2nd Trimester

WWYD?

If money was tight and you found DHs hoard of a substantial amount of money that he didn't tell you about when you were telling him that "we're broke"?

Re: WWYD?

  • I would be pissed.  That would be a major violation of trust to me.  Regardless of his reasons for stashing money without telling, the fact that he hid it would cause some major issues.  He would have to work to earn back my trust.
  • Depending on how I found it, I'd confront him.

    Is it cash or like an online account thing?
    If it's an online account, I'd just print up a piece of paper and stick a note to it saying ask DH about this... and leave it somewhere he can find it.

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  • I would demand an explanation.  I honestly don't know what I would do after that.
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  • I'd be hurt that he kept a large amount of money a secret from me.  Have you spoken to him about it yet?

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  • Whoa...that sounds like the start of a good argument in my house. It's great that he's a saver and all and that you aren't as broke as previously thought (so, whew!!) but why stress when you don't have to?
  • I would like to say that I would be pissed- but I have a secret stash (about 2K) that I have been building through leftover cash for a few years.  Likely I will buy him something great with it or bail us out when the roof collapses- maybe find out why he has it...you could be getting something special and he was saving for it!!!
  • DH may have had a different definition of that money. Yes you should have known about it but if that money is there not to be touched (ie long term investment, security blanket, safety net) then understand that DH needs that there to feel like everything is going to be ok.

    On the other hand, if he is dipping in to it and using it when HE needs it but not when the FAMILY needs it then kick him in the balls. 

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  • My DH is a recovering addict, so my reaction may not be appropriate for your situation, I'd assume it was ill intended pack his things and ask him to explain and back up his story or he's gone.
  • Oh no he did-n't! [insert snap]

    I would be PISSED to the max.

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  • I would have a calm conversation with him (well, it would at least start off calmly) and ask him what the money is for, how long he has had it, and when he was going to share the information with me.

    Depending on his answers to those questions I would act accordingly.

  • imageFLVintageBride:
    I would be pissed.  That would be a major violation of trust to me.  Regardless of his reasons for stashing money without telling, the fact that he hid it would cause some major issues.  He would have to work to earn back my trust.

    This.

  • I've already talked to him about it. He sees nothing wrong with adding to it periodically without me ever knowing it exists or how much he adds. It's cash, not an account. The amount of cash isn't important to me - it's the fact that I had to find out about it the way that I did - and I've been speaking to him lately about our finances because I though we were up shiit creek.

    What also bothers me is that I found it in his effing car. Yes, his car. Could have been stolen, lost, whatever, but I suppose I would have never known about it. That doesn't make me feel any better.

    Trust issues, yes, big time. I already have trust issues with him from previous issues that I won't mention.

    But honestly what pisses me off the most is that every fcuking time I need to spend money on ANYTHING it's a big deal to him and he debates whether or not I actually need said item. I have NEVER denied him anything and told him I have issues with his debating my money spending on multiple occasions! If he needs something I tell him to go get it.

    I need to stop writing about this because it's really just making me more aggravated and he's now pissed at me because I made a deal of it. ARGH!

  • imagejrnewhook:

    I've already talked to him about it. He sees nothing wrong with adding to it periodically without me ever knowing it exists or how much he adds. It's cash, not an account. The amount of cash isn't important to me - it's the fact that I had to find out about it the way that I did - and I've been speaking to him lately about our finances because I though we were up shiit creek.

    What also bothers me is that I found it in his effing car. Yes, his car. Could have been stolen, lost, whatever, but I suppose I would have never known about it. That doesn't make me feel any better.

    Trust issues, yes, big time. I already have trust issues with him from previous issues that I won't mention.

    But honestly what pisses me off the most is that every fcuking time I need to spend money on ANYTHING it's a big deal to him and he debates whether or not I actually need said item. I have NEVER denied him anything and told him I have issues with his debating my money spending on multiple occasions! If he needs something I tell him to go get it.

    I need to stop writing about this because it's really just making me more aggravated and he's now pissed at me because I made a deal of it. ARGH!

    Oooooh, I'd be pissed to. It may be old fashioned of me to think this, but marriage makes things mutual including money, unless otherwise discussed and agreed upon before hand.

    I'm sorry for this situation you are in!!

  • imageDiscusCoach:

    DH may have had a different definition of that money. Yes you should have known about it but if that money is there not to be touched (ie long term investment, security blanket, safety net) then understand that DH needs that there to feel like everything is going to be ok.

    On the other hand, if he is dipping in to it and using it when HE needs it but not when the FAMILY needs it then kick him in the balls. 

    This.  Great response DC!

  • Just how much are we talkin' 'bout?  Could be that he is saving up for some special surprise??  Maybe a "babymoon"?!?  Maybe he is just more generous then you thought!  Maybe I'm just an optimist, but I would hope for the best case sinerio.  I would probably confront him like this..."Hey honey, what would you do if you found out that I had a substantial amount of money hidden away from you?"  That ought to get the conversation going...
  • imagejrnewhook:

    I've already talked to him about it. He sees nothing wrong with adding to it periodically without me ever knowing it exists or how much he adds. It's cash, not an account. The amount of cash isn't important to me - it's the fact that I had to find out about it the way that I did - and I've been speaking to him lately about our finances because I though we were up shiit creek.

    What also bothers me is that I found it in his effing car. Yes, his car. Could have been stolen, lost, whatever, but I suppose I would have never known about it. That doesn't make me feel any better.

    Trust issues, yes, big time. I already have trust issues with him from previous issues that I won't mention.

    But honestly what pisses me off the most is that every fcuking time I need to spend money on ANYTHING it's a big deal to him and he debates whether or not I actually need said item. I have NEVER denied him anything and told him I have issues with his debating my money spending on multiple occasions! If he needs something I tell him to go get it.

    I need to stop writing about this because it's really just making me more aggravated and he's now pissed at me because I made a deal of it. ARGH!

    Oh, I guess I should have read all the posts before adding mine...I guess I was just an optimist...sorry!  Hope you can work this out!

  • I think a little here or there, no big deal.  Dh and I both have separate accounts we occasionally add money too.  I have maybe $700 in mine and no idea how much he's got in his.  We consider it personal rainy day money.  We can save up there for something we individually want, otherwise, it's there if we desperately need it.

    But if he's skimming or not contributing everything and doesn't see how that is dishonest, it's a problem.  If you are having monetary troubles and he doesn't see how not handing over cash to ease the situation is bad, that's a problem.

    I'm not sure how you address it if he's not listening, but . . . I'd be pretty angry.


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  • imageDiscusCoach:

    DH may have had a different definition of that money. Yes you should have known about it but if that money is there not to be touched (ie long term investment, security blanket, safety net) then understand that DH needs that there to feel like everything is going to be ok.

    On the other hand, if he is dipping in to it and using it when HE needs it but not when the FAMILY needs it then kick him in the balls. 

    agreed. Although I would be hurt he didn't discuss it with me or inform me, if it was for our family on a rainy day I would be happy he is thinking and worrying about it regardless if he told me or not. If it was for him and only him to spend behind my back I would be pissed and feel betrayed.  

    My DH works in finance and although he always talks to me about what he is doing and where our investments are I get confused, bored, and a little lost in all his explanations. We have all kinds of accounts and some I know about and others I forget/don't worry about and just let him handle everything. I have 100% trust that he is making the right decisions with our money.

    Although now that I think of it I would be REALLY pissed if I knew the "stash" was in his car! 

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  • ZAngelZAngel member
    I know someone who does this but only because his wife is a horrible spender and if she ever found out that he had "extra" cash lying around, she would find some type of "NEED" for it.  She doesn't realize that she has a problem but she became a real financial burden on the family because she couldn't control how much she was buying.  Although she was buying for the house, kids, and herself... she didn't know when enough was enough.  If this describes you, then I would say that I understand why he is doing what he does.  If not, I think it is odd that he feels the need to hide anything from you.
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  • considering how well i know my husband, it wouln't be a pile of cash for himself. It would be money towards a secret awesome wedding anniv gift/birthday (thats the only time's we exchange gifts) or towards to the baby. I trust my husband 100% and would in no way be upset or angry with him, (trust me there are times when we have needed the money at time's. But if we were making it just fine (as we usually do) we always have some sort of saving to get us through the hard time's.

     Please keep in mind that We both work 5months a year and are not employed the other seven. This is our first child we are expecting, moving into a new place only three weeks before i am due and have some debt at the moment. However Skagway seems to provide, we take the alaskan spirit and love from the community.

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