Moms of 2 whose 1st is SN: be honest, how hard is it?
C is a HANDFUL these days. I guess its his age, or it may have something to do with the Downs that he needs a little bit more attention ie:therapies (I suspect he's more like a typical child that I realize but I have nothing to compare it to) but I DH and I always talked about having more than one but I am really torn.. C is A LOT of work.. I never thought it would be this hard and I cant imagine doing it with him and a newborn. BUT b/c of the Downs I def want him to have a sibling. I want to know that one more person will be there to take care of him when DH and I are gone.
I am NO where near being ready to have another baby now but I really dont want more than 3 years between kids. It IS getting slightly easier the older he gets but I've yet to get to the point where I can say "yeah I could do this with 2"
Opinions?
ETA: A few more things popped into my head while reading all of your responses...
Here is my other fear. C was a VERY easy baby.. He was STTN at around 8 weeks. He was on a schedule and everything went like clockwork..I am terrified that a new baby will be totally the opposite and I wont know what to do. (My BFF's son had colic and it freaked me out to hear him scream like that!)
PLUS, I nursed AND pumped with C.. It felt like thats all I did! I would be very set on trying to nurse and pump with a new baby too but how the hell would I do that AND give C the attention he needs??!!
Re: Moms of 2 whose 1st is SN: be honest, how hard is it?
I was looking for some answers on this too, which is why I opened this post. I'm currently pg and am wondering these same questions...
At any rate, I really love your DS's picture!! It's so cute!
Evan's 'issues' (so far) are not as serious as some, he hasn't received a diagnosis yet so we aren't doing a lot of therapies or a lot of appointments just yet.
But, I will say, that having an older child who is, on a good day, pretty high needs and intense - and a younger child who is just very very typical in nearly all aspects? Is very difficult. For me, at least, I find myself getting burned out very quickly. It's not easy, and there are days where it feels downright impossible.
BUT - having said that, I would never go back and change having a second child. She's a joy to us, and more importantly she is a joy to her big brother. He adores her, and she looks at him like he's just the coolest thing ever. There is something very special about watching your two children share a bond - they each have a smile and laugh that only the other one can get out of them.
Are there tough days, where I wish I had the time and attention that Evan needs right now? Absolutely. But overall, it's been worth it.
I'm glad you posted this. I've been thinking the same thing too.
We're thinking about getting pregnant in the spring with #2. Marley is not crawling or walking yet (and not anywhere near to). I can't imagine what it would be like to have to carry 2 babies around!
I guess people with twins find some way to manage but taking care of Marley and all her issues is already so much a work! And we don't have any family around.
I can see the advantages of having another DC (playmate) but I am scared that I may be underestimating how difficult it will be when #2 arrives.
I was 8 mos pg when ds was offically diagnosed with asd.. I suspected VERY early but this didn't stop me because 1 we weren't in therapy yet and 2 he was such a sweetie that even though we clearly were delayed I couldn't wait to have another.
My 2nd is very high maintnance , mr trouble maker and get into-er.. he walked at 9.5 mos , says words etc. He also was the best thing in this world I could have done for my sn older son. He forces him to be in our world alll the time becuase if he doesn't watch out ds2 will take his toys or get in his way etc.
I will say that we have been very sensative to ds 1 regarding this but now we're at a point where he isnt' nice to the baby so we are working on this . He just doesn't want him near him..I know he loves him though because I catch him laughing at him or if we pretend to have ds2 tickle him he cracks up.
It's hard for sure. I have to take the baby to my mom on the one day that I simply can't have him in therapy with us because it's a joint group with other kids to work on socialization and it isnt right but otherwise I drag him along and it's a chore but so good for him as I stated above he walks and talks early and I think this is no accident. the kids been in therapy since he was in utero
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I urge my friend to have another she is very scared as her 4 yr old daughter has asd but while I'm not into family planning I really do feel this was a wonderful thing we did for our family. my dh says we are DONE but someday I like to think we will be setteled enough and financially caught back up to have one more.
best
DS#2 is now 13 days old, and it is so far what I expected. Sleep deprived, DS1 is more fussy than normal due to not getting as much attention. When DH goes to work it is hard, and I haven't even gotten to the 'hard' part of it yet when they are both into everything!!! Our second pregnancy was a surprise, so I can't say that I'd chose to have my kids this close with all of DS1's SNs, but this is apparently the way it was meant to be. I do think though, that DS1 is going to progress more with having a sibling. I think he will learn from his brother and his brother will learn from him, so I am feeling very content with my two sons even though it will be hard.
As far as nursing goes, I have had no time to 'make it work' so to speak, so I am pumping about 4 times a day. DS2 is getting both formula and about 12 ounces of breastmilk a day. I just don't have the time to sit and spend 45 minutes to an hour per feed, then right back to feeding again in no time. BF'g should be called "all day/night feeding". I don't have to pump around the clock either, so the half and half formula/breastmilk thing works well for us. I feel like I am doing what is best to keep all of us sane!
DS1 is now pretty mobile with his scooting while indoors, but he still can't walk, so we took two strollers last night when we went out for the first time. That was difficult, so after dinner we went to BRU to look at double strollers (didn't find one we like yet though, so I can't comment on how easy or hard that is).
Anyway, I will say it's doable with two kids -- I mean you do what you have to do!! But, would I have planned it this way, not necessarily.... Good luck with your decision, sorry for the scatterbrained thoughts!!
WELL, I have triplets that are essentially all different ages. Justin is the "normal" one. My girls are both SN. Anna is like a 6 month old who can army crawl and can almost sit unassisted. Ayva is like a 3 month old. She wakes a few times at night, cannot sit or even hold her own head up by herself. I think that all a person needs is time and a schedule. I say time b/c all I really needed was to adjust to things. How to handle a 20 month old boy running around everywhere, and Anna crawling everywhere, and Ayva needing me to hold her all the time. I make it work. There is ALWAYS enough room on my lap ( I squeeze them all in together if I have to). Your heart just finds a way to care for everyone. And my other thing is to have a schedule. I find things are WAY easier when they go by a schedule. That way everyone will eventually know what comes next. It's easier on me and them.
I just think that when you have a SNC, you find ways to work things out. Good luck!
ryan has Down syndrome (which i'm pretty sure you already know) and i'm almost due with #2. between ryan's therapies and other activities i have him in, we're busy mon-fri. i have NO idea what i will do once #2 arrives, but i know that somehow i will make it work. since i don't have anyone to watch #2, i will have to be carting him around with us where ever it is we go. thankfully some of his therapies are still done at home and the others are done in an office that i would be able to bring #2 to with no problem. i do plan on breastfeeding #2 for at least a year (if all goes well),but def. not 17 months like i did with ryan. i've completely childproofed the house so that when i am breastfeeding, ryan can run around all he wants without me being worried he will get hurt or into something he shouldn't.
ryan is def. a handful...more and more every day,but what 2 year old boy isn't? since these guys go to school at 3, you could always try to time it out so that you have the next baby once he is in school. that would give you a HUGE break during the days.
also i can tell you that i was no way ready to get pregnant again when i did, but i knew that i wanted to stick with our plan of having *at least* 3 kids 2 years apart. you also have to remember that a pregnancy is 9 months so you have that much longer to prepare and once the baby starts kicking and moving, you start to get excited and i think it's going to be so much fun for ryan to have a playmate since he LOVES other kids.
BFP 3/9/12 Natural M/C 4/11/12
Well bring on the craziness! I'm expecting it to be pretty wild soon when our next one is born.
My 1st one was very easy going (due to his diagnosis) but we have to do so much other stuff that you won't have to do with a "normal" kid, like drs. appts out the wazoo and therapy all the time, and shots and taking care of his g-tube and so on.
I truly think that in some sick way I'll be a little relieved when the new one cries and needs rocked to sleep and fusses more. Well at least the first day it happens.
I am with you on being scared about nursing and pumping. I exclusively pumped and I am hoping I can nurse/pump with the second one. I just hope its easier than I think it will be, because otherwise it might affect how long I can do it. I am hoping it won't be so bad either!
Nursing and pumping: If you are at home, just skip the pumping. You can sit on the floor and nurse the baby, while you read him books or whatever.
My 2 will be 2.5 years apart. We wanted them to be 3 years or less. I have heard from lots of people that the first 6 months are realllllly hard, but that it gets a lot better after that.
I think you just have to take a leap of faith, and know that it will be tough but it will get better eventually.
I already had a younger child when ds was diagnosed with ASD (ds dx at age 3, dd was almost one at the time). One of our reasons, actually to have a second child so soon after ds, was because ds was such an easy baby. Little did we know at the time, the reason why he was an easy baby. I wouldn't trade my dd for the world, but it is very hard.
I am a working mom and thankfully I have a very flexible job that allows me to come and go and work from home some. The little time I have at home with the kids during the work week, I feel like I am either doing therapy with ds myself because a therapist called in that day ( today is one of those days, which just sucks), so this means literally I don't see my dd but to put her to bed. Or I am up extremely late, after bedtimes, coordinating therapist schedules, updating ds ABA logs and cards, buying and searching for new materials for therapy, paying the endless therapist bills, filling out medical claim forms, writing appeal letters, etc.
I am just plain tired and stressed ALL THE TIME and there is no end in site. And this is our life, pretty much the rest of our lives. I feel guilty because I feel as if I don't give more attention to our dd, who deserves it just as much as ds. I was up half the night worried about ds and the various issues we have with his therapy schedule, my soon to be busy work schedule (busy season is just weeks away).
On a positive note, I am so glad we have dd because she is already helped our ds with sharing, learning compassion, and social interactions. And it is nice to know he will have family when we are dead and gone. DD is a spit fire and as typical as a typical child comes. I sit in amazement of her everyday and all that she has accomplished so young, yet it hurts too, because ds took so much longer to do things than she did.
Good luck with your decision.
Let me just say that if I wasn't already pregnant with #2 by the time we got into the thick of things with #1, our first son would have been an only child.
I definitely love being a mom of 2, but frankly, I don't know when we would have even found the energy to conceive.
This is something that I worry about. When DS2 comes, DS1 will be 13 months old, not crawling, not walking (as of now) He sits very well and plays well, but he is blind so I am VERY involved in playtime with him. My concern is how I will have the energy to play with him, lift him, cuddle him, wihle also trying to breastfeed/take care of a newborn.
My only consolation right now is that for the first 6 weeks or so DS2 will need little intellectual stimulation. My plan is just make sure he is fed/changed/happy and then spend most of my mental/emotional energy on DS1. I have three bouncy chairs and plan to have them at different stations throughout the house so that we can all be in one area together. I'm also REALLY hoping that the three of us can take a nap together most days! That would be amazing. Its going to be hard. I wish you (and myself) luck!