Need input on something crazy FIL said to me today

Mrs. Destructo

This is gonna be long. I don't even know if I can write this out properly. I'm so upset with what he said, and I'm so upset and confused that I'm not sure that I'm mad because he's an ass, or because I think he might be right.

For months and months, probably closer to a year, I was very worried that one of my guys had a sensory processing problem. Sudden noises, not even loud noises, would scare him to death. He would scream and scream for a long time after hearing a loud noise, and he was virtually inconsolable. It has gotten a LOT better, and now it's to the point that he only gets freaked out if there is a loud, sudden noise when he is sleeping (like the doorbell ringing, which makes our dogs start barking A LOT).

Because my little guy was so sensitive, I've always kept the house pretty quiet. When they're awake I keep the TV off (for the most part), and when they are sleeping I'm super, super quiet - I keep the TV down low, I don't do laundry (laundry room is next to their room), I don't vacuum, etc. When we put them down to sleep at night we are always very quiet, but H and I are pretty quiet people by nature. Compounding this is that we were 100% housebound the first 6 months of their lives, and I kept them away from all other kids during their 2nd winter, so they've spent a good chunk of their lives in our quiet house, away from screaming, squawking kids.

Well, FIL just told me that he thinks that our house is too quiet, and that he thinks that when the boys start school they will be labeled with some sort of a disorder because they haven't learned how to block out noises and focus on whatever it is they are doing. He said that whenever he's known anybody with small kids, they've been able to put the kids down at night and go into the next room and watch a loud football game, play pictionary, or whatever - with all kinds of hooting and hollering from the adults, and the kids always sleep through it. He thinks that I should always have the TV on (loud - which I can't freaking stand), or music, or whatever, because the boys need to learn how to block out extra sensory input.

WDYT? Is he full of crap and scaring me for no reason? Or is he right on?

ijack

I don't think that a kid being able to sleep through loud noise makes them "normal". I think it's very commmon for kids to sleep through anything, but I know a little girl who is a champion sleeper and I would be money she has a sensory disorder. I also think it's really normal for people (not just babies) to not like loud, sudden noises. I've actually read somethings that you shouldn't teach children to block out background noises, but I can't remember where I read it.

I don't think you should worry, I think he's being an ass.

RubyRed7

It sounds like he just hit on a soft spot with you. Some babies are used to quiet houses and some are used to loud houses. Neither is weird to me? I don't think you should start cranking up the TV, that's an awesomely ridiculous statement! I think you should live your lives how you normally would, and as you said, you and your hubby are the quiet type

here4u

He is putting his .2 cents in and making you feel bad. HUGS.  I know exactly what you are going through.  My MIL & FIL say the same thing to me and DH all the time!  I am quiet by nature too, and since she's home with me all day the house is quiet.  At night we keep it as dark as possible and don't have the tv on loud so that she will go to sleep.  MIL & FIL are always telling us we need to take her out more, like to their house for instance, to get her used to new places and noises.  So far the last 3 family gatherings she's had a meltdown.  The last event was a baby shower, and it lasted about 5 hours.  This one was the exceptionion, she was VERY well behaved and only started melting down as we were already walking out the door to leave...LOL.  Since  all our kiddo's were cooped up all winter, this is all still new to them.  Follow your mommy instincts and just let them adjust at their own pace   

mhop

Why do people talk when they have nooo idea what they're talking about.  I don't claim to be an expert but I work with kids with disabilities, many of whom have sensory issues.  Research actually shows that background noise such as having the TV on all the time can actually delay language development because kids don't tune it out and because we are less likely to talk if the TV is on. 

Also, if he does have sensory issues there are appropriate ways to address it.  It might be good to let him slowly be exposed to more natural situations while you can support him and control the stimulation.  I emphasize natural because turning the TV on really loudly is not natural.   

lemen99

I have no idea My guess is they are probably just used to quiet, and prefer it that way! 

Mrs. Destructo

mhop -THANK YOU!! I am so grateful for a professional opinion on this! Even if you're not an expert, your experience is more based on data than FIL's wackadoodle opinion.

Way back when I was very worried about my little guy's sensory input, I posted on here and PP gave me some really fabulous advice about keeping things quiet, then slowly introducing him to more noise.  It worked very well - and made me feel like much less of a crazy person for insisting on quiet in our house.

I'm really not worried about him any more - his startles and reactions seem to be very normal now. Since the H1N1 scare is dying down a bit in our area and cold/flu season is pretty much over, I've been making a point to take them out every day to loud, noisy, stimmulating places. Some days they are very shy, and they stand back from the other kids and suck their thumbs, but other days they run around and screech with the best of them.  That also seems pretty normal to me. We're also looking to get them into a preschool a few hours/week, so they can get more structured play with louder, more advanced kids around them.

 I don't know why I let what FIL says get under my skin so much. He himself is severely ADD and dyslexic, AND H is his stepson - FIL never raised a baby of his own. He really doesn't know what he's talking about. Really. I shouldn't listen to him at all.

lstaylor73

Mrs. Destructo:

mhop -THANK YOU!! I am so grateful for a professional opinion on this! Even if you're not an expert, your experience is more based on data than FIL's wackadoodle opinion.

Way back when I was very worried about my little guy's sensory input, I posted on here and PP gave me some really fabulous advice about keeping things quiet, then slowly introducing him to more noise.  It worked very well - and made me feel like much less of a crazy person for insisting on quiet in our house.

I'm really not worried about him any more - his startles and reactions seem to be very normal now. Since the H1N1 scare is dying down a bit in our area and cold/flu season is pretty much over, I've been making a point to take them out every day to loud, noisy, stimmulating places. Some days they are very shy, and they stand back from the other kids and suck their thumbs, but other days they run around and screech with the best of them.  That also seems pretty normal to me. We're also looking to get them into a preschool a few hours/week, so they can get more structured play with louder, more advanced kids around them.

 I don't know why I let what FIL says get under my skin so much. He himself is severely ADD and dyslexic, AND H is his stepson - FIL never raised a baby of his own. He really doesn't know what he's talking about. Really. I shouldn't listen to him at all.

I remember that post because we have the same issues as you and Martha too and my guys do have sensory delays, as well as being very light and bad sleepers.  He doesn't know what he's talking about, do what works for you and your boys.  You guys are the ones who have to live and you should live the way that works for you.  I too prefer a quieter house, and frankly my worst times are when everyone is talking, cross-talking over each other, the kids screaching, dogs barking, etc. 

jasonlovessara

What an ass... I am sorry that he said that to you.... because he is an expert and all, right?  You raise your children as you see fit... they will be fine!  You know what is best for them, you are a wonderful mother... try to not let what he said bother you, it would pi$s me off as well!

BrainySmurfette

I think he just doesn't know what he is talking about.  IMO, since you and your DH prefer a quiet house, it seems much more likely that your children simply have a similar temperment. 

He's also wrong about kids sleeping through loud noise.  I remember being kept awake at night as a child by the TV and stuff.  I just stayed in my room b/c I knew I'd be in trouble if I came out.  Not that I represent the whole population, but I don't think I'm abnormal. 

TriciaJoy

everyone who's ever SEEN a kid seems to think they're an expert on raising them, huh?

Drives me batty.

Frankly, if being in a noisy invironment would desensitize them, NONE of our kids would have issues- they lived in the NICU with machines and beeping and nurses and doctors for HOW long??

FWIW, Robbie used to be the same way with the noises. Something like my husband burping or one of us sneezing would send him into a meltdown. I don't know what made it change, but now his reactions are more normal. Yes, he'll jump and if something really scares him, he'll do that wind-up cry like his feelings are hurt or something, but nothing major.

We keep it quiet while he sleeps (I'm actually forever scolding my husband for flipping lights on and making noise.. because he wakes Robbie up ALL the freakin' time) and dark, too.
Hell, tell him to read some sleep studies. There are studies that show even a bright ALARM CLOCK in a room can disrupt melatonin production and make your sleep not as restful. It's supposed to be quiet and dark when we sleep.

 

AviatorJJ

first of all you know what is best for your boys. yes, deep down there is that voice telling you what to do. if it were me and lord knows my son has issues! i would talk to our OT/PT and see what they suggest. i can see his point yes, the world isn't always quiet and maybe you do need to gently introduce some loud noises. but c'mon i don't know anybody's kids that can sleep through all that stuff that he mentioned.