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Adoption
Argh... What is true about DA?
H is having trouble getting comfortable with IUI, and has brought up the possibility of DA.
Before I reject this vehemently, I'd like some facts from those of you who have adopted domestically. We're in the US, VA to be exact.
My understanding of DA is this:
You pay about 20K up front. (Our state is very hesitant to place a non-white baby with a white couple, which we are).
You have to put together a photo album of your family and a series of essays for the birthmom to search. I am nervous about this because
(a) we live in a starter home;
(b) I feel like bc my stepdaughter does not live with us and my H never married her mom, that a birthmom would be less likely to pick us;
(c) although we do have some of my ILs living nearby, we have a very strained relationship (some of it is that H never married my stepdaughter's mom, some of it is my educational background, a great deal of it is my ethnic/religious background... nothing I did in other words);
(d) I currently work outside the home in a notoriously demanding, high-stress job. (The SW has indicated he will approve our homestudy only if we are both working until the child is placed with us). However, I choose to, or depending on how you look at it, am going to have to, become a SAHM once our child comes home.
(e) I am not impressed with our public school system. Am considering homeschool.
(f) I was raised by parents of two different faiths, H was raised in a different faith; and we're not really big on organized religion.
How honest do we have to be about that stuff? If we skirt the less than desirable aspects of our lives, does the birth mom have any way of finding out?
I also understand that in addition to the 20K we paid, we will also have to give the birthmom a living allowance during her pg and pay for her hospital costs, but we are out that money if she changes her mind?
I also understand that she has up to 10 years to change her mind, and could just take our child back at any time? Also, that the birthmom's extended family have the same option?
And what are the limits we can put on open adoption? I do not want a "co-parenting" arrangement with the birthmom; at least at first I would not want a situation where she could show up at our house/job/child's school on her own. To note, I have no problem with exchanging emails and pictures through a third party, nor do I have a problem with meeting her a few times a year at a neutral location. I just don't want a scenario where she's showing up at our house in 10 - 15 years asking for handouts.
TIA. Sorry to sound dumb, but all I'm finding is propaganda and crap on google.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Argh... What is true about DA?
There are a lot of fears and misconceptions about domestic adoption. I urge you to thorougly research domestic adoption - there are many great books and online resources. We live in NJ, our adoption agency is based in KS but licensed in NJ and our birth delivered in NY. We are a white family, my husband is Jewish, I was raised Christian but am non-practicing, neither of our families live near us, our beautiful son is AA.
There is NO set in stone answer to any of your questions because how domestic adoption works is not fully dictated by a rule or law. Meaning, some agencies may charge 10k payable at point of placement, some agencies require 50k required up front. Fees and wait times vary by agencies and vary by what you are open to.
You pay about 20K up front. (Our state is very hesitant to place a non-white baby with a white couple, which we are).
Most agencies, I believe do not have you pay 'up front'. You have a home study which is generally between 700 and 1500 which is paid at time of the service. Some agencies have an application fee which is generally less than a few hundred bucks. Some agencies have an activation/sign-on fee which is sometimes less than a few thousand dollars. The rest of the fees come at match time. Generally no two matches are the same exact cost because birth moms can be from ANY state and therefore their medical, legal and counseling service requirements vary. This is where the bulk of your expenses come in.
Your state has no say over placing non-white babies with white couples or any other combination of races. This idea is antiquated and prior to the 1980s that was rule of thumb. Since then Congress passed laws making it illegal in the state foster care system to not allow inter-racial adoptions. Although there may be SOME agencies that will not allow transracial adoptions - would you really want to work with a racist and ignorant agency like that? There are thousands of adoption agencies - you do not have to work within your state alone and you dont hve to work with just birth moms in your state. As you can see from our situation. The US has a GREAT need for adoptive families for African American or bi-racial babies. There are more birth mothers for non-white babies than there are adoptive parents. I can tell you HONESTLY that the concept of becoming color blind really is true when you are looking at your child (no matter their color). As you can see I am an advocate for transracial adoptions. There may be some social workers who grew up under the old rule of thought about intergrating families but that really is no longer the rule and many agencies would LOVE to have you join them and be open to transracial.
Some agencies will waive their own fees if you are open to other races, as our agency did. DA and IA fees average about the same - depending on the agency or the country. If adopting a non-white child the fees average as low as 7k up to 30k.
You have to put together a photo album of your family and a series of essays for the birthmom to search. I am nervous about this because
Our agency required photos of us and no more than two of our extended family. No more than two photos of our home or neighborhood. We didnt really write essays - we simply wrote paragraphs about various things in our life (about us - how we met, about our home/town/neighborhood, about our pets, favorite vacations, about our childhoods, what we hope for our children, etc). Just topics that give the birth mom a little more information about us and who we are. EVERYONE IS NERVOUS ABOUT THIS ASPECT. You want the birth mom to like you enough to pick you. But when it is right, it will be right. And, honestly, the birth mom wants YOU to like her too. So she is nervous as well.
(a) we live in a starter home - NO big deal as long as it is safe.
(b) I feel like bc my stepdaughter does not live with us and my H never married her mom, that a birthmom would be less likely to pick us: This may cause some issues with some agencies but in general as long as you OPEN and UP FRONT about your lives you will be fine. Birth moms pick adoptive families for all kinds of reasons. Perhaps it would be because she could relate to your family in some way.
(c) although we do have some of my ILs living nearby, we have a very strained relationship (some of it is that H never married my stepdaughter's mom, some of it is my educational background, a great deal of it is my ethnic/religious background... nothing I did in other words): Again, as long as you open and hoenst about this with the SW - it wont be a big deal. We all have odd family members or strained relationships. It happens. It's part of life.
(d) I currently work outside the home in a notoriously demanding, high-stress job. (The SW has indicated he will approve our homestudy only if we are both working until the child is placed with us). However, I choose to, or depending on how you look at it, am going to have to, become a SAHM once our child comes home: THAT is the oddest thing I have heard. So you have already had a home study? Are you adopting through the state and not going through agency for adoption? Did you know that many agencies have their own SWers to do home studies? What he stated sounds like a requirement of a specific agency or state foster requirement. That is NOT a law. And that requirement or non-requirement will vary by agency. You can be a working mom or a SAHM - it matters not as long as the child will be well taken care of. Birth moms look for all kinds. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A SAHM MOM TO ADOPT.
(e) I am not impressed with our public school system. Am considering homeschool. Do what you feel is right. We will probably send our child to private school. Again, this matters not to the adoption agency nor all birth moms.
(f) I was raised by parents of two different faiths, H was raised in a different faith; and we're not really big on organized religion. Matters not. DH is Jewish - non practicing, I was raised Christian - non practicing. We believe in a higher power but are not religious. We were open and honest about this - not a big deal.
How honest do we have to be about that stuff? If we skirt the less than desirable aspects of our lives, does the birth mom have any way of finding out? BE OPEN AND HONEST. It is better to be up front and open than for some of those tid bits about your life that you are insecure about to come up later (during the home study, during the matching process, during the match and wait process, or during the post placement home studies). NO ONE HAS A PERFECT LIFE. NO one expects you to have a perfect life. Be yourself.
I also understand that in addition to the 20K we paid, we will also have to give the birthmom a living allowance during her pg and pay for her hospital costs, but we are out that money if she changes her mind? SOME agencies require living expenses to be paid but not all. Yes, most require the medical and legal expenses to be paid but if you gave birth you would have some of these expenses as well. Our insurance actually covered our adopted son from birth. In my personal experience that 20k amount you are talking about is NOT the agency fee but rather the medical, legal, counseling, court paperwork fees and the such are made up of that. Our agency really only made a couple thousand off our adoption.
I also understand that she has up to 10 years to change her mind, and could just take our child back at any time? Also, that the birthmom's extended family have the same option? NO WAY. You really need to research domestic adoption. In most states the birth parental rights are relinquished within 3 days of birth of child. And in many states once that relinquishment is signed it is irrevocable - meaning they CAN NOT change their minds unless they can prove that you forced them or some how coersed them into the adoption - very hard to prove and happens in less than 1% of cases. When it does happen is because the adoptive parents did not use a reputable atttorney or agency. No state, to my knowledge, has a revocable period of more than 90 days. And that is not common. Our birth mothers rights were relinquished irrevocable the very next day of us taking our son from the hospital. The birth father is not around and it will take longer for the court to relinquish his rights (about 45 days).
And what are the limits we can put on open adoption? I do not want a "co-parenting" arrangement with the birthmom; at least at first I would not want a situation where she could show up at our house/job/child's school on her own. To note, I have no problem with exchanging emails and pictures through a third party, nor do I have a problem with meeting her a few times a year at a neutral location. I just don't want a scenario where she's showing up at our house in 10 - 15 years asking for handouts.
You do not have to have an open adoption. Most agencies require a semi-open adoption unless the birth mom does not want that. In which case, no identifying information is shared and you exchange letters and photos through the agency for set periods of time. I will say this, birth mothers should be respected and treated well. They have made a very difficult decision and will make the greatest sacrifice of their lives for YOU and the child. Most are not teens, most are not drug addicts, and most will not abuse the system or openness of the adoption. You may find yourself, when the times comes with an overwhelming amount of love and respect for your birth mother. We had fears, like everyone, but you have to step back and get over yourself IMO. We would very much so welcome an open adoption with our birth mother. We would love to get together with her maybe for a yearly picnic or something. She gave us the most precious gift that a person could ever give and we feel it is not only in the best interest of the child but respectful of us to be open with her.
In non-kinship related adoptions it is RARE to hear about birth families trying to mooch off or extort an adoptive family for handouts or money. If it were to happen then you call the police.
Open adoption is NOT about co-parenting or co-custody arrangements. It's about YOUR child knowing who their birth parents are (how would you feel to never know your biological parents last names?) and it is about YOUR child having access to their biological roots. I believe an adopted child is not whole without both their biology and their adopted family roots.
TIA. Sorry to sound dumb, but all I'm finding is propaganda and crap on google.
I am not being snarky but you do really need to better research domestic adoption. There are great books that you can get through amazon. Some agencies really do have great websites for information, such as www.americanadoptions.com.
You pay about 20K up front. (Our state is very hesitant to place a non-white baby with a white couple, which we are). You should be very wary of any agency that asks for more than an application fee up front. The average DA is probably somewhere around $20k, but it is not due up front. You usually pay an application fee, and then half of the fees are due upon match, and the other upon placement. You can go with an attorney/facilitator and spend less (or more) -- some agencies provide all services (attorney, networking, everything) and some require you to provide your own. You should check out a copy of Adoption for Dummies from your local library and read about all of the different options. But again, do not give anyone $20k up front.
You have to put together a photo album of your family and a series of essays for the birthmom to search. I am nervous about this because
(a) we live in a starter home; Does not matter. People who live in apartments adopt every day.
(b) I feel like bc my stepdaughter does not live with us and my H never married her mom, that a birthmom would be less likely to pick us; Does not matter. Birthmothers sometimes wants adoptive parents with no children, with children, with only older children, who won't/can't have children, etc.
(c) although we do have some of my ILs living nearby, we have a very strained relationship (some of it is that H never married my stepdaughter's mom, some of it is my educational background, a great deal of it is my ethnic/religious background... nothing I did in other words); Does not matter. Just like adoptive parents come from different family and religious situations and backgrounds, so do birthmothers. Some want diversity, some don't place importance on it, some prefer only certain religions.
(d) I currently work outside the home in a notoriously demanding, high-stress job. (The SW has indicated he will approve our homestudy only if we are both working until the child is placed with us). However, I choose to, or depending on how you look at it, am going to have to, become a SAHM once our child comes home. No one can tell you to quit your job, unless you do not have adequate childcare available otherwise. If your agency is requiring this, I would advise interviewing another agency. Some birthmothers want SAHM's, some don't care, and some prefer working moms.
(e) I am not impressed with our public school system. Am considering homeschool. Again, I doubt this would matter. We're considering homeschooling and our birthmother didn't ask us about it at all.
(f) I was raised by parents of two different faiths, H was raised in a different faith; and we're not really big on organized religion. Birthmothers come in all different religious and non-religious shapes as well.
How honest do we have to be about that stuff? If we skirt the less than desirable aspects of our lives, does the birth mom have any way of finding out? It's best to be completely honest. No aspect of your life is "less desirable" unless you're committing a crime or doing something dangerous, and I find it sad that you would think that your life doesn't qualify you to be a parent. You should be proud of who you are and let your profile reflect that. A birthmother will click with you -- you don't know her background, your starter home may look like a grand palace to her or your religious diversity may be ideal for her if she felt stifled or pressured by her own religious upbringing, etc.
I also understand that in addition to the 20K we paid, we will also have to give the birthmom a living allowance during her pg and pay for her hospital costs, but we are out that money if she changes her mind? If birthmother expenses are requested and approved (if necessary in your state) and you pay them, if she changes her mind, you are correct that you would lose that $. Some agency fees include birthmother expenses, some don't. Some states require approval, some don't.
I also understand that she has up to 10 years to change her mind, and could just take our child back at any time? Also, that the birthmom's extended family have the same option? This is false. If the baby is born in VA (where you live), the the VA laws would apply, but each state is different. In VA, the birthmother can't sign relinquishment papers until 3 days post-birth, and then she has 7 days to change her mind. 10 years is completely false. The birthfather also has to sign, if he is known.
And what are the limits we can put on open adoption? I do not want a "co-parenting" arrangement with the birthmom; at least at first I would not want a situation where she could show up at our house/job/child's school on her own. To note, I have no problem with exchanging emails and pictures through a third party, nor do I have a problem with meeting her a few times a year at a neutral location. I just don't want a scenario where she's showing up at our house in 10 - 15 years asking for handouts. You can put whatever limits you want on your open adoption. But realize that depending on how limited you make it, it might not appeal to some birthmothers, but then again it might be a perfect fit. I think most open adoptions are what you described as emails/pictures either directly or through a third party and are semi-open. I wouldn't be afraid of her asking for handouts, as that is what the legal system is for and if you have an agency who is worth anything, that's what they are there for. Any requests for money should be funneled through your agency or attorney, even years down the road.Now that Ive posted all that I looked at your name and realized that you have posted on here quite a bit before. I thought you were much further along in the process and much more researched on the topic. As I recall last you had trouble finding a social worker and there various issues about medications, husbands job, and so forth. So now Im pretty surprised at these questions but anyway.
Every agency differs. I remember being pretty surprised at some of the issues you claimed to have encountered in your previous posts on this board - so I don't know if you are just talking to the wrong adoption agencies or because it sounds like you are not that excited about domestic adoption are not really researching?
Anyway - good luck to you again.
I think you need to do some serious research on DA, because most of the preconceived notions you mentioned are outright wrong or at least misguided in my experience. I was going to write a point by point response, but suffice to say you should do some research. Domestic adoption happens in many ways and many forms, and you need to find out if it's right for you and get your questions answered. I can tell you for a fact that we don't live in a mansion, we don't share the same religion, and don't get along famously with all of our family, but we don't think those will be major stumbling blocks. We have also determined to be as honest as possible so as not to taint the adoption process by making anyone feel deceived.
At least in our experience, any major questions we had, we ran by the people at the agencies we were considering. They were very helpful in explaining the process and debunking a lot of the myths we had in our minds.
I believe resolve.org has teleseminars on adoption, and various agencies around your area and around the country may have some as well. I'd strongly suggest checking one out so you can educate yourself.
Good luck.,
It looks to me you need to do some more research on DA. Go to some information seminars, most agencies in our area have them once a month.
We went to quite a few before deciding which one to go with and not one of them wanted $20,000 upfront or even half that. We only had to pay $1,200 to get started and the rest is in payments, they make it fairly easy and they understand not everyone can just hand over 20K.
I have a past, not such a great past and that means nothing. I was honest and our agency shrugged it off. I'm very much past all of that and that's all that matters. Not all birthmoms are going to care about your faith either, a lot will but there are plenty that won't.
Good luck! By the way we researched DA for 7 months before finally deciding it was right for us, it's a big decision just take your time.
To clarify, we had researched IA... where it's only one SW approving our fitness to be parents. It's not that I personally believe that we'll be anything less than awesome parents, but after having several SWs flat-out refuse to even consider us for a HS for the abovementioned reasons (stepchild, relationship with ILs, etc), yes, I am understandably really nervous that a birthmom would refuse us based on those same things.
We finally found one SW who agreed to consider us for a HS, but that was really only because I work with his SIL and she talked us up. We will begin the homestudy once we select a program. That SW is fine with my becoming a SAHM after the adoption, although has made it clear that he will not approve our homestudy if I leave my job before becoming a mother. The reason I said becoming a SAHM wasn't completely a choice is that my job is very family unfriendly - we're sometimes kept overnight on a moment's notice, which isn't conducive to picking a kid up at daycare on time. Needless to say... moving on won't break my heart.
We have not contacted a DA agency; again, we began discussing the idea just yesterday.
Re: birthmothers - of course I have nothing but the utmost respect, gratitude and love for them, and feel it is best for a-kids to at least have the option to meet them. However, having been involved in a co-parenting arrangement with someone with very different values from ours for several years, I feel that another co-parenting situation with yet another party, would be quite stressful. If that makes any sense.
Sorry if I've offended anyone.
I actually got that idea from when we looked into foster care... the social worker with whom we spoke told us something to the effect of "our preference is that children be placed with people in their same race/culture." I thought that was antiquated, but having encountered so many narrow-minded people in this process, unfortunately, I didn't bat an eye.