am and I can?t do anything to fix the pain or to fix her.  Again, I?m helpless, sinking in my own skin.  I sit and stare out the window not looking at anything in particular just wishing the sadness would go away.  I try my hardest not to cry but these feelings are none I?ve ever felt before.  I?ve never hurt this bad.  I?ve never cried with this kind of pain.  All I want is my little Peanut back.  I already miss him/her and I didn?t even get the opportunity to hold him/her.

Everywhere I turn there?s reminders of children which magnifies my pain.  I feel like these baby signs and commercials are pointed directly at me and I can?t escape the thoughts of what could have been, and what should have been.  What was Peanut going to look like?  What was he/she going to sound like?  I have thousands of these types of questions on a continuous loop running through my head.    

DavezWife

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It's very painful to hear a father's side of the pain. Thank you for sharing, though.

Kel&Jay

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Peanut.  It's very unfortunate that, as little understanding as there is for women going through this, there is even less understanding for men.

 

vkbaby09

I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby and the loss of your beloved aunt.  It's very hard to go through even one of those losses and you had to experience two in a very short time.  It's so unfair.  You wrote your story very eloquently and I hope it helped you a little.  I know every time I talk or write about my losses it helps me a little bit.  I hope you're able to share your thoughts about the miscarriage and the loss of your baby with your wife.  If you find it hard to talk about it with her at first, then I would suggest letting her read this post as I'm sure she'll feel warmed by your thoughtful sentiments and that you care so much even if it's hard for you to show.  Please feel welcome to discuss everything you are going through on this board because even though I don't know that there are any other men on here, I know my husband sometimes reads the posts and this board has helped me so much through the worst time of my life.  You and your wife are in my thoughts.

priya&peter

I am so sorry for everything you and your wife are going through.  I wish I had words that could make you feel better but unfortunately I know the pain you are experiencing can't be healed with words.  I know it seems completely impossible but with time you will begin to heal.  The most important thing right now is to try to comfort your wife and for your wife to comfort you.  I know you are both devastated to have lost your peanut but you still have each other and you will need each other's love to get through this.  You are both in my thoughts and prayers.  Like the prior posts said, I hope you will both come here whenever you feel like you need to talk to people that understand what you have endured.  This board has been a great source of support for me after my loss.

heathergirl67

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure this pain.  I urge you to share your tears, fears, and thoughts with your wife.  My DH didn't and I learned that he was trying to be strong for me and not bring me down.  But to me it translated as "he doesn't care" or "he's over it and I probably should be too."  I hope you come back here as often as you need to.

smileychic10986

I am so sorry for the loss of you little peanut.  As pp said, make sure you and your wife are talking through this, and just there to support each other.  It is so hard to deal with, I know.  I promise you, the pain dos get easier to deal with.  You will never forget the little one you lost.  And you won't be able to replace that child.  Thank you for sharing your point of view.  I am sorry.

jenick

I'm so sorry for you loss.  Feel the pain.  Feel it with with your wife.  Go through it with with her.  Be strong for her, but show her that you are hurting too.  I sort of resented my husband for a while because he was so strong for me that I really never saw him hurt.  I learned months later that he did, but I think it would have helped me had I known at the time.  Good luck to you.