So sad, I miss my baby so much

southphilly

I know he's in the nicu being taking care of-but I've yet to see his face-it's all covered with tubes and a mask to block the light.  I miss breastfeeding-pumping seems so cold and sterile.  I'm so scared for him and feel so helpless.  No one seems to no what to say to me as "congratulations" seem out of order.  I just had a baby and came home to the same life, as though it never happened.   At what point does this get easier?

mhop

I know exactly how you feel.  I don't know when to say it gets easier, because for me it didn't get "easier" but eventually it just became my new normal and we just dealt with things as they came. 

One thing I'd like to suggest is to tell the nurses that you haven't seen his face.  They have to change his mask and tubes sometime and if you ask, they can arrange for it to be when you're there.  I finally told a nurse how upset I was that I hadn't seen her face and she was shocked and immediately took off her mask and even adjusted her CPAP so I could see her.  It was amazing and I'll never forget that moment.

TriciaJoy

Ah gosh.. this totally made me cry because I felt the same way.

I left the house pregnant and came home not pregnant and w/o a baby. It was like I'd just been pretending to be pregnant.

It's a gradual process to get used to normal. And as screwed up as this sounds, after we spent 96 days in the NICU, it really did start to feel like home to me. And I still miss some of the people. (I don't miss having to drive 40 miles to see my baby, him being so fragile etc etc, of course... but the NICU was also full of "friends.")

And definitely ditto Martha about telling the nurses. If he's not intubated, they can DEFINITELY arrange for you to see his face. I have a picture of the first time I saw Robbie's whole face. And that's one of the snap-shot moments in my mind. Seeing his whole face, hearing him cry, etc.. things that full-term healthy baby mommas take for granted.

 

nasmith882

I agree with the PP about asking to see his face. We asked and the nurse was very happy to comply.  I don't think that anyone can describe how hard the NICU road is but remember we are all here for you and we definatly understand. 

 {{{{hugs}}}

hrhmary

I'm sad for you too.  Coming home without your baby sucks. 

I made the mistake of trying to put on a brave face and act like I was doing better than I actually was...  Make sure that you let your husband, parents, or whoever your support system is right now know how you're feeling.  You might not think that you should have to spell it out for them, but you will be happier in the long run if you let them know exactly what you need and what you expect for them. 

And remember that you can call the NICU any time, 24hours a day.  So if you wake up in the middle of the night to pump or to pee, call and see how your baby is doing.  It might help you to feel more connected.

(((hugs)))  Mary

RRHsMom

I hated that feeling of emptiness.  My DH got really worried for a while bc I would just lay in my hospital bed the first few days and cry holding my belly that I missed feeling him inside of me.  I felt so far away from him.  I agree with the others that it just becomes routine and "normal feeling" to go to the nicu to see your baby but it is not normal in the true sense or what you pictured at all.   Allow yourself to feel sad but then try to focus on positives like any mini milestone your LO reaches.  

I did not see Ryan's face until he was 12 days old and I will never forget it.  The nurses had tried to get good shots of him opening his eyes if I wasn't there but with being on the vent, I never got to really see him until he was extubated.  If he is not on the vent, I am sure they can let you see his face when they are changing everything.  

Like Mary suggested, we called the NICU every night while I was pumping and again first thing in the AM.  If you do not have a pic of him to pump with, ask for that or take one.  It really helped me. I also had a snoogle (blanket thing) that I slept with each night and Ryan had one too and we'd switch back and forth every day so I had his and he had mine.  

It is ok to feel the way you are feeling and we have all been there so I am glad you vented here.   

AviatorJJ

this is the tough part. if you can get through these next few weeks you can get through anything. just put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. you are not helpless, i know it feels that way. i read tons of baycare type books while at my son's bedside when i couldn't hold him.  so i'd be prepared for when he did get home. document this journey, take pictures. ask lots of questions! take care of yourself and know that this too shall pass!

pixie556

It gets better...I know its hard to hear but just keep faith. It hurts so much coming home and not having them there...I can't wait to have my baby home with us. I hope your baby gets stronger and comes home soon!!

vixyash

Agreed with previous posters who said to ask the nurse about showing you his face when they change tubes, masks, etc.

I wasn't able to hold my DD for a week and that was the longest week of my life... I would see other moms holding their children and be on the verge of tears. I asked one of the nurses when I could hold her, and she said that it was doable but I'd need to have a nurse that could spend the entire time watching our skin to skin, since she was hooked up to so many things and not quite stable.

Clearly, she wasn't it.  It made me feel like I was somehow inconveniencing them... even though it was MY CHILD. So, it took me a few days before I got the courage to ask again. New nurse, totally different attitude. She saw me staring at the other moms holding their babies and asked, "Do you want to hold her?" I was so shocked, I was like, "Are you sure?" and she asked if I'd ever held her before, then upon hearing my "no" immediately told me that we'd better do that then! After she got me situated in a chair, she swooped Savannah up with all her wires and laid her on my chest... I squawled my silly eyes out.

It just goes to show you that the nurses are all very different. On that note, make sure that you pay attention to the nurses you really like and who care for your dear son in the manner you like. You can ask them to be primary nurses, so they're more likely to get recurring treatment over him.

*hugs* It doesn't really get easier... just more the norm.

lemen99

I know how you feel. I'm sorry.  For us it got a little easier when he was off the vent...and significantly easier when off CPAP...(you could see his face!) hang in there...!

southphilly

I got to hold him last night!  It was totally unexpected and wonderful-it was a bit scary as he keeps having brachys but so glad I got to do so.  I am relieved that he's finally eating but now worried about nec and all that.  he's just so small.

Million$$Baby

I know exactly how you feel. My babies have been in the NICU for almost 2 weeks and still have at least 12 weeks ahead of them. I want nothing more than to be able to hold them and comfort them and feed them, but they are too small. I hope it gets easier...

southphilly

your babies are so beautiful!  my lo's head is covered most of the time so I haven't really gotten a picture of his face.    we are looking at a long nicu stay too-but it'll be one week tomorrow.