Help- trouble dealing with step-situation
twinkl5379
member
Hi,
FI and I have been together 2.5 years and are about to get married in 5 weeks (1 year long distance and 1.5 together). He has 2 kids from first marriage; I have none.
Having SKids has been difficult for me; not so much b/c of them, but I have a hard time accepting the fact that he has children with another woman. It is very unnatural to me and difficult to accept that we'll never have our own family unit; in fact, he has one that I'm not a part of.
I just have a hard time every now and then accepting this fact. And sometimes I just get really frustrated about it. Things like me asking him to let me know which wknd of the month he plans to have the kids. I asked him to let me know if it works for us BEFORE he schedules it with BM. I just think this is considerate and makes me feel more a part of the family. And it bothers me when he just calls her directly and assumes that only his and her schedules matter. I feel like he excludes me from his thinking about the family. So this is just one thing to pick out, but overall it's just difficult.
So how long does it take for this to normalize? It has gotten better with time, but frustration still creeps up from time to time.
By the way, it may be more difficult b/c they don't have a great relationship and he tries to limit communication with her. And I've never even met her.
Re: Help- trouble dealing with step-situation
Having SKids has been difficult for me; not so much b/c of them, but I have a hard time accepting the fact that he has children with another woman. It is very unnatural to me and difficult to accept that we'll never have our own family unit; in fact, he has one that I'm not a part of.
I don't mean this meanly but these are his children. If there is anything unnatural in the picture it is you (and we step parents in general) not the children. I know it can be a difficult thing to deal with, but now is the time to make that decision. If you aren't going to be able to settle for something less than a traditional family unit, you still have the chance to have that with someone else.
I just have a hard time every now and then accepting this fact. And sometimes I just get really frustrated about it. Things like me asking him to let me know which wknd of the month he plans to have the kids. I asked him to let me know if it works for us BEFORE he schedules it with BM. I just think this is considerate and makes me feel more a part of the family. And it bothers me when he just calls her directly and assumes that only his and her schedules matter. That excludes me from the thought? So this is just one thing to pick out, but overall it's just difficult.
Do they not have a set schedule? Yes, it may be courteous for him to include you in the planning, but honestly he shouldn't feel like he has to ask for your permission to see his children. If you are just feeling left out, talk to him about how you are feeling and let him know you want to be more involved.
I have a hard time accepting the fact that he has children with another woman. It is very unnatural to me and difficult to accept that we'll never have our own family unit; in fact, he has one that I'm not a part of.
First of all, we all go into relationships where the other person has done more or has had firsts without us, from easy stuff like living abroad, to the medium stuff like owning (and having to move into) their own home, to the harder things, like being married before.
My question for you, is this difficult because YOU will never have children or because he already has children?
If it is the first, why are you not having a family unit of your own?
and difficult to accept that we'll never have our own family unit;
And why can't his children be part of your family unit?
Adoptive and foster parents (as well as we step moms) can love our non-biological kids as much as our own (as someone with step and bio kids, I know this to be true).
It is up to YOU to open your heart to the possibilities.
I just think this is considerate and makes me feel more a part of the family. And it bothers me when he just calls her directly and assumes that only his and her schedules matter. I feel like he excludes me from his thinking about the family.
This has nothing to do with being a stepfamily and EVERYTHING to do with an inconsiderate FI.
These are issues that YOU need to work out before you marry, because marriage will not "normalize" them. If he does not love or respect you enough NOW to include you in the household decision making, why do you think a marriage license will change things? Why would you want to be with someone who does not even care enough to see if your schedule will be affected by his schedule?
Now, I DO believe that he does not have to ask your permission to see his children (it is a fine line), but respect goes both ways.
I suggest some serious 'coming to jesus' discussions before you make this permanent.
Thanks. we're struggling with trying to make these "coming to jesus" decisions. I would NOT tell him no, you can't see your children. I just feel like if there are 3 adults in this situation, then my schedule and availability should also be considered, not just his and hers. It makes me feel like I'm not as important in the equation.
We do say that we want children together, so I mean the biological family unit that he has created to date does not include me, and it's been hard being the outsider. I realize I have a choice to continue or not be a part of this dynamic. I want to make it work; sometimes it's great. I just have ups and downs with it. Is this normal at 1.5 years into it? The counselor we met with and all the books I read say it is. But what are YOUR experiences?
just because he had a life before you does not mean that you are outside the family unit. his family unit would include both you and his children. yours should also include him and his children.
i do think it would be considerate of you to include you when making plans. does he not have a set visitation schedule with his ex, like every other weekend?
Here is the thing, and I am going to be brutally honest. You are the only one here who can do anything about any of the things you are feeling. While his visitation schedule may not be set, as far as feeling like part of the family is concerned that is all up to you.
What have YOU done to try to be more of a "family unit" as you say? Have you told him how you feel about not being included in when you get the kids? There are not three adults in your relationship - you need to stop putting so much emphasis on the BM's role in your FI's life. Is she there? Yes, but your relationship with your FI is just that - YOUR relationship. Your relationship with the SK's is just that - YOUR relationship.
It honestly sounds to me like you are not ready or willing to handle the demands and pressures of being a stepmother, and for the kids sake you need to think about whether you should go through with the wedding. Your FI and BM have a relationship because of the kids, can it be annoying - Hell yes!
But honestly, I have a come to a point in my relationship with my SD's BM that I talk to her more than DH does! Do I like it? No. Why do I do it? Because it is what is best for SD. You need to suck this up and decide if you can be with a man who has kids or if you can't.
I try to make myself part of the family. When SKs were here last month I chased them around the yard, played ball with them while FI cut the grass and played outside with them for over an hour while FI slept.
Sometimes it's easy to know that he's with me and not BM anymore. But sometimes it creeps up on me and frustrates me. I know it's something I have to accept and deal with...just wanted to see if this happens to others too. Keep in mind I've been playing the role of SM b/c we live together but we have not been married though I've wanted to in the past. It's just taken a while for us to really feel ready b/c this has been really difficult. A lot of good times and yet a lot of hard times.
is this how it's been for everyone?
My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage (15 and 6). We dated for 2 years, and were married in November. The kids BM calls ALL the time.....the kids aren't listening...the kids are driving me crazy...the kids won't pick up there stuff...etc. It used to drive me crazy! I felt like my life w/my husband was constantly being intruded upon by this woman. Granted, I get along w/BM - but she still drives me NUTS. It did take me some time to adjust to the step parent role. It can be challenging playing a parental role - yet not being their birth parent.
Your man is w/you because he loves YOU. You need to find comfort in that. Also, I'm sure he would have NO relationship w/BM if there weren't kids.
As for the schedule - I would work with both DH and BM to nail down a specific weekend every month. It would make sense for everyone as far as planning goes. Then there wouldn't be surprises.
Lastly, don't think of it as "un natural" that he has kids with another woman. Everyone comes with a past. His kids are now your kids...they are a part of your family unit. The sooner you start looking at the kids as YOURS too....the easier it will be.
Hang in there.
I don't think you need a coming to Jesus talk. Coming to Jesus to me sounds like you have to get preachy and put your foot down. I don't think you're there and more than likely your FI is obilivious you feel this way or why.
I do think you can politely ask him to work on a set schedule. Let him know that this is all new to you and you're a planner. You like to know things ahead of time so you can plan and be prepared and not have your plans changed last minute all of the time. Tell him, it would make you much happier if you just know ahead. Put it positively. Let him know, that yes, you understand that last minute things will come up, and you'll appreciate as much notice as possible if the last minute plans are kept to a minimum and only when necessary. If he says his ex probably will be difficult, tell him that he should try to work out an amicable solution that works for both and if she refuses...take her to court.
As far as your feelings - you can not blame him for having a life before you. Only you can resolve this within yourself and I don't think it's healthy for you to harbor these feelings. I'd ask yourself why you feel this way and why you are so insecure. Try to find ways that would take for you to feel better about it. You sound a bit jealous and resentful and I'm really shocked that you feel like you're not a part of the family. Dig deep and figure out why. I'm not necessarily suggesting you run off to counseling right away, but if you can't cope with it or figure it out and improve your feelings on your own, you might want to consider it for yourself. You'd be surprise what a few visits could accomplish and help you discover about yourself and bring you some peace about this.
I'm surprised you considered marriage with him if you feel this way. And I'm guessing this close, you are not willing to postpone. So it's now your responsibility to find a way to get over it and come to terms with it. A jealous step mom is not good and even if you do not feel like it, you are a part of this family and you will have a negative affect on it as long as you don't try to resolve this somehow. As long as you are trying to - it's a good thing. Give yourself time. Have patience with yourself and them and take each battle one by one. Eventually it will get better. I promise.
And PLEASE. BY ALL MEANS - do NOT even think about trying to have a baby thinking it will fix this issue of yours. It won't. Do not mix another innocent child into this until you find some peace with why you feel this way and have a healthier attitude toward your new family.
Good luck. Please come back. some of our opinions might be harsh, but we mean well and we give good, honest advice. We'll help you work thru this. They helped me stay sane and do the right thing as I worked thru my issues that I struggled with.
Let us know how things go, and good luck with your wedding. I hope you have a very happy, beautiful, wonderful day.
j+k, thank you so much. i'm in tears as i read your post b/c i want the harsh truth. I know what you're saying is true, and that's what i want to hear.
we have gone to counseling together, but i can't afford to go alone b/c my insurance won't cover it. i know that i'm jealous of this past life (the comparisons of me to his x go way beyond what i've listed here), and i don't know why. i honestly am NOT a jealous person in other aspects of my life; i am not competitive or anything, but this situation has really brought a different side out of me, and i'm not sure why. but i don't like it.
oh, believe me, he knows how i feel about everything; i don't hide anything from him. and as for the wedding, it's just me, him, my parents and his in maui. it can be canceled if needed. we're really struggling with that. Also, no worries about trying to have a baby to make it better; i know that's not a solution.
thanks everybody for the advice. it really helps. i want to see the other side of it, besides my own view.
well, I'm glad I can help. I went thru a really tough time with my DH and his kids too. They are adults. His youngest is 19 and still a real stinker but I have had to do a lot of personal digging and work to resolve my issues that I had and continue to have with SD. It's on going, but I have to tell you, DH and I struggled with it and we've now found a peaceful way of dealing and coping with what she throws at us. You will too.
I noticed in another one of your posts that one of your stepkids is autistic? Could that bring you some stress and add to these feelings? You don't have to answer that here. Just consider it. I'd also ask yourself do you feel this way toward the kids, or just her. And then go from there.
When you marry, can you go on his insurance and then can you get individual counseling? Just a thought. Not bad that you go with him and it's good that you are, I just wonder if you might be more successful soul searching on your own because I think this is your struggle. Then you won't be so focussed on it being a couple thing. Don't get me wrong, you do need to work on it as a couple, but I think the core of it is your issue.
I think you'll be okay. You sound like a very level headed, intelligent woman. Admitting the cold hard, sometimes ugly truth is just the beginning of it. Just know that if you keep trying, it will get better and I have a good feeling you'll figure this out and someday wonder why you were being so silly.
Hugs to you. Please post again and let us know how you're doing and if you need some advice. You can also PM me anytime if you want. I know what it's like to really struggle with not so popular Step Mom feelings toward your new family. It's tough. but you'll get thru it.
DH and I got married 2 years after we started dating. I could not wait to be a family with him and SS. We had spent a lot of time together leading up to it and talked and prepared a lot for the changes coming for ALL OF US.
SS was 3 when I first met him and now he's 8.5. I am a SAHM to him and my DD now. I do everything for him and spend the most time with him. I love him like I love my own.
You need to be open and honest with your FI. It doesn;t sound like you're ready for this.
When it came down to figuring out what it was that threatened me the most about BM it was my own insecurities. BM threatened my picture perfect life she poked air pockets in the bubble i'd built around Fi and I. But in reality Fi and I have built up a solid relationship where she is the outsider so to speak, she is there but we are a team/together. You really need to work on building that with your Fi, feeling solid and secure in your relationship.
I hope that helped a little, I just wanted to answer your original question, do other feell the same way you do, yea I did for a long time but it is getting easier and then somedays it sucks. But over all the good days outweight the bad by a long shot.
Phantom, thank you for answering my original question! Your comments really strike a chord with me. MOST of the time FI and I are wonderful together, and believe me, I do NOT hide the way I feel. He knows all that I am telling you all and much more. He has been very supportive of me going thru all of this.
And this is not a constant thing for me. It gets better then, less often now, but still creeps up. I thought it was really going away, and that's why we are getting married, b/c MOST of the time it is great with us. So I totally relate to your comments and am glad to hear it.
And I totally want to feel like we're a team, and she is the outsider, that together we can overcome this and be a team with his kids. Sometimes it is that way, but not 100% b/c I get insecure and don't know why.
Thanks!
I somewhat understand your frustration, BUT. You knew he had kids when you started seeing him. If you knew that was going to bother you, why did you start dating him?
You should see the step kids as a bonus. Not only do you get a DH out of this, but you get a family. Even better than that, you get the cool kid stuff without most of the challenging kid stuff. You get to watch their faces light up on Christmas morning, you get to buy cute kid clothes and play with kid toys. You didn?t have to give birth, you can totally walk away from a stressful situation and let their dad discipline them, etc.
Being a step mom is pretty cool, but it?s also very challenging. Try to focus on the positive parts.
Regarding the scheduling-kick him in the tail. You ARE part of the family and if he wants you to bond with his kids (and this should be VERY important to him) your schedule is just as important as his or BM?s.
there is no magical change when you marry. You will still feel the same. I would think you would have sorted all this out BEFORE planning to marry.
I wouldnt recommend going into a marriage feeling how you do.
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG
Ha! I know that marriage isn't magic (I was with someone for nearly 8 years before and married almost 4 of them).
There are a lot of challenges in this situation; but I'm also not naive enough to think that if I find someone else, there won't be issues. They come with every person and every relationship. One thing that FI and I have is that we are VERY OPEN with each other (especially me!), so he knows my feelings, and he understands the challenges this creates for me.
I think the way to get through it is commitment; I think it's more important than love in a marriage. There will be days where you love your spouse with all your heart and days when you question that love. But it won't survive without commitment. I walked out on the last commitment I made, and I don't want to do that again.
It is a challenge that I am up to!