DH's family (small vent)

vspek

I know it will sound really bad, but I feel like FIL is getting in on my moment. We are having out big u/s tomorrow and DH was very excited about it, until FIL scheduled his cancer screening appointment for the same day. Now DH is freaking out because his dad has been complaining a lot lately about him not feeling so great.

I feel his pain, but I really want it to be about me and the LO for a little bit. Is it so wrong? BIL is here visiting, so I asked DH if he can spend a bit less time with him parents (less time being every other day instead of every day) and spend some time with me for the next 2 weeks when we have this big u/s, then it's our wedding anneversary next week and then it's my parents wedding anneversary and we are going to visit out friends for their housewarming. I just really want DH to be with me and not with his parents.

We were there way more then BIL was when FIL was diagnosed last year and SIL was pregnant with their third. But now it's my turn and it's our first. Is it so wrong of me to ask for more attention now that BIL can help?

voelkels

That is a bummer of a hard situation.  I so not blame you for feeling dumped!

Just let him know how you feel, and hope he catches on!  Stay positive, and look forward to seeing your little one!

ivs112

Put yourself in his place. How would you feel if it was your dad going through this ordeal? Wouldn't you want to be there for him?

jenna0627

ivs112:

Put yourself in his place. How would you feel if it was your dad going through this ordeal? Wouldn't you want to be there for him?

I have to agree. If either my parents or DH's parents were having cancer tests it would be priority uno.

Katalen72

Are you kidding me? Hmmm....sorry, it does sound really bad.  Your FIL might have cancer (which I would think is a big, scary deal). Its not like he is getting a puppy.

Gees, get a hold of yourself.

vspek

I've been trying to put myself in his shoes and I know that it's really hard for him, that's why I have not been saying anything that first we had to postpone TTC, then we had to spent almost all of our weekends taking him to and from the hospital, having calls from his crazy mother at 6 am on a weekend, asking us to move him from one hospital to the next even though he was not ready yet and we were not planning on doing it until 10 am. Having DH there all the time and his mom yelling at him like crazy. All that we had to do and BIL did nothing. He was just in OH sitting with his family and carrying for his pregnant wife.

Am I really asking too much from DH when I ask him to visit his parents every other day when BIL is here and can help? Is it really too much to want to have one day that is special just for me? (I am refering to our big u/s)

mrsstocking

ivs112:

Put yourself in his place. How would you feel if it was your dad going through this ordeal? Wouldn't you want to be there for him?

I think this is a good point.  While I see your point a little bit, I think in this case your DH needs some slack.  To put it point blank, his dad could be dying, soon, and that is probably a really scary reality for your DH.  I think you expressing your feelings to him would be justifiable, but understand that he is probably pretty scared right now. Maybe setting dates with him, so that there is commitment to be with you and support you through each of those events you listed would help?!

vspek

This whole things has been going on for a year! I've been more then supportive, taking time off work to go with his parents to some of the appointments, dealing with billing people, picking them up from the hospital. Dealing with side effects of his dad getting steroids, it's been an adventure to say the least!

All I am asking from DH is when his brother is here to see his parents every other day, instead of every single day. Is that too much? His dad was healthy enough to fly to OH last week to look at his new grandson, but after they came back they are trying to steal a moment from my LO (forget about me) Could not then had an appointment a day earlier or later? They knew about out big u/s for a month now!

jenna0627

vspek:

This whole things has been going on for a year! I've been more then supportive, taking time off work to go with his parents to some of the appointments, dealing with billing people, picking them up from the hospital. Dealing with side effects of his dad getting steroids, it's been an adventure to say the least!

All I am asking from DH is when his brother is here to see his parents every other day, instead of every single day. Is that too much? His dad was healthy enough to fly to OH last week to look at his new grandson, but after they came back they are trying to steal a moment from my LO (forget about me) Could not then had an appointment a day earlier or later? They knew about out big u/s for a month now!

I don't think they were trying to steal a moment from you or your LO. When they were making the appt I highly doubt their first thought was, no wait another week our DIL has an ultrasound that day. It's cancer, you are lucky to get appts when you do and it's not something that you schedule around other peoples schedules.

tnd1218

I understand where youre coming from and youre upset that this is being taken away from you but maybe they didnt choose that day. I know i dont choose my appts they give me the date i need to come back and i go around that. and with cancer im sure the test needs to be done ASAP as it can spread easily maybe that was the first date available. Im sure your husband is frightened that if his dad does have cancer he wants to be with him as much as possible in case something DOES happen. My parents are going through a similar situation my moms had several surgeries and my grandfather is VERY ILL my dad is torn in between although my moms surgeries were not minor my grandfathers health is fading FAST so Im there for my mom and my dad is there for his dad. My husband was very understanding when i was with my mother DAILY, i would be the same for him. I think as long as your husband and you share the big ultrasound together, you shouldnt let it bother you that FIL is having his test, enjoy the moment of seeing your LO and avoid the subject of FIL till after your moment.

k.linn

I think it's reasonable to expect DH to attend the u/s with you, and to celebrate your anniversary, but why this whole "2 weeks focus on me" business? I understand you'd like some attention, but I would think this puts your dh in a really uncomfortable position, one that ultimately could put stress on your relationship. As pp's have said, if he's feeling fearful for his dad, let him be with his dad. I'm sure if anything did happen, he'd feel a lot more at peace knowing he spent that time with him instead of resentful that he stuck to your visiting schedule and was forced to choose so to speak between his wife and unborn child and parents. I just don't see why this has to be an either/or situation.

jen5-03

It's just an u/s, not your wedding day. Stop stressing over it.

On the other hand, the cancer test is just a test - and for most tests you don't find out the results for days/weeks. So unless it's something hideously painful for FIL, then your DH needs to stop stressing over it. Not stop worrying about his dad, but put aside his worry for a few hours to concentrate on you and the baby.

I think you will have more luck with your DH if you make it about HIM rather than you. Because everything you've said can easily come across as whiney and self-centered (sorry). But it is reasonable to ask your DH to try to take a little bit of a break while his brother is here. Very likely this is the only break that your DH will get and caregivers rarely get breaks so he should take the opportunity to enjoy life so he doesn't burn out. I don't think that asking him to go on a specific schedule is really necessary, but asking that he spend a whole day with you on your anniversary is certainly reasonable.

But your parents anniversary? Why on earth would he want to do something for that? It's got nothing to do with him.

minda31807

Can you reschedule your u/s so it isn't on the same day as FIL?  That way your DH can attend and have more of his focus on you and the baby. 

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your DH to step back while his brother is in town but it should only be if your DH wants to.  Primary caregivers don't always like to step back and let somebody else do what they do.

Talk to your DH or write him a letter, let him know how you feel but please don't make him feel that he has to choose between you and his dad.

vspek

The second I found out about FIL's appointment I've tried to reschedule mine, but unfortunately they don't have anything available for the next couple of weeks and my Dr asked me to have it around week 20.

FIL's is not a test, those he had last week, but it's a doctor's appointment, which he could have had any day. I know that we are talking about cancer and that it's very scary, but I sick and tired of my in-laws constantly making EVERYTHING about them.

When I brought our frist u/s picture, my MIL just sat on the couch and all she said was that there is nothing to look at and that everyone should feel bad for her, because she has a headache. That's how it's been, but when my SIL was pregnant, everything was so amazing and my MIL kept on constantly telling me how the baby is doing and so on. That's why I am thinking they picked the same date, because they want to make sure that attention is constantly on them.