Adoption
Would you be offended?
Pls dont tell me I'm being too sensitive. I'm longtime friends with 3 gals and one of them is my adoption reference. Would you be offended if she mentioned your adoption plans to your other friends? I would think that this news should be kept private and I share with my other friends when I'm ready.
Basically, my friend that I recently email told me that friend #1 already mentioned to her my adoption efforts and that she was a referral and asked me what else is new with me? Well...that WAS my news and a big step, needless to say. I guess if you've never endured IF or adoption, you really can't understand....
Thanks for listening.
After 7 years of marriage and 5 unsuccessful IVFs, we have been granted the gift of adopting a baby boy, born 4/21/11.
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Re: Would you be offended?
Hi Sophia! I'm sorry that one friend went and gave your news to the other girl(s). While it wasn't her news to give, I'm sure she didn't mean it negatively. I bet she was excited for you, and probably just thought you had already told the other friend of your plans. If I were you, I'd mention it to the friend who is your reference....let her know that you haven't told many people and to keep it on the down low.
I'm excited that you are moving forward! Where are you in the process? John and I are trying to decide upon an agency, then *gulp* we'll be starting!
3 IUI's, 2 IVF's , 1 FET , 1 IVF w/ Gestational Carrier, and 1 FET using adopted embryo's = ALL BFNs
We are adopting!
SAIF/PAIF IS ALWAYS WELCOMED TO POST IN MY POSTS!!!
I think I would be more annoyed than offended. I'm not sure why some people want to take away "big announcements" from their friends or family. This is an exciting time and YOU should get to be the one to share it with those you love.
I would probably talk to the friend who revealed your news and let her know that you understand she is excited for you, but that you really want to be the one to share your news.
Sorry she took away your moment with one friend. Get ready to celebrate with your other friends and family though because they will be so excited for you!
I guess it depends on if she knew that you didn't want anyone to know, if she did she was definitely out of place but if not I sincerely doubt she meant to be negative.
What you would "think" is not necessarily common knowledge, talk to your friends and family and let then know how you feel and the level of privacy that would make you more comfortable.
I would be upset.
But I might also think that she assumed you had told people, since you'd already gotten to the point where you asked her to be a reference. She may have casually mentioned it as common knowledge, quickly realized that she told someone who didn't know, and felt the need to tell you what she had done.
Just my 2c.
I wouldn't be offended, but I agree with the others that I would be annoyed. When we told our references and close family we also told them that we were keeping things quiet for a little while and would let them know when it was public knowledge. Perhaps your friend didn't realize that she was one of a select few to know your plans? Or thought you might have used your other friend as a reference as well and wanted to talk about what to write???
Sorry your news didn't get the reaction that it deserves!
Agreed. Unless you told friend #1 that this was something you wanted kept private, then I really think you should give her a break. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't see adoption as the same kind of announcement as a pregnancy. Adoption is a pretty slippery concept for "outsiders" - there's no concrete timeline, there are a lot of steps to take, things can fall through before finally bringing a baby home, etc. Whereas with a pregnancy, you have a due date and the baby's already there growing. The way one friend described it to me, saying you're going to adopt is sort of like saying you're planning to move to another city, or find a different job. Because it's a plan and everything about it is uncertain, people just don't treat it the same as a "simple, straightforward" pregnancy as far as announcements go. I'm not saying it's right, and I'm acutely aware that I'm babbling here, but that's my take on it.
I'm bummed for you that you weren't able to share your news on your terms. I don't think you are oversensitive - if you are hurt that this was shared before you wanted it to be then you have a right to be upset.
However, others may not have known this was private info. Personally, we didn't consider the info private - once we started discussing adoption, it was widely known amongst our family, friends, and colleagues. We were proud and happy with our choice and wanted others' thoughts and ideas on the topic. We also felt this way with our IF story, as well. I know some folks feel it is private and personal, but I had no qualms about sharing our story with others.
Had you laid out some clear guidelines to your friends and family about sharing this info? If you haven't, it's probably not fair to expect them to know your feelings.
Just to add, we have told DH's mom our adoption plans, but have not shared it with the rest of DH's family. We did specifically state to her that we don't want her to share the news yet. But to her credit, she did specifically ask.
If we hadn't made this request, she would have told her entire extended family by now. That's how we're planning on the news to spread anyway.
IMHO, if you want things to stay a secret, you specifically need to tell people that you would appreciate it if they would keep the information between the two of you.
I get your perspective but at the same time, I don't think people are mind readers and you have to tell them what you want.