Increasing resentment towards DH
I have a wonderful, loving, beautiful almost 2.5 yr old DD who is also the most strong willed child you can imagine...needless to say she does not listen worth a dime more than half the time and we have multiple power struggles daily...tonight I made it through reading her 2 bedtime books to her with patience (she talks about the pictures instead of listening to me read and tries to turn the pages real quick on me) but then kept trying to turn over while I change her diaper and I leaned down to tell her not to do it please and she poked me in the eye. This is just constant and I don't have enough patience to get through the day lately - plus my 8 mo DS is getting first tooth this week and is crying up a storm whenever I leave his sight so there is a lot on my shoulders right now.
I knew before I met DH that I wanted to stay at home with my kids when they were young and my DH was glad to hear it since he was going into a profession where we knew we would afford it just fine. Well when I tell him how I feel at night (depressed that I lose my patience with my DD and overwhelmed I cannot keep up with housework or cook dinner half the time) he says "you need to hire someone to help you" and I feel like it's not a supportive response! At night he insists on watching tv from after dinner until he goes to bed and it is so annoying because I am tired by then and have to ask him to do every little thing for one of the kids and I know a lot of Dads don't help much and I should be glad he does, but because he's at work all day (he works at a computer all day) he "deserves to relax and tv relaxes him" well I work all day also and never get a night to sit and watch tv all night! I feel like he doesn't respect what I do - taking care of our 2 kids and taking them to do things and playing with and entertaining them all day is my job, in addition to keeping up the house, and I just feel his response of "we need to hire someone" means he does not appreciate what I do and does not care that this is my "job" and current focus in my life and I want to succeed. I doubt he'd like it if he was told by his boss he is not getting enough studies read each day and so they'll have to hire someone else to help him get it done-he just doesn't get how he makes me feel.
Re: Increasing resentment towards DH
Honestly, I would be overjoyed if my DH suggested hiring someone to help me out. I could at least use a cleaning service! LOL....But at the same time, I understand how you feel. Most DHs are clueless about how much work goes into being a SAHM. Also, your kids are at difficult ages. My kids are also 2 years apart, and when they were the ages of yours, we went through a really rough time. They don't call it the "terrible 2s" for nothing! Thankfully, life got much easier as they got a little older.
The only thing that helped my DH appreciate all I do was to have him watch both kids on his own occasionally. Has your DH done that yet? Ask him to watch them for a few hours while you go shopping or get your hair cut. If he's anything like my DH, he'll be counting the minutes until you're back home. Then you can casually remind him, "This is what I do all day long, every day!"
DD, 1/7/05 * DS #1, 1/25/07 * DS #2, 11/11/09
Baby #4, EDD 11/11/12
m/c 7/30/08 at 12 weeks (blighted ovum, emergency D&C)
I'm sorry that you and your DH are not on the same page with this issue. I don't really have any answers, just thought maybe I could give other suggestions. Have you thought about enrolling your DD in a Mother's Day Out program at a local church? She could go a couple of mornings a week and that would give you time to play with your DS and get some cleaning done without having to worry about entertaining her as well. It might help with her behavior as well (for lack of a better way to phrase this). These programs will be able to help give you ideas about structure and different consequences that could help you... it would also give her a chance to get out and play with other kids her age which could help with her behavior if it is stemming from boredom. (Not saying it is... just throwing ideas at you).
Also, I understand where you are coming from when you say you don't think your DH is being supportive when he tells you to hire someone. I do think you could consider getting a cleaning lady without feeling as though it means you can't "do your job." Asking for help is not necessarily admitting defeat. If getting a cleaning lady makes your life a little less stressful it will have a big impact on your attitude (by making you feel better, less stressed) and will increase your patience with your daughter (because you won't be quite as stressed out). This could also help you feel better because you won't be worried about losing patience with your DD. I do want to point out though that your DH saying to hire someone does mean he cares and understands you are getting stressed out. If he didn't care then he would simply ignore you or tell you to deal with it. I'm not saying it's the right compromise for the two of you, but I do feel like he is at least showing some sympathy for you by offering to hire someone.
Last, but most importantly, have you talked with your DH about how it makes you feel when he comes home and sits in front of the TV all night? If not, I suggest your first step be to sit down with your DH (and not when you are irritated with him... maybe in the morning or on the weekend when you emotions are not running high). Explain everything to him just how you explained it to us, tell him you are beginning to resent him because you have to ask him to do every little thing to help out. Tell him you need a break too and find something you can do by yourself. Take a class, join a gym, meet the girls for coffee or dinner... just do something for yourself and let it be known that the kids will not be coming with you.
Sorry I have no answers... I hope you and your DH can figure something out that makes you both happy. Good luck
Just for your own sanity- i would only pass along this suggestion. Be realistic about what your DD can do. some kids just dont have the attention span to 'read a book' i think its great that she tells you about the pictures- you should be really proud of that. because that takes a lot of thinking and comprehension. let her tell you- her 'own' story about the book. that might make reading time a little less stressful.
for me (and i used to nanny three kids) i just kinda learned to roll with the punches and minimize the battles. i let them think they were winning by diverting attention away from the behavior that was stressing me out. Or i would give them a 'job' to do while i got the chore (that was giving difficulty). My one toddler HATED diaper changes- so i gave her the chore of brushing her hair during every diaper change. she loved that- and would sit still long enough to change her. Diffusing the difficult behavior takes some thinking outside of the box sometimes. which is difficult because you are stressed.
as for your DH- I would take gladly accept the 'help' by hiring someone to come in and do the deep cleaning twice a month. heck, its one less thing for you to stress over. And i would let him think it was all his idea and praise him on that. AND stress he needs to have a special job with the kids- so you can grab a breather too.
ya can't win all battles. so if it REALLY bothers you that he thinks you need help-- call him out on it and have a discussion. however (and this might sound really wrong)-- DH's can be like toddlers- you usually 'win' by diffusing and distracting away from the difficult behavior.
I'm a rookie SAHM, but I thought I'd give you my 2 cents anyway.
I think if his job lasts X hours in a day, yours should, too. Your job shouldn't be taking care of the kids and house 24/7...no one works 150 hours a week!! I say that when he gets home, you two go into parter mode. One of you should take the cooking/dinner prep duty and the other should take kid duty. It's not fair for you to work all day, everyday, with no rest time for yourself. It's not realistic!! Talk to him, he's your husband. Tell him everything you've told us. Try a role reversal scenario to him, this always puts things into perspective to my hubby.
Hope this helps! Good luck
-Brooke
When your DH says that he works all day and deserves to relax, have you asked him when YOU get to relax? Or what he thinks you do all day? My DH works a LOT, but he'd never think to claim that he deserves to relax more than me. When he is home, he helps with dinner, bathes the kids, and plays with them. In our home, raising our kids is a two-parent job. I may not get to relax when he is with the kids, but I can catch up on some stuff, so that is helpful.
Does your DH ever spend time with your kids while you take some time off? Everyone once in a while DH takes DS for the day to do "guy stuff" (we run our own business) so he knows how much work he can be. Occassionally I'll have something that leaves him home with the kids while I go out....he knows they're a lot of work sometimes, lol.
With hiring someone, if you are comfortable doing that, go for it. I couldn't for a few reasons: 1) it's my home. Having someone else clean it would be weird. 2)Along with a preteen child, there are two able bodied adults in this house, maintaining it shouldn't require outside help. I may be home all day, but I'm not the maid.
With your DD, some pps gave some great advice. Sometimes you just have to roll with it. My youngest loves to look at books and always skips to the end, maybe she's a speed reader
DS and DD#2 were about the same ages together as yours are (when DS was 2 1/2). It IS tough. The younger requires so much attention and the older one is vying for it as well. You feel like there should be two of you to make everyone happy!
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
I totally agree with the pp's about the book thing. As long as no one is danger of getting hurt and nothing's going to get broken, I ask myself "Is this a hill I want to die on? Does it really matter?" Usually the answer is no. So either I read what's on the page she turned to or I just let her read the book to me. Sometimes she reads me 1-2 books and then hands them to me and tells me it's my turn to read them and then she actually listens.
I also think you've gotten some great suggestions - point out to DH that your work day ends when he gets home. After that there should be no "working parent vs stay at home parent" - it's just 2 parents who need to work together. If nothing else will work, maybe put it in terms of spending more time with his kids rather than reducing your stress. And there's still plenty of time for TV after the kids are in bed.
Spending a full day with the kids alone would likely be eye-opening for him. I loved Stacy's challenge to her DH and it turned out great:
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/17742571.aspx
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/17840690.aspx
And don't feel bad about taking him up on his suggestion of getting help. Whether that's a cleaner, a weekly babysitter, or MDO program, why not take advantage of that?
Seriously get help! Try to have someone come help you, maybe a mother's helper. They can come a few hours a week and you can get some things done. If you would rather hire someone to clean then go that route. You can play outside with the kids while they are cleaning. You have 2 kids, help isn't a bad thing.
I struggle with DH coming home some days too. We have a mini rule, DH can have no more then 30 minutes to decompress when he gets home, after that he plays with DS. Usually he talks 15 minutes to change and check his personal email. Then at 8 DS goes to bed and he does the dishes if I cook, which is 99% of the time. We clean up the living room and then hang out together or apart depending on the day.
Some days I wish he'd do more or get something done that has been on his to do list for weeks. Try and remind yourself of everything he has done that, then you may be able to avoid the anger and resentment towards him. I find that many times DH has done more then I give him credit for.
We also alternate workout days, DH gets M/W for soccer practice and T/TH I go to the gym and he comes home a little early. It really helps to have our own time to focus on ourselves. DH also watches DS anytime I want to get out with friends on the weekend. Maybe you could work out soemthing similiar we you get your own time to focus on a hobby or read in peace w/o feeling guilty.
Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12