Babies and small children

vkbaby09

Okay, so I'm sitting here feeling pretty low b/c, well, my babies died, and now my DH and I are fighting.  I'm trying to figure out why we're not getting along after being soooo so close for about a month after our loss.  He's explained to me why he's been crappy to me, and I do understand that it's because I've kinda shut down on him (which I tend to do subconsciously sometimes).  I'm thinking that I'm doing this because I feel like he thinks that some of my grief is, for lack of a better word, wrong.  The thing that sticks out the most to me is how he kinda scoffed at me for having an aversion of babies and small children... 

We were in Costco last week and a little girl was staring at me and trying to get my attention, which I didn't respond to like I normally would have by smiling and waving back.  I've also mentioned to him how seeing pg ladies makes me very uncomfortable and even when he mentions something about our nieces and nephews and him I generally end up saying something more negative or start to cry (those are the kids that my babies would have interacted with the most and to see/hear about my DH playing with them makes me think how badly I wanted to make him a dad and see him with our babies). 

So, I think this is where our disconnect is.  My problem is that I want to talk to him about it tomorrow, so hopefully we can start to be better again, but I'm having a hard time pinpointing what my emotions are when I see babies and small children.  I know it makes me sad and miss what I would have had with my DSs.  What else?  What are your feelings about being around and seeing babies?  How can I express to my DH, in man language, these feelings?

Oh, and am I the only one who's having a hard time getting along with their DH after such a loss?  I've read in all the books that you shouldn't really lean on your spouse too much after losing a child b/c they're too involved in their own grief to be able to be as supportive as necessary.  He was just so great at first and helped me survive the first few weeks and now I feel so distant from him.  It also doesn't help that he's in his super busy season right now and has worked crazy hours the last few days!  Arghhh - when can I win?

Well, thank you for reading all this - I really didn't mean for it to be this long!  Also, thank you for your wonderful support - you ladies rock!   

heathergirl67

Hhmmm... it's tough for me to explain things in guy language.  Maybe you could compare it to how he would feel if he lost you.  Some magical thing happened where he couldn't be with you anymore.  If he saw you out and about with your new man having a blast together he certainly wouldn't be happy about it.  He might even be so hurt over losing the love of his life that he wouldn't want to see other happy couples because it's just a painful reminder of what he had and still should have.  That's how it is for moms who've had their babies taken away from them.  The pain is still too fresh.

Leah11599

No, you are not alone in feeling a disconnect with your DH after a loss.  My DH was great too for about the first month and now we bicker over stupid stuff and it makes my angry that he doesn't understand why I'm still so sad.  In his defense, I can't explain to him how I feel, so I'm not much help to your question. I do agree that maybe comparing your grief to what it would be like for him if he lost you might be helpful, but I dont think I would go as far as comparing it to him loosing you and seeing you happy with another man.  That might escalate the situation into the wrong direction. I also think it might help if maybe you showed him your post about this subject.  I think you explained it very well and maybe thats because I know exactly how you feel, but sometimes your words have a deeper meaning when they are written instead of spoken. Goo dluck and I hope things start looking up for you!

lax15bsu

Thankfully, my FI understands why I can't stand to be near babies or small children.  We were at my little sister's birthday party this weekend and one of my neighbors brought her granddaughter over to show my mom - I literally ran out of the room to get outside and away.  I didn't realize until FI told me later that it was VERY obvious why I was getting out of there.  But my family knew, and the neighbor knew too and apologized to me later.

I think you just need to explain to DH that seeing a lady who is pregnant just brings all of your hurt crashing back down on you as if you just lost your baby all over again.  You can't help but look at the pg lady and wonder - would I be that big by now?  Why AREN'T I that big by now?  It's a cruel reminder from the universe of what was taken from you.

And babies and small children are the same way - I was okay with seeing them until after my first EDD.  But now I see babies and realize what I missed out on.  I should have a one and a half year old child right now.  I should be preparing to welcome my second child into the world in a few weeks.  And seeing babies just brings it home each and every time - I don't have that.  I didn't get that chance. 

 After my first m/c, FI started acting like your DH is doing now.  I had to flat out tell him to stop it and let me grieve.  I'm not going to get over losing this baby in a few months.  I told him that every pregnant lady reminded me and brought that feeling of loss right up to the surface, no matter how deep I buried it the day before.  Every baby I saw just made my arms ache, because I didn't get to hold mine.  I will never 'get over' losing any of my babies.  Even ten years from now, I'm going to see a young child playing baseball and tear up, thinking, my son should be out there playing too.