Babies: 9 - 12 Months

Granparents out of the picture (their choice)

Feeling a little sad on Father's day, both my mom and dad don't make any effort to see DS. They live around an hour or so (maybe a little more) away. DH's parents who live way farther come around more often and travel 2 hours or more to see him.

My parents only want me to take DS to see them and hardly ever come. In fact, my dad didn't even come to the hospital when DS was born. I feel sad because this is not what I want and I've tried speaking with them, but don't know what to do. For example, weeks ago, we invited just my family to go to DS's first trip to the zoo. My dad didn't want to come, he would rather relax at home. My mom said she would come, changed her mind, and made us leave the zoo early to see her (she went outside)-we went back in after. Mind you, DS last saw my mom 2 weeks ago and then 2 months before that. My dad hasn't seen DS in three months and has only seen him a handful of times. 

We both work full time and have errands on the weekends as most do. We try to make it for important events. I just wonder why we always have to travel to see my parents and they won't come to see DS. 

So, I'm feeling sad and thanks for listening. Has anyone gone through this? Did you do anything to make the relationship better? My mom and I have gotten better since being PG w/DS and my dad has always been a great dad, I just don't know what to do now. DH's dad came to visit for Father's Day.

Re: Granparents out of the picture (their choice)

  • Sounds like the opposite of what I'm going through. My mom comes down as often as she can (and she lives ~12 hours away!) and was just here last week. My ILs haven't seen Sammy since he was 3 weeks old, despite living ~6 hours away. :/

    They keep making promises to come down (the most recent being the first weekend of this month for my husband's birthday) but have broken every single one. Since they were pushing for an abortion (seriously) my side of the family thinks they're mad that we decided to go against their wishes and are bitter.

    They also avoided my husband when he lived over the border with me (~1.5 hours away from where we are now, so not a big difference) and yelled at him for not dropping everything to go way the hell down to SC for Thanksgiving one year. What the hell?

    I've given up hoping for anything. If your expectations are low, you'll be thrilled when they DO do something. If you expect good/great things, you'll just be miserable from the sound of things. I'm sorry. :(

  • I have the opposite.  My MIL lives in the same town as my mother.  Roughly 1.5 hrs away.  MIL came down when DD was born and for her 1st birthday and that was it.  She came down once in between because she went to a convention in town and wanted a place to stay.  It sucks that she could really care less about DD.  I just try not to think about it or let it get to me.  If we head up that way to see my mom we always visit MIL but it makes me mad that she doesn't care.  If she's still like this when DD is older Dh said we just won't take her to see her at all (when we are there MIL will hold her for maybe 2 minutes and be done with her and watch TV instead.)
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  • I have no advice but I just wanted to say that I am so so sorry and that breaks my heart for you and your DS. Only my parents are involved in DS's life. My DH doesn't speak to his parents and has not for quite a few years. I've never even met them. I couldn't imagine my parents acting like that. They are acting quite selfish IMO. I hope they realize this and change their ways. They are missing a lot. My parents live about an hour away also. My mom sees DS every weekend, if not every other. My dad sees him as much as he can (he is a corrections officer and works all the time so it's hard to match his schedule to mine). Again, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Have you tried to talk to them about how you feel?

     PS. Sorry if I sounded harsh towards your parents. I just can't understand grandparents not wanting to be involved with their grandchildren.

  • Have you invited them over for dinner or something like that? ?Relationships should go both ways. ?I go see my parents (an hour away) and they come here sometimes too. ?I went to see them today but they weren't home, yes I drove an hour for nothing... but I just needed to get out anyways, and I knew just knowing I came all that way would make my dad feel good. ?Sometimes when people get older they're weird about travel. ?My MIL hates driving at night, and a few others in the family think any drive over 20 minutes is crazy, which is not crazy they are crazy. ?Did you ask your dad to come over today? ?Were you expecting him??
  •  I don't think that you guys were harsh on them. I, too, don't understand how my parents can be this way. We always say that they are invited, I invited them to the zoo this weekend and my dad for today. Like I said, we go when we can. It is not like my parents are that old, they are 50 and 48 years old. My dad, who is nearing 50, is very athletic, regularly works out, etc. He does have a part-time physically demanding job, but still a little effort in 6 months would be nice.
  • My family is the same way. We always have to make the effort to see them and they never make an effort to see us.?

    We finally made a decision that while we'll be friendly with them, we'd no longer make an effort with them until they started to make and effort with us.

    Dh's family is not like that. They always make an effort to come see us & to see dd.?You're not alone. You have to do what's right for you & your family. If not making the effort anymore with respect to your family is going to make you & your family happier & more relaxed, then that's what you have to do.?

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  • I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  It is really hard when family seems so disinterested in your LO.  I have a similar issue with my brother.  DS is almost nine months old and my brother has never met him.  Now mind you, he only lives about 3 hours away and he was actually 15 minutes from my house at Christmas.  He stopped taking my calls and I have stopped trying to reach out to him.  He is like this with my whole family.  My brother was always awesome with my nephew (who is almost 12).  My nephew's dad was never in the picture a lot and he really looked up to my brother.  As sad as I am that my son will probably never know his uncle, I am even more sad for my nephew because he has lost one of his best friends.
  • Yep.  My mother-- with whom I've never been close-- is a shlt to my Jack.  She's fairly mentally ill, so I try not to take it personally.  She makes no effort to see him (lives 1/2 hour away if even that) and even elected not to come at the last minute to his first birthday party.  All she ever did my whole life was hurt and disappoint me, and now she plans to do it to my son. I won't let her. Nope.  No, I'm not doing anything to "make it better."  Better is, IMO, breaking the cycle.  Jack has one grandmother who adores and worships him.

     

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