What would you do?

madameprimm

I got some heartbreaking news today. A friend of mine who lives a few units over from me came by to congratulate me on my pregnancy, but she also came with terrible news. She has had 2 previous miscarriages because she has a hard time carrying pregnancies to term. However, with her most recent pregnancy she was able to make it all the way through even with a bunch of major complications. Unfortunately, her baby passed away at 12 days old due to a heart defect that wasn't detected in utero. I didn't even know what to say since I don't really deal with loss/death well (or at all). I just hugged her and told her how sorry I am. That just feels so cheap to me though. I wish there was something else, something better I could do/say.

Anyway, here is my dilemma. She told me to keep her updated on my pregnancy. This is where I'm feeling conflicted. I'm not the really mushy type that just talks about the baby 24/7 even though I'm elated so it wouldn't be like that. I would just feel as though I was rubbing it in her face or something even though she requested that I do this. I feel horrible, and part of me feels guilty for being pregnant. I know that probably doesn't make any sense, but she has gone through SO much that my heart just breaks for her.

So what would you ladies do in a situation like this?

greenclown

That's terrible for her.  I'd stay in touch with her (to the extent that is normal for your friendship), but let her ask about your pregnancy.  I don't think I'd feel comfortable calling her up and blabbing on about my pregnancy without kind of getting a green light from her.

Is she a close friend? 

anabell0920

Im not sure about what to do for her. maybe get her a gift card to a spa or something similar to lift her spirits Im honestly not sure, but about keeping her updated i would to a point, not call her every time the baby moves obviously but just big stuff like gender and stuff. She could honestly be happy for you and doesn't want to make you feel like you can't enjoy your pregnancy around her. that's a tough situation

shotzie

I would just be there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on and I wouldn't bring up your pregnancy unless she asks about it.  If she's feeling up for hearing about it, she'll ask.  Even though she said to keep her posted, I'd feel the same way you do, that you don't want to talk about it all the time given her situation. 

A co-worker lost her baby at 38 weeks last year and she said she'd rather talk about it and not just pretend like it didn't happen.  You might ask her if she'd like to plant a rose bush together in her daughter's honor or something like that to aknowledge her daughter's life.  Just an idea.   

CapitolBaby

If I were you, I'd make her a gift basket which includes lots of her favorite things:  gift card to favorite restaurant, favorite chocolate, a piece of jewelry to remember her baby by, DVD, etc.  I would choose a piece of jewelry that incorporates the birthstone of the baby.  Let her know you're thinking about her - it'll mean the world to her.  You already sound like a great friend, and I'm sure she knows that. 

Be honest with her, and tell her that you don't know how to talk about your pregnancy with her without feeling guilty.. she'll appreciate the honesty. This will probably be one of the loneliest times of her entire life.  When I had my miscarriage, I couldn't even bare to see children without feeling like a failure.  She definitely needs all the TLC she can get.  Regardless - you sound like a great friend.

madameprimm

Thanks ladies you've given me some great advice. I am terrible with things like this to the point the where it is really embarrassing. We are not BFFs, but we share the bond of being Army wives so we consider ourselves friends even if we don't talk that often. We hit it off after a random meeting, but we've mostly kept in touch via text messages or short home visits (these are rare).

I think I may bake her something since she always says how she hates to be out of town when I'm baking. I think the flower/plant idea is fantastic, and as for the updates I was thinking about only big ones or on her asking. So I'm glad to know that would be what others would do as well.

 

ditzydi_2000

I don't think I'd give her updates unless she asks when you see each other.  I think I would have the same reservations about this as you do.  I can't imagine what she's going through but it's still very nice that she's excited for ya'll despite her loss.

jarbatz

A good friend of mine went through this very same thing a year ago.  Her baby died about 15 days after she was born b/c of a heart defect.  The funeral was heartbreaking.  I can tell you that my friend went through a whole range of emotions....and coincindentally her best friend was also pregnant and about to deliver so it was a very difficult situation for both of them.  She didn't want to not be happy for her friend but at the same time was mourning her own loss.  

I think the best thing you can do is give her details when she asks, be a good friend to her the way you would any friend going through this...offer to make meals for her, stop by to visit, etc. 

Hopefully she's got a strong support system to help her get through this.  I will also tell you that my friend is due to deliver a very healthy baby in a few weeks here...so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

LisalovesDarren

greenclown:

That's terrible for her.  I'd stay in touch with her (to the extent that is normal for your friendship), but let her ask about your pregnancy.  I don't think I'd feel comfortable calling her up and blabbing on about my pregnancy without kind of getting a green light from her.

This is what I would do too....

kate1011

How sad for her!  That just breaks my heart. Maybe buy her some flowers and just provide a shoulder for her to lean on. 

I would honor her request to keep her updated; at least as much as you would normally.

 

GCavvv

shotzie:

I would just be there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on and I wouldn't bring up your pregnancy unless she asks about it.  If she's feeling up for hearing about it, she'll ask.  Even though she said to keep her posted, I'd feel the same way you do, that you don't want to talk about it all the time given her situation. 

A co-worker lost her baby at 38 weeks last year and she said she'd rather talk about it and not just pretend like it didn't happen.  You might ask her if she'd like to plant a rose bush together in her daughter's honor or something like that to aknowledge her daughter's life.  Just an idea.   

 I agree