Visitation with previous foster parents?

Ok the 2 kids that we are adopting moved in almost 3 weeks ago and things are going great!! During the disclosure meetings their SW and therapist both recommended that there be no contact with their first mom for various reasons. We agree, but also would support them contacting her when they are able to process what they will find. And if she ever wanted pictures, letters, etc. from me I would be ok with that.

Anyway, the situation that has arose is with the foster parents. They were with the same foster parents for 2 years, the whole time in care. We want them to continue to have a relationship. During the disclosure meeting it was agreed that they would call once a week. It has slowly progressed into calling every few days and multiple times during that day. Today they called and said they would be in town and wanted to see the kids Thursday. I was so excited for them that I said yes before realizing that she meant all day and our son has a Dr. appointment that day. In the conversation I told her that we would be going out of town and she jumped in and said that she wanted them to stay with her while we are gone, so Thurs- Sun. I explained that we are going so they can meet my extended family and we would love to have the kids travel with us. Then she says well you can pick them up on your way, which would actually be apprx. 2 hours out of the way picking them up and then 2 more getting back on track.?

I spoke with the therapist and she agrees that they should not have overnight visits just yet, they have only been here 3 weeks. She also feels that their visits should consist of them spending time with our family for at least the first 3 months, rather than "taking them away" for the day. She said before the kids moved she sat down with the foster parents and they created a "plan" for contact and this is not what their plan consisted of.??

DH & I feel that they should be treated as a bio family. They loved our kids and had a choice to keep them. ?My heart truly aches for the pain they are experiencing right now. I really wish I could let the kids spend the weekend with them, but I don't feel it is their best interests at this moment. I spoke with their foster mom and DH also spoke with her and they just don't seem to understand. I guess I'm just wondering if I am overstepping here and you would let them go or if you agree that is isn't the right time.?

Re: Visitation with previous foster parents?

  • I just reread my post and I think "being treated like a bio family" could be misinterpreted. What I meant was that they have loved my kids as their own. Our SW told us that since they technically have no rights to the kids, we don't have to allow a relationship. However DH and I disagree. They could have and would have kept the kids if it had not been for their age and to cut off that relationship would not be in the kid's best interest.
  • I don't really have any advice as I think it's so hard giving advice in a situation like this not knowing all the specifics.

    But just wanted to share my experience.  We had our fosterdaughter for over a year before she was reunited with her birthparents (where she is now).  We indicated we wanted to keep in touch and we were willing to drive any distance for a chance to see her.  We loved her like our own.  We did visits right away ...actually even weekend visits.  In the begining it was hard on fosterdaughter.  She never wanted to leave our house.  I also think she was a little confused on which home was her "primary" home.  I believe it was in her best interest to see us, but weekend visits right away may have been too overwhelming.  Fast forward 1 year post-reunification, today.  She has weekend visits now which are confusion on which home is primary and she is in the grove of it and knows she has to go home to her's now her "normal". 

    IMO I'd allow the former foster family to see her....they will have huge relief seeing she's well cared for.  The child will realize they didn't bail on her and they still love her.  BUT I would definitely not allow it to go overboard at this point...meaning any overnight visits.  Baby steps...that's all I'd allow for the benefit of the child.  I would have never suggested my former fosterdaughter come over for several days at a time ...even though we'd absolutely love her here as much as possible.

    Good luck!

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  • by the way, multiple calls in a day would be unacceptable in my opinion.  I actually think even daily is waaaay too much.  I'd allow maybe weekly. 
  • I agree with Wed :) completely. -says the foster parent who is impatiently waiting for "my" babies to come visit me from Mexico.
  • Thanks for your thoughts! What DH and I are comfortable with would be baby steps. Meaning, the first visit (Thursday) they would join our family for the day. The kids would show them what they do and feel the approval from their foster parents. Next would maybe be their foster parents coming to our city and spending the morning with our family and then taking them for the afternoon. Then taking them for a full day and so on. I really feel that they have been with us for nearing 3 weeks and taking them for several days at this point may be too confusing.?

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