How do I tell my MIL... (updated)

FeistyFille

... to back off without completely alienating & hurting her feelings?  She is already driving me crazy & she's going to be here until mid-August!!!!

Every time the babies make the slightest whimper or sound at all, she's jumping up to check on and fuss over them.  I know she's just trying to help, but this is just too much.  It's really starting to suck my joy...  I'm getting pissed and grumpy, and I really, really want to enjoy every minute with my babies.  They're MY babies.  I want to take care of them.  I do not want her to get all frantic and panicky every time the babies move.   I do not want her using any and every possible excuse to pick them up.  They seem to be more fussy these last couple of days and I'm wondering if they can sense my frustration.  I really don't want this...

brideonjuly8

OMG I just have to say that I'm sorry.  Mid-August?!  Holy night.  Bless you.  You're much better than I am and I LOVE my MIL.

Why don't try making it a "me" thing and not a "you" thing- ex- "Why don't we not do this...and do this...because..."  or "I'm picking them up too much and I really think I should leave them alone.  what do you think since you've done this before?"  That way it seems like you're asking for advice.

I hope it goes over well!   

amyinaustin

Ugh. I'm sorry, this is a stressful situation.  I like Bride's idea - or what about something like this - phrasing it in a way that SHe can help YOU and  DH...like:

"  Dh and I so appreciate your help with the babies.  We know that ultimately we're going to have to do this on our own - or even on MY own- and I think it would help us/me adjust to that reality if we tried a few things while you were still here to help us.  When the babies stir, let's try to give them a few minutes to see if they attempt to self-sooth or if they're really going to need our help.  Since so much of having newborn twins depends on setting up parameters/schedules early on - I think this will help us transition to doing it on our own in the future since it will be only one person tending to them in a short while.  "

 

GL, I know how this can be upsetting, even w/o PP hormones.  I specifically remember being in the hospital telling my mom "I can't wait to go home so that I can hold MY baby." b/c I felt like everyone was just coming in and wisking her away all the time.  

mcgee

What does your DH say? It may be best if he can address this with MIL, since she's less likely to view him as "threatening". But honestly, if he is not willing to step in and say something, you need to. Trust me. I kept my mouth shut when my ILs visited, and it just ate at me and drove me insane. I still regret that.

I'd say something along the lines of, "We are so glad you could come out here and help with the babies, but we both really feel - and our doctor/this childcare expert/some random author about childrearing, etc - agrees with us - that it's important both for us to get into a routine with the boys that we can manage on our own after you're gone and for them to learn how to self-soothe. So to make that happen, please refrain from picking them up the moment you hear them fuss. I know it's hard, but it will be so much harder on the babies if they begin to expect to be picked up the moment they fuss, and you're gone and DH is at work, and I'm all alone and physically unable to do that. "

The bottom line is that you are happy she's there and that she's helping, but YOU and DH are the parents, and YOU get to make the rules. She will have to deal with that. It will be much easier in the long run if you set boundaries NOW. 

Emer

I would definitely go with the, "help us learn how to do this on our own" approach.  That way, she still feels helpful, but it is more what you need and won't drive you nuts.  You do need to assert your role as their mom, but hopefully DH can set the groundwork for you.

Cristina<3 Whit

MrsRosie:

My first reaction is to say your DH needs to be the one to address her.

ETA: Also meant to say you are a saint for having her there until August.

Ditto!!!

Best of luck FF!

AustinAggie

I really like what pp's said.  Great suggestions.  Also though, she may be nervous about how much help you guys need/want and maybe she thinks that you'll think she isn't a good Grandma/ you won't trust her with your kids alone if you and DH want to go out/take a trip, if she doesn't respond to every little thing.  Since you guys are new parents, she may not know what kind of parenting style you'll want.  Some people are "first responders" and others are much more laid back about everything and of course, there are a billion different versions between the two extremes.  She might welcome the "you don't have to jump up every time" boundary.  Good luck!

Abrooks

Hopefully she backs off soon as she gets used to being here and gets into more of a routine.  I would casually suggest she back off.  Something like "he is resting and I want to let him lay by himself for a bit" or little things like that.  If she doesn't calm down a bit, I'd definitely get DH to address. 

I cannot imagine anyone in my home that long.  Bless you!  And - we're not far away if you need to bring the boys over for a bit of a break. 

smb29

I think the advice above of telling her you need to get in a routine you can handle on your own is good.  If you ask her for her advice, she might tell you that you need to pick them up every time they cry, and then what do you do!  You have to set your boundaries early.  I see my MIL over rule my SIL all the time with her daughter (she is 5) and if she tries that with me, there are going to be words!  And yes, you are a saint!  

FeistyFille

Thanks for all the constructive advice, ladies.  Of course, I hadn't read any of it yesterday when I kinda snapped at her.  I had been making little comments all day, like "They're fine", "They're just settling", "Just let them get comfy".  None of it was penetrating.  I actually started to cry at one point because I was getting so mad.

As we got later in the day, the babies started ever-so-slightly fussing while I was sitting right in front of them.  She started to jump up, and I just stuck out my hand, gave her an ugly look and harshly said "Ewa, please!  Please!  They're fine."  She finally got the message, but then proceeded to pout all night and more this morning when she made a snotty comment to DH about being "only the mother-in-law".  Ugh.  We had more words this morning, and I told her the constant jumping was making me anxious.  

Anyway, she was very apologetic & we've had a much better day today.  Thank God...  I was ready to send her packing this morning when DH told me about her STILL pouting this morning.  But the situation has been difused.  For now.

Also, FYI, she reacts much more childishly and volatile-ly if DH tries to say something to her.  I think that's just their dynamic so it's a bit more productive for me to say something.

Ugh.  Why does it have to be so difficult?!?