How could a month go by so fast?

JennyTom

It was a month yesterday since we lost Ella... in some ways it feels like years,  but mostly I'm just bewildered at how fast it went..It all seems so surreal. 

I haven't really put her birth story anywhere.. Maybe if I type it all out it will make it more real?

It was my 20 week appointment.  Tuesday, June 21st.  My dh picked up our son from daycare, so I went to the appointment by myself.  I hadn't been feeling great during the pregnancy.  Two weeks before this I had called my ob/gyn to ask for an appointment because I just felt something was wrong.  We had lost a baby a year ago, so they thought I was just being emotional.  The doctor let me come in, checked me and everything was fine.  She thought maybe I was being too emotional.  I will always wonder if I had just pressed them to check some more if they would have found something, anything.  At my 20 week appointment the first nurse couldn't find a heartbeat.  She was checking for such a long time.  So, she called in another nurse.  The second nurse couldn't find a heartbeat.  That's when the called in the doctor.  She thought maybe the doppler was broken, so they got another one.  She also couldn't find a heartbeat.  By this time I was sobbing and hyperventaliting.  They called over to labor and delivery to get me in for an ultrasound since it was after 6 pm.  I drove home to get my dh.  As soon as I walked in the door and called for him he knew something was terribly wrong.  We had our neighbor watch our son and went to the hospital.  While we were waiting for the ultrasound my dh talked to Ella, telling her she was scaring us and to wake up and stay with us.  As soon as they did the ultrasound I saw that she didn't have a heartbeat.  I started screaming and crying.  There was nothing to be done.  The doctor said she had probably passed in the last week.  They sent us home and said to call in the morning to go over our options.  The next morning we went for a more detailed ultrasound to make sure and see if they could find a reason.  She confirmed that Ella was gone and that there wasn't an obvious reason.  We had to decide what to do.  Luckily, we already had a grief counselor from our previous loss.  We went to see her, and she encouraged us to deliver Ella instead of having a d&e.  We never got to see our other little girl, Alia.  We terminated when we learned she was sick..she had T21 and a heart condition and they told us she wasn't compatable with life.  We decided to induce.  We had to wait until Thursday morning until family was here to take care of our son.  We were admitted Thursday morning.  They started cytotec orally.  Nothing happened.  They were taking it slow because of my csection scar.  By Saturday we were frustrated and sad and scared.  I had been in the hospital bed since I got there on Thursday, with no sign of anything happening.  They started giving me the cytotec vaginally and that's when things started.  By 4 I was having painful contractions.  I was three centimeters dialated.  They gave me stadol to take the edge off the pain, but it didn't help..it made me woozy and gave me panic attacks.  Bless the nurse who sat with me for an hour and a half while it wore off.  They then gave me an epidural.  I started shaking around 6pm very badly, and then started throwing up.  At 7 the doctor checked me and the baby was there.  I started to sit up in shock and I delivered Ella right then.  I started crying and screaming no..  I wasn't ready, even though we had been there for 60 hours at that point.  My dh got scared and asked them to give me something to calm me down.  I didn't want anything, I needed to cry and scream and be upset.  As soon as they handed Ella to me I calmed down and felt so peaceful.  Maybe it was shock, but I hope it was God's grace that let me really be calm and present during our time with her.  We held her for about two hours, my mom was there when she was born, my dh's mom came to the hospital shortly after.  We had the chaplain come and do a blessing, and then had them take her.  We just didn't want her to be manhandled any more than she was.  And that's her birth story.  We had her cremated.  We have her blankets and footprints and pictures... but not her.  Things are better now than a month ago... but I long for her.  They still don't know why..why this happened... hopefully we will have some answers by the end of August..we have a lot of appointments.  But even knowing the answer won't help.  I want her back. 

DereKim

i am so very sorry. this is the saddest story ive read. thinking of you and both of our ella's.

priya&peter

I am so sorry and glad you were able to put her story in writing.  I wish there was something I could say other than I hope you find comfort in the answers that come with your follow up appointments.

Tash13

I'm so sorry for everything that you've had to go through.  I'm glad to hear that you have a good support system and I hope that your pain lessens over time.  I hope you get some more closure as you learn more about what happened.  Good luck.

vkbaby09

I'm so sorry for your losses of both Ella and Alia.  I'm glad that, though it's hard to go through labor when you know you won't be able to bring your baby home, you had the birth experience you did and were able to see her and hold her and take pictures with her.  I am so grateful that I was able to make those memories with Colin and Ian because those are the only memories that I'll have with them.  I hope you feel a little better after typing your story out too.  I know I did.  In fact, I showed the birth story that I wrote for here to my family because it was easier than telling them all the details.  I felt better that they knew what went on during those days we spent in the hospital.

I hope we all can find peace after our losses. 

 

CoronaWithLime

I am so deeply sorry for your profound loss. That was heartbreaking to read. I hope that you continue to take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I hope you find comfort and encouragement here.

3ltlones

You are so right about the time and how it seems to drag on but really goes by so quickly.  It's surreal.  Thank you for sharing your story about Ella, I know that it didn't end with her coming home with you the way that you wanted but I am glad that you were able to hold her and have pictures with her.  I know that it has given me alot of comfort to have Zoe's ashes here in our home, I hope that having Ella's ashes gives you the same comfort.  I'll continue to think of you this month, I hope that these upcoming appts give you some answers and bring you some peace.  Sending hugs.

someflower6

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughters. i'm glad you shared the story with us, though... i hope you have found at least a little peace in this past month. i'm so glad you got to meet your baby and spend time with her. you and your family are in my prayers as you continue to heal and move forward.

momagain2009

I'm sorry for your losses.  You're a very strong person, thank you for sharing your story.

Addicted2thenot

I am so sorry for your loss (((HUGS)))

ssaimee

I am so sorry for both of your losses, my heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us.  You and your family are in my prayers.

smileychic10986

Thank you for sharing your story on here.  I am so sorry for the loss of your daughters.  I will be praying and thinking of you that you will find some peace in the coming months.