Hello I'm new..

starlightrun

I've been reading the forums throughout my pregnancy and I'm finally at the point where I'm ready to post.

My son was born on July 7th 2009 by emergency c-section. He was born at 37 weeks and 2 days, but he was IUGR. He was born at 4 pounds and 5 ounces and just under 17 inches long.

We've been in the NICU ever since and I've been having a very hard time dealing with it all.

I came across the preemie forum and I know that he's not preemie but he is being treated very similarly to a preemie and faces many of the same struggles.

I'm having such a hard time not blaming myself for all of this, I had a healthy pregnancy didn't smoke, drink, drugs or anything like this and yet he still ended up so small. I can't figure out what my body did wrong that stopped him from growing, what's wrong with me that caused this?

I can't bear leaving him every single night to go home. I was supposed to have a healthy baby and be able to take him home from the hospital a day later after a normal labour. Instead I was induced and when my water broke his heartrate dropped to 60 bpm and I had to deliver by emergency c-section while under general anesthetic. I didn't even get to see him until hours after he was born. It's not fair.

How is everyone else handling or handled their little one in the NICU? And especially, how did you stop blaming yourself for all of this?

I really do not know how to cope with this, I'm supposed to be resting from my c-section and I can't calm myself down long enough to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time.

lstaylor73

First of all, congratulations on your son!

Second, congratulations on making it FULL TERM with an IUGR baby.  That is no small feat and you should be proud of yourself.

Third, anyone who's had a baby spend any time in the NICU belongs here, so while I'm sorry you've found a need for us, welcome welcome welcome.  You will find this board amazingly helpful and supportive.

Fourth, you need to stop and remember that you did not do this to him.  Your body did not fail, it just didn't get the chance to finish doing all the things it needed to.  It is illogical to think that you could control any of what your body did or did not do and so you can't beat yourself up about it because you didn't DO anything, it just happened.  But the emotions are still there because you love him and want everything to be perfect, as all good mothers should.  

My boys were delivered at 28wks 6days because of complications from IUGR for Evan (he was Baby B and weighed only 1lb 7oz at birth).  I still think what did my body do wrong to have Evan be so small. But I know the science behind it and understand what went wrong from a "mechanical" stand point.  But my heart breaks when I see him so small and having so many issues from being a preemie.  And his brother was fine except that Evan's little heart went into distress from reversal of bloodflow and so we had to get them out early. 

You have to take it one day at a time, and trust that he will be alright because you have done, and are doing everything you can to get him home.  While they may be small, I have found that all IUGR babies are feisty and most of the time will beat the odds set against them.  Evan certainly did, and while he's still got a lot of challenges I know he will completely catch up one day.  He beat the odds on surviving, on getting off of oxygen, not having NEC, weight gain, coming home at 3lbs 8oz with really poor muscle tone. 

Just take it one day at a time.

((Hugs))

 

SBMBride406

We should rename this board "NICU Mamas" - you belong here and welcome. Congratulations on your baby boy - he shares a birthday with me!

We all go through feelings of guilt. A year later I can tell you I still have those feelings but they lessen over time...I've committed myself to being the best possible mama to make up for it!

It's hard to recover, to visit the baby in the NICU and to feel everything you feel right now. There's no simple solution but I'm certain a year from now you will look back and say "oh, remember when..." and appreciate how different your life and your baby are.

We're here to help in any way we can!

lemen99

congrats!! ditto the other girls - you are welcome here.  I hope your baby is home soon

starlightrun

Thank you everyone, it means so much to know that I'm not alone and others know how I feel.

RRHsMom

Welcome and I am sorry I was out of town all weekend and could not respond to your post before now as I am always glad to help other moms of older nicu babies.  My son was born at what we thought was 37 weeks (his pedi believes he was misdated and really a 36 weeker).  I too believed I would have a healthy big boy and take him home like your "supposed to."  I was induced for pre-e but still believed being an 8 lber he would have no problems.  He ended up having respiratory distress syndrome and was on the vent in the nicu for 12 days, O2 support for 14 and came home after a total of 17 days (seemed like forever even though it is a short stay compared to most around here) in the nicu.  It was a rough road and we were on house arrest during rsv season when other moms of full termers were out and about but we survived and I have a healthy 14 month old now who is the light of my life!!!  We are all here if you need and please feel free to post here despite your baby being 37 weeks.  I have found so much support and understanding on this board.  

starlightrun

I'm in the same position, due to his tiny size we're going to be under house arrest for at the least the first month to make sure that he doesn't come down with anything.

Just reading this board makes me feel so great seeing all of the support and understanding that all of the moms have. It's such a great forum, I'm so happy I found it. I needed this understanding so horribly.