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Multiples
HELP! I have a 15 mo. old & newborn twins
So after almost a week of the twins being here I realize that I definately need help! DH is going back to work soon and I don't know what to do. What do you MoMs with a toddler and twins do? How do you handle it all? Last night I got 45 minutes of sleep. The twins did great feeding together ....its just all the issues AFTER that like diaper changes, one kid crying to just be held and then the next one, etc. I can't sleep when they sleep during the day because my toddler needs attention. Did you hire a nanny for a short period of time to help you out at home? I'm just not sure how to handle this.
My husband and I are discussing me sleeping as soon as he gets home from work and he'll watch the kids and then I'll be the up all night person and take care of everyone during the day. Right now that's the only way I see myself getting any sleep at all. I've called a couple of people about help but honestly.....I really can't afford them. 
Just not sure what to do and I'm losing my sanity. I cry a LOT! It's so sad though....I just want to love and kiss and hold them and I feel like I'm not really getting to enjoy them. I've avoided taking pictures with them as well because I'm never showered and look disgusting. I'm missing this wonderful newborn stage and I hate it.
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Re: HELP! I have a 15 mo. old & newborn twins
I'm so sorry it's so rough on you!
I can say that if my son was not in daycare all day - I don't know how I'd do it alone, that is for sure. DH is still home for another 2 weeks (4w total) and without him, esp while i'm recovering from my c/s, i would go crazy. He's doing a lot of the night feedings- which helps me get a little extra sleep.
Are you nursing? Would pumping and bottle feeding some make it easier on you so your DH can do more at night so you can sleep more?
You just need to ask for help - do you have family/neighbors/church that can help with your toddler more during the day? that way you can sleep when the babies nap?
On weekends we ask my niece to come over and play with Griffin for a couple hours- which gives us a little more time to take care of the twins.... and when Griffin naps- we both take a nap (since the twins are still in that sleepy stage we can almost always fit in at least an hour nap).
other than asking for help- i don't have any other advice. I know it's helped that I'm pumping and DH can do a lot of feedings... If I was nursing only I think i'd go crazy.... not sure if you are or not- but with twins- you gotta do what keeps you sane - and if bottle feeding would help your sanity by all means do it (at least a little). A happy mom = happy babies.
HUGS to you!
My oldest was 17 months when the twins were born. My mom lived with us for six weeks. There is no way I would've been able to do it all.
After my mom left, I stopped breastfeeding because it demanded too much of me. There was only me and three babies that needed me.
I agree with Goldie...check with friends, neighbors, church for people.
I really just went day by day. We had some bad days (maybe a lot of bad days!). Then there is the guilt of not holding the newborns or playing with the toddler. It's a lot to handle but you CAN do it and you WILL do it! Just remember that there are several of us on here that are or were in your exact same position. We are here for you.
And it's okay to cry!
There is a board, called Mom's Corner and we have a multiples spot. Everyone of the MoMs here are like us for the most part... toddler and than multiples. You have to sign up to join but many of the MoMs are new just like you and going through exactly what you are going through (and I will be going through soon). Some of them are just SAHM's w/no help also. Here is the link if you want to talk with them.
One thing I will do is have Harmon attending a pre-school 3 1/2 days a week starting in August and I will have someone in the home as an extra set of hands (a mom's helper I am paying $7 an hour) for the other 2 days in the mornings (right now I have a nanny for 5, 1/2 days but since I will not be having a paid leave I can't afford $20 an hour). I don't want to just send Harmon away but I am very realistic that I DO NEED HELP!
Another thing that will help me is Chris, my DH will handle 1/2 of the night duty. Yes he works, but so am I. I am grateful to have a spouse who understands this is a team effort. With Harmon as soon as he got home I would take a nice long shower and relax for an hour chilling with TV or napping. This just renewed me and will be all the more important now w/3 kids. DH gets that time early in the morning.
Finally, I know I suffered from PPD a little when I had Harmon so this time around I'm just planning on asking for help (last time I didn't). Your post makes me want to cry b/c you sound so down on yourself. Please if you think you are having even a little bit of PPD call your OB right away. This needs to get addressed! Don't suffer in silence, I really regret not seeking help w/my son. I missed out on a lot b/c I was just sad all the time.
Well, I HTH. I know I am not in your shoes yet so of course I'm not the lady w/all the answers... these are just things we are both thinking about.
I am so sorry you have having a hard time. I do not have any other children so I know our situation was different but we also worked in "shifts" where my husband would be on his own from about 10:00 pm until 2:00 am then I would take over.
My MIL came over a few mornings and I slept from 8:00 am until 11:00. It doesn't seem like a lot but those 3 hours in the a.m. were a blessing. I also cried a lot in the begining but I cry less and less now.
I hope you are able to get some help - I wish I could offer you more/better advice.
Honestly, the first 6 months were so overwhelming, I can barely remember that time. I know that isn't exactly what you want to hear right now, but it was among the most challenging times in my life. My DH took a week off, then was back to work. I also had a two year old who didn't nap - at all - so all day I had to be on.
You've gotten some great advice already. I would add a few things. Do you have any friends with kids that would be willing to take your daughter for the day? She could go off and have playdate fun and you can just completely crash any chance you get. I would also try what you mentioned about sleeping when your DH gets home. Anything that will help get you through this first part.
I also determined early on that there was no way I could do it all. Nursing was important to me, so I decided that other things would suffer instead - like housework. We used paper plates, ordered out, and lived from laundry baskets (clean, but wrinkled!)
Now is the time to call in all those people who might have offered help - your neighbors, family, friends, church, etc. Even if someone comes over and supervises and holds babies for two hours, you can get in a nap. Just don't fall into the trap of feeling like you have to clean or entertain people - don't do it! SLEEP. You need it!
Edited: Sorry, called your daughter your son!
I only have experience with twins - no toddler. I can't imagine how hard it is for you!
Like Mrs. Lee, DH and I did shift work for sleeping. I basically went to bed around 7:30 and slept until midnight - DH would have responsibilities for the kids during that time. Sometimes he'd manage to get an hour or two of sleep during that time. Then I'd be on duty from midnight to six am. DH would generally do the 6 am feeding (although I'd get up to pump - I EP'd). I was still very sleep deprived, but at least we were getting some decent chunks of sleep.
You might try hiring a neighborhood teenager as a mother's helper. Mostly to help you out with your toddler - so that way when the twins are sleeping, you can sleep, too.
Best of luck.
Oh yeah, since it is summer you should really see if anyone you know can suggest a teenager to be a mother's helper. I found a girl through my twins club. She is 15 and comes twice a week so I can work. She doesn't do feedings or naps, just plays with them while I work. I pay her $7 an hour.
I know others who have kids they pay anywhere from 75 cents to 10 dollars an hour... (Totally jealous of my friend with the 75 cents deal!)
I have a two year old and twins and I am at home by myself with them all the time with no help other than DH when he gets home from work. For me what helps is planning ahead. I try to keep at least two feedings worth of bottles, I'm EP for now. I feed them either at the same time or one right after the other. Once they eat I we try the swing, boppy, bouncy chair whatever makes them happiest. While they are entertained I try to play with my toddler. Luckily my dd is old enough that she likes to help by getting diapers, pacifiers, etc. This helps me because I can kind of spend time with everyone when she is "helping".
When my toddler naps I tried to nap but now I no longer do that and just try to get chores done. At night DH and I both take care of the girls. We have all the night bottles made up, diapers by the bed, and a bottle warmer so we don't have to leave our room. I wake up when the babies are hungry and we each change one and feed one then they go right back down to sleep. We can usually do this in about 20 minutes time. Then I pump and go to bed.
Can you find a responsible teenager to maybe come over and play with your dd for a few hours during the day? That would be pretty cheap and you could possibly sleep while she was there. Its really hard to try and do it all by yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that this stage will pass and soon they will be sleeping longer and you will have more time for yourself to sleep and to play with your other dc.
I honestly dont really remember those days because I was so sleep deprived. L was 1yr, 10days old when K&K were born. To make it worse they girls were 100% nocturnal. They slept from 9am-10pm and would only half way wake up to nurse. L took 2 2hr naps and that is the only good sleep I got for 3 months. From 10pm-9am the girls were awake other than the many "naps" a newborn takes during the first few months. I remember sleeping in a rocking chair holdig them on my boppy pillow a few nights. I couldnt lay them down or they would cry. If they were awake they wanted me to hold them. I couldnt get them to sit in the swing or anything. So basically from 10p-9am I held them. FINALLY they got their days/nights right.
As for the day time when L was up and about (he had just started walking ahhh) the girls slept and I followed him around making sure he didnt get into anything he shouldnt. When all 3 were awake at one time it was a bit tricky. I actually had to stop nursing several times because L was then starting to climb chairs and things. But I took it one day at a time, kept in mide that it wouldnt be like this forever and tomorrow would be better.
Now that they girls are 3 and L is 4 things are a LOT more crazy then they were when they were all babies.
If you have any family or friends close by I would just ask them if they could come help you a few hours each day/every other day?
I only have twins, and can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. I know how sleep deprived DH and I BOTH felt those first few months. With caring for a toddler as well, you must be running on fumes!!!
I agree that you need to start taking shifts. He would get home at 6 and at that time, we would eat, clean up a bit, catch up from the day and then I would shower, pump, and go right to bed. I was usually asleep at 8 and he would take care of the twins until midnight. I would sleep until they woke up afterwards and by me going to bed then, I was guaranteed a longer chunk of sleep. I would also recommend napping when your toddler naps if that is managable.
Hiring a mother's helper for a few hours a week to occupy your daughter might help too. Hang in there. It DOES get better!!!
This is going to be long!
I have 6 month old twins and a 2 year old dd. She was 20 months old when the boys were born.
I had no help either. My husband had 2 weeks off from work, although he had to work from time to time because he was management.
It was rough - the boys slept all day and were up all night. The boys and me lived downstairs so we didn't wake up my daughter. She needed her rest or she was cranky. I spent many of nights sitting on the floor crying because I was overwhelmed and exhausted. While my DH was home he slept upstairs with our daughter and I would call him down around 6. I would then get about and hour or two of sleep which would have to get me through the day because I had my daughter. I got very few naps. This got harder once my husband went back to work.
Several times I was lucky if I got 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period. I got the shakes one time because I was so tired I had to yell up to my DH to come down and help.
Here is what I did after about a week or 2 since when you first come home your just in trying to make it.
I put the boys on a schedule - yes they were to young - but I did it for my sanity. I woke them to feed every 3 hours during the day. I would wake them up, change their diapers, nurse them and then change their diapers again. If they went back to sleep, they went back to sleep. I looked for their cues on when their bedtime should be. It turned out to be 715. So 715 every night (once we moved back upstairs - which was about 4 weeks out) I took them upstairs, changed their diapers, dressed them for bed and nursed them and in the crib they went. This was there longest sleep and they usually went to 12. From there they nursed every 3 hours and were up for the day around 8. Slowly the feeding time went from 12 to 2 then 3 and so on. When 1 baby woke up at night to nurse I woke the other one up. I changed their diapers after the feeding and back in the crib. I was lucky because most nights from start to finish it took me about 45 mintues to do this.
I do most of the bedtime routine myself as I BF - my husband keeps my DD downstairs. It is rough on me the nights he has to work late - about 1x a week.
At around 13 weeks we noticed that only 1 twin was the one who kept waking up. So I took a chance and just nursed him and didn't wake the other twin up. The other twin STTN. Within a week both were STTN. They typically go down around 8 by the time we are done our routine and sleep time 730 or so. They have done this almost every night since 13 weeks. Granted one or both can and will still wake up - but it is about 2-3x a week.
Now that the sleep - life is better. You can do anything with more then 2 hours of sleep. Granted the boys stink at naps. They are hit or miss - but I don't care. Although I am getting about 7 hours I am still exhausted and overwhelmed but I can get through the day now.
I always and still tandem feed the boys. It is quicker and with a toddler I need quicker. The first week my DH he helped with everything, the second week - he spotted. I did everything but he was there to help if needed.
When I nurse I make sure I have everything I need for my DD. Drink, snack, nuk, book, phone and tv remote. Yes sometimes I just turn the TV on and let her watch TV. You have to do what you have to do.
I don't recall the boys first 2 months of life. It hurts me to say that. I also had a lot of guilt with regards to my DD. I couldn't spend the time I used to with her. But you know what we find it. Case in point we went for a nice long walk tonight after the boys went to sleep.
We got a lot of offers to help prior to the boys being born, but once they came no one showed up. I have to say I was really hurt by that. My own parents have been absent. They have only seen the twins 5x in 6 months. They live 20 minutes away. We really can't afford to pay for help either.
We have good friends who have 2 daughters (13 & 15) who are going to help me out once or twice a week this summer. I told them upfront that there maybe times I can't pay them or pay them what I want. They are OK with that.
Trust me, It does get better. You can do it and you can do it with just you and your husband.
Make sure you get some me time. I didn't and still don't and I resent that. I always seem to have 1 kid with me at all times. I never get a break now and that is what exhausts me.
I try to be super mom and I am not. I wish my husband would help out more but he doesnt.
Don't worry about your house - mine is a mess. I am lucky if I get to clean my bathrooms weekly. My laundry gets washed and dryed but rarely folded are put away. Dinner's are sometimes cooked at lunch time because that is when I had time. IT IS WHAT IT IS at this point.
Sorry this is so long.
You can email me at RinRobyn@hotmail.com. I will be an ear and can offer some support or additional ideas etc...
Good luck
Oh, hon, I'm so sorry! I felt like that with just the twins (round the clock, there wasn't tons of time when they were both sleeping in the first two months!) and can't imagine how I would've handled a toddler as well!
Your sleeping in shifts idea makes a lot of sense to me. DH and I did it where I would sleep 7-1 and then he slept 1-7 (though it varied since his work schedule varies). If you can get at least 5-6 hrs of uninterrupted sleep, that should really help. And if you can afford help, I would definitely take advantage of it!!
I'm going to be in the same boat in about 5 months and I'm scared to death. DH has a few younger cousins around 13 who I hope will be mother's helpers during the day. A few people said they'd help, a few from my church. I said I'm taking all help. Come over when they can and I'd put them to work. One of his cousins has offered to start coming once a week now to clean my house, which I feel horrible about but I desperately need. My daughter is getting to be more of a handful every day. I know we won't have the money to put her back in daycare until I go back to work either.
I like your idea of DH taking the evening shift. You have to get some sleep somewhere.
I have no advice because I am in sinking in the same boat. In fact I couldn't even read more then two replys to your post in a row because I had to tend to babies. I have a 26 month old and the twins just turned 7 weeks. They are so fussy and constantly needing attn, my first baby was just a chill little dude so I am not used to this.
I completely feel the same way, that I am missing the newborn snuggle time because once one is happy and ready to snuggle the other one needs something or my toddler needs to eat, sleep, etc. No one ever tells you that having your second baby is hard because you feel like you are missing that special bonding time you had with your first.
In a perfect world I could spilt up the week, one day for each child and then the seventh day to be with my dh
If it were only that simple!!
Ditto Rinnie's advice. Reading her post is eerily similiar to my story. Like her, I tried to get them on a schedule ASAP. I think that helped to keep me sane because they adjusted well to it. I would say more but Rinnie pretty much summed up what I would have said.
Please feel free to email me to if you need advice, support, or just need to vent! mnj1125@gmail.com
You already have alot of good advice, so here's what I will echo and/or add:
1. My DH took 1 month off when twins were born, which was so necessary, and also now works nights (his job allowed this indefinitely as an accomodation - he is a detective), which is a huge help so that he is home with me to help most days until 2-3 in the afternoon. After that, I have a mother's helper come for dinner/bedtime hours help from 5-8pm. The babies started sttn at 7 weeks, and that really helped. But before that, DD and I would always do all day & nighttime feedings togethr, regardless of what hours he was working. DH just did not (& still doesn't) get much sleep so that he can be a huge help! When he is home during the day, we are 50-50% with kid responsibilities, even though he has to go to work & I am sahm (sometimes I think I still work harder!).
2. You may just have to accept the fact that older DD will sometimes just have to watch TV while you feed/tend to the babies. I hated this & felt guilty, until her vocabulary grew by leaps & bounds by watching these educational cartoons!
3. I had to give up pumping at 2 months & go to formula feeding. I felt pumping was taking away any quality time I could have had with all 3 kids, and I was supplementing with formula anyway due to BM supply - it was the best thing I ever did.
4. Take advantage of any one-on-one time you can have with any kid - like if other 2 are asleep, or if DH can take other 2 to the store, etc. - just drop what you are doing, & take the one-on-one time. So important!
Promise that it does get easier - I thought it got a lot better at 3 months. Hang in there.
i know how you feel! my ds was 18 m when we brought the twins home. the twins are now 18 m. we did hire a my sister 5 days a week 8-3 pm for the 1st year. she is a sahm with twins herself (they are 10 now) so she knew what i was going through. honestly it is the only way i survived the 1st year!! it is a lot of work and even with the extra help the 1st year is a blur! even if you could look at church or something and have a lady come even every other day. i don't know if you have family close by but we really depended on our family to help.
it is hard , i still have guilt because with my older son i would hold him all day and play but with the twins i just don't have the time as much as i would like.
you could also look into a mom of multiples group in your area they are great for advise and such.
and i have to say now that the twins are 18m and my older son is 3, life is so much easier!! everybody ask me how i do it, but i think if i couold survive the 1st year i can handle anything!! they sleep good and eat great!! there is a light at the end of tunnel!! hang in there!!.