We decided that we would be open with them from the very beginning so they would grow up knowing. We have several reasons for doing so, one of which is others know that we used DS. I think that if we wanted to keep it a secret we would have had to literally tell no one. It's hard because now that our babies are here they are very much 'ours' if that makes any sense and I feel a little sad that we even have to think about things like this.
?As to whether it's wrong to keep it a secret I think that it's a personal decision. We're going to tell but I can very much understand the desire not too.??
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We are planning on telling our children from the beginning in age appropriate ways. Through some research and talking to family psychologists, we decided it would be better for us if they know. I don't think it's wrong to keep it a secret...it's up to each family's personal preference.
We are. It just wouldn't feel right to me if we kept it secret. I'm a very honest person and would have a hard time with that. More importantly, I think Cal has the right to know the truth about how he got here. I truly believe the truth sets you free and nothing good can come of dishonesty. I know it's tough; there is some compelling literature on donorsiblingregistry.com that might be helpful for you.
Childhood cancer (DH) + chemo + radiation = 0 sperm.
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
We used donor eggs and will tell our child from the get go. Our take on it is that there is no shame whatsoever in the use of donor eggs, and by not telling, it implies that there is. Our worst fear would be that the child would find out eventually - whether it be at age 8, 16, or 20 - and then feel that we were ashamed of how he or she came to be.
It's such a complicated thing - I feel pretty strongly about our decision to tell, but I can't judge the decision of another family. GL with your little ones!!
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Thanks guys. DH and I may have to have a talk about this again. It's easy for me to be OK with telling them, they are from my eggs. DH is also worried that telling them will just open a door they can never walk through...our donor was anonymous. I'm torn...
Xander, Hayden & Lily 5 1/2 and Jericho 3 My Blog!
ditto all the pp. ?Most of our friends and all of our family know about how we came to be pregnant. ?It wouldn't be right to not only keep it a secret from our son, but to expect everyone else in our lives to also keep our secret. ?I am not ashamed of what we did and I think that if we kept it a secret, it would imply that we are. ?
If you are interested, I have some literature on talking with children who are the result of using donor eggs/sperm that I got from the psychologist we had to meet with earlier on in the process. ?There are four electronic booklets geared towards different ages that address the types of questions that often come up. ?I'll be happy to send them to you. ?kdisney77 at aol dot com.?
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We are planning on telling our children from the beginning in age appropriate ways. Through some research and talking to family psychologists, we decided it would be better for us if they know. I don't think it's wrong to keep it a secret...it's up to each family's personal preference.
Pretty much this exact same thing. I think I would have such a heavy heart keeping such a huge secret from my child like that one.
We're going to use the gift the donor gave us as a way of showing Sadie that there are people out there who care enough to give such a gift to a complete stranger, selflessly. We also plan on "paying the gift of donor sperm" though a special holiday that we created that falls on the day we found out we were going to be parents. I actually wrote a children's book based on the whole idea. Last year I wrote the book as my "pay it forward" and plan to donate copies of it to organizations like Resolve. This year I am going to be a bone marrow donor (I am looking into this) for the holiday.
However, I do not think this is a black and white issue at all. Whatever works best for YOU is what you should do but I don't think it should just be up to your husband. Yes, he is the one who is effected but I really feel your input and feelings are just as valauable as you will both have to live and deal with this every single day, forever. It's a family decision.
We're planning on being very open with our child(ren) about donor sperm...we figure it's better they grow up with knowing and feeling comfortable with it, than find out and think there's something horrible about it and that was the reason for us keeping it a secret.
Re: S/O Donor Sperm...
We decided that we would be open with them from the very beginning so they would grow up knowing. We have several reasons for doing so, one of which is others know that we used DS. I think that if we wanted to keep it a secret we would have had to literally tell no one. It's hard because now that our babies are here they are very much 'ours' if that makes any sense and I feel a little sad that we even have to think about things like this.
?As to whether it's wrong to keep it a secret I think that it's a personal decision. We're going to tell but I can very much understand the desire not too.??
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
We used donor eggs and will tell our child from the get go. Our take on it is that there is no shame whatsoever in the use of donor eggs, and by not telling, it implies that there is. Our worst fear would be that the child would find out eventually - whether it be at age 8, 16, or 20 - and then feel that we were ashamed of how he or she came to be.
It's such a complicated thing - I feel pretty strongly about our decision to tell, but I can't judge the decision of another family. GL with your little ones!!
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
ditto all the pp. ?Most of our friends and all of our family know about how we came to be pregnant. ?It wouldn't be right to not only keep it a secret from our son, but to expect everyone else in our lives to also keep our secret. ?I am not ashamed of what we did and I think that if we kept it a secret, it would imply that we are. ?
If you are interested, I have some literature on talking with children who are the result of using donor eggs/sperm that I got from the psychologist we had to meet with earlier on in the process. ?There are four electronic booklets geared towards different ages that address the types of questions that often come up. ?I'll be happy to send them to you. ?kdisney77 at aol dot com.?
Pretty much this exact same thing. I think I would have such a heavy heart keeping such a huge secret from my child like that one.
We're going to use the gift the donor gave us as a way of showing Sadie that there are people out there who care enough to give such a gift to a complete stranger, selflessly. We also plan on "paying the gift of donor sperm" though a special holiday that we created that falls on the day we found out we were going to be parents. I actually wrote a children's book based on the whole idea. Last year I wrote the book as my "pay it forward" and plan to donate copies of it to organizations like Resolve. This year I am going to be a bone marrow donor (I am looking into this) for the holiday.
However, I do not think this is a black and white issue at all. Whatever works best for YOU is what you should do but I don't think it should just be up to your husband. Yes, he is the one who is effected but I really feel your input and feelings are just as valauable as you will both have to live and deal with this every single day, forever. It's a family decision.