difficult hearing from people who knew of previous loss

kmtfu

I'm finding it incredibly difficult to listen to people who knew of my previous loss be excited for me and whatnot when they offered really poor support in my time of need. : (  I can't even look this one woman in the eye because if I do, I'm pretty certain I will flat out tell her to leave me the hell alone because I dno't need her enthusiasm now when it's good stuff, because I needed her support more so a year ago.

And then there's talking to a friend who's 10 weeks ahead who never even wanted children who is talking to me like she's my doctor and telling me she wants to be there for me when she couldn't even bother to send me a damn email a year ago to see how I was doing when I really needed her.

This is why I waited SO LONG to tell some people... but I HATE feeling like this when they talk to me.  I really need to move past this.

Can anyone relate or am I totally whacked?

vera1127

I know it's a hard mix of emotions to deal with. I have friends who have never even acknowledged my loss and that was tough to deal with. But think about how you would feel if they weren't excited for you...would you be okay with that? Now should be a time for you to share the excitement of your baby with others, not to be mad at them for something that they can't go back and change. Don't feel bad for how you're feeling, but try to look at it from all perspectives! I hope you feel better soon.

knelli

To tell you the truth I have completly cut out one friend who did the same thing to me when I had my loss.  She never said sorry (eventhough we all know sorry doesnt change anything, its nice to hear) and as soon as I was out of the hospital she said "Oh good, now we can start going to happy hour again"  That was her only care... while I was pg I couldnt drink with her but as soon as I lost my baby she was ready to party.

lovesinthehouse

I can kind of relate. I don't want to tell friends who think they're good friends with me, but really lost that status when they didn't do sh!t after I m/c'ed. One of my friends thinks I hold people to too high of a standard. I'm trying to work on it and just let it go, but it doesn't mean I'm going to tell them now, along with my close friends who were there during the m/c. Does that make any sense? I try to remind myself that no one's perfect, and friends will come and go in life.

WearingRed

Yes I can relate. I feel like there are so many people who didn't even bother to say they were sorry for my loss who now I don't want to tell about this baby becuase well its none of their business. If they aren't going to be my friend in the time of need then I don't want them around in my time of joy. It's my joy and I will share it when I want to with who I want to!

(I do feel a bit mean writing this)

sunnymel

Ok, I totally understand! This is actually DH's stepmom. After our loss, she sent me this really ridiculous email RIGHT after (like so soon that I wasn't even at work and saw it on my blackberry) and it wasn't a simple "sorry for your loss", it was basically how her loss was so much worse than ours. I of course deleted it and never responded. THEN a few weeks later (like 4 weeks) I get another email with an ultrasound picture attached announcing that her daughter is expecting and it will be her third grandchild- we have a son and her daughter had 1 child at the time- you do the math. It was after that I decided I was pretty much through with her. I was so pissed and hurt. I don't know when DH will tell him dad, I'm really indifferent to it (there are other things outside of this that causes me to feel that way, but it's a whole other story.)

I have a couple of friends too who just were really insensitive about the whole thing, and I feel like it changed our friendships. If the shoe were on the other foot type of thing. I guess you learn who your real friends are...

You aren't alone

kmtfu

WearingRed:

Yes I can relate. I feel like there are so many people who didn't even bother to say they were sorry for my loss who now I don't want to tell about this baby becuase well its none of their business. If they aren't going to be my friend in the time of need then I don't want them around in my time of joy. It's my joy and I will share it when I want to with who I want to!

(I do feel a bit mean writing this)

hehe, i understand about feeling mean, but i think this is a safe place where people can relate because of that one thing that brings us here- our loss(es). and that's why i posted because i really do not like these feelings and i hate feeling like i have to contain my utter joy around certain people in case something happens again. and i think that's what's happening.

and cora you're right in that i do need to be happy that they're happy this time and they were last time and i do get that some jsut have no clue how to deal with a pg loss or the ramifications a loss can truly have on a woman, but ... ugh.  these two people i talk of, in particular, made some really awful STUPID comments a year ago and i just cant let it go just yet.

JEOZ

This is EXACTLY how I feel.  I've actualy had people who have nerve enough to say "Are you ready for this?" when seeing a screaming baby or toddler.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I have been dealing with the death of my daughter since last year.  What I would have given to hear her scream and cry and act like a baby! 

My mom has been super excited for the new baby even though she hasn't been the most understanding person after the death of my daughter.  I really resent her excitement.

Also, I find people ignore my pregnancy completely.  I am 23 weeks and clearly pregnant.  Some people are so akward about it and pretent like I'm not pregnant.

 

DrDPM

You're not alone. My maid of honor and supposed best friend was giving birth to her baby girl at almost the exact time I was in surgery losing my baby girl. Even in my own pain, I still sent her congratulations, called her, and was genuinely happy for her. I told her what had happened...and nothing. Not a single word from her. When I announced on Facebook I was pregnant again, she was all excited and left a comment about being so happy. It actually made me feel a rage that I've never felt before - I though the same thing as you: she wasn't there during the bad times when I needed her the most, so why would I want to share the good times with her. I've deleted her as a friend

jeffrae

I know.  I hear ya and feel the same.  You just have to acknowledge that they just did not know how to react.  I actually felt this way (not knowing how to react) when two friends experienced the loss of a father, and one of a brother.  I since reached out to them and told them that I was sorry for not being there after going through my m/c.  One accepted my apology, and the other (who is a dear friend of mine) did not think that a miscarriage was the same.  My point is, try to not hold it against them if they are reaching out to you now.

 On the flip side, I was the first in my group of friends to go through a miscarriage.  It finally came out when we told them at 12 weeks we were expecting.  No one really knew how to respond.  Since then, two more of my friends in this circle have experienced miscarriages and it has made us closer.  At first it is taboo, and then it is okay.  You never know, they might be reaching out to you for help someday.

thewarrens

I'm totally with you on this one....  And what's worse...  Last time - MIL & SIL didn't even acknowledge the pg with our LO.  Never asked how I feel, how Dr's visits were going - didn't say "wow - you have a belly now!" - NOTHING.  But, when we lost him - 2 days past our due date - they were all crying & sad.  THAT was hard to handle.  I felt like punching them in the face.  Oh - forgot to mention - MIL PLANNED to be away on vacation when the baby was DUE!!!  So - due date was 4/26...  She went out of the country from 4/18 - 4/28.  When she landed from the trip - she called DH to brag about how great it was.  DH's response:  We're in the hospital & we lost the baby.

I will never be able to forgive her for that.  She totally abandoned her son when he was expecting the birth of his.  I think that's a crappy ass mom if you ask me.

mrs.dovey

I don't post on this board much, but i wanted to respond.  I lost my son 5 years ago to Amniotic Band Syndrome. ABS is a genetic fluke, and my specialist has told me repeatedly that it is soooo rare to have ABS affect two pregnancies.  My DH is not the father of my angel baby.  My MIL had the nerve to say to my DH when he told her we were pregnant, " We'll it's not like the baby will live"     I have never liked my mil and this completly did me in with her.   She will not be a part of my childs life, weather it kills her or not!

thewarrens

mrs.dovey:

I don't post on this board much, but i wanted to respond.  I lost my son 5 years ago to Amniotic Band Syndrome. ABS is a genetic fluke, and my specialist has told me repeatedly that it is soooo rare to have ABS affect two pregnancies.  My DH is not the father of my angel baby.  My MIL had the nerve to say to my DH when he told her we were pregnant, " We'll it's not like the baby will live"     I have never liked my mil and this completly did me in with her.   She will not be a part of my childs life, weather it kills her or not!

PLEASE give me her address.  I'd like to kill her myself.

honeybeee

Yes, I can relate to that.  I had some friends that really surprised me with their lack of support or with their comments.  I didn't like talking about my pregnancy with them for a long time.  One of them is a really good friend of mine, who I also work with, and this was probably bad of me, but I didn't tell her I was pg and she just found out when the rest of my coworkers did when I was 17 weeks or so.

It got better for me with time, so I hope it does for you too!