DH is a very sweet, loving man- when he's around. He works nights; I work days. It doesn't leave much time for doing family things. Tonight I was trying to discuss DD's 1st Birthday/Bday Party w/ him and he's showing a complete lack of interest in planning the party (I'm not upset about that- b/c he's just not that type of guy) but also a lack of interest in actually spending extra time together to celebrate her birthday- even though he's off work that night.
This makes me sad b/c, once again, it is DD and I doing family activities together w/out him. This happens often, and not just b/c of his job. Either he is tired or he's going to a friend's house or he's hanging out in the den w/ one of his brothers bull_shitting.
I'm a teacher, so I spend 10 hours a day at work; therfore, every evening is (IMO) golden time w/ DD. I sadly told him tonight that I'm fairly disappointed in the way our life is b/c I always thought he would be a family man when we had children, and I don't think he puts forth the effort to actually spend much time when he's home w/ his daughter and I. He responded by saying that I spend too much time w/ DD and forgive him for being 29 and not wanting to act like he's 50. I started crying and told him that unfortunatly he has a child now and when he's 50 she's not going to be a baby anymore; she's going to be off living her own life.
After a lot more discussion, overall, I think the only thing we accomplished tonight is an "understanding" w/ one another that he thinks: I'm too devoted to DD b/c I changed my life to fit her (i.e. I don't go drink every weekend like I used to and I spend the majority of my time off caring for/playing with her), and I'm sad that he doesn't want to devote more time/energy to us. I don't know what to do.
If you're still reading; thanks for "listening". I just couldn't go to bed w/out getting it off my chest.
Re: Vent: I will not let DH make me feel guilty b/c I adore being w/ DD
This is tough
I do the night thing, Dh does the day thing and it works for us
but we make sure we spend weekends as family time
If we go out, we go out as a couple to hang out with friends or a date
DH also comes home from lunch
Is he taking care of DD all day? and working all night?
If so, I take care of DD all day and it can be draining to get 5-6 hrs of sleep and then take care of DD. I mean like draining your just "existing" and not really doing anything because your too tired to even think sometimes.
The "night time" thing might not be working for you guys, I mean its a huge strain on a relationship. do you have other options?
That's not cool. Having a child is an adjustment, but he's had almost 12 months to adjust. Unfortunately I find that whoever DH is hanging around influences what he wants to do. And if he is hanging around younger, unmarried guys, or ones with no children, he starts acting a little less responsible, and more like "I want to do my own thing". Fortunately those people aren't around anymore for us. But this would make me really mad. I would tell him to grow up, he's freakin 29. For gods sake my husband just turned 25, and he misses spending time with DS (however he is on short deployments all the time, which actually gives him time to miss us).
I'm sorry that he's being such a jerk, and I hope that it was just a bad night and he was being selfish. I find though that the more fun stuff that DH does with DS, the more bonded he is with him, but like anything, I can't force it with DH. He's just gotta find his niche in being a daddy. I'm sorry that probably doesn't help, but good luck!
I'm sorry dh is being a jerk. What was he envisioning for life with a wife and child, exactly? You're supposed to spend the majority of your free time with them. Sure, you have hobbies and you go out with the guys on occasion, but your life is your family.
Sorry, 29 isn't that young anymore. I'd buy his excuse if he had gotten married right out of high school and missed out on partying. He's a hair away from 30, not a kid anymore. He needs to grow the hell up or it's going to be hell on his marriage.
I just have to say this.
Parenting is not a job that you get to go home from. What is the point of having children if you don't want to spend time with them? I am 22 and my DH is almost 25, and our life revolves around our little girl.
I spend 8 1/2 hours a day away from DD while I am at work, and during that time she is at home with DH and most of the time I am so resentful of that. I only get a few hours home with her before she has to go to sleep. Yes, parenting is hard and you don't always get to go out and do what you want, but that is how it is. I would give your DH a good kick in the butt.
I'm not sure if you're still reading replies, but it sounds like your DH is having a really hard time adjusting to life as a Dad/parent. I could totally flame him for not stepping up, but instead I'm going to tell you our experience with our first. We were 29 and 30 when we had our first and what worked for us (and we didn't discuss it, it's just what we did) is not letting our son change our life that drastically. One kid is SO portable - we really just took him everywhere with us. Granted, we were not going out to bars and drinking - but we would go with friends to dinners/drinks about once a week. Normally, if it was an earlier night, we took him with us. Otherwise, we got a sitter.
Nights your DH is home, why not put your daughter to bed and do somthing fun? Have some drinks, a fun dinner, watch a movie, play games? If you are really ONLY living for your daughter and your focus is 100% on her, maybe he feels left out because he's not enjoying being a dad quite as much as you are a mom?
In general, I also agree that maybe he's hanging out with the wrong crowd. Are his friends into your daughter or are they sort of 'geesh, sucks that you have a kid and can't do this' type of people?
Good luck working this all out!
Ditto this. I do think its possible to be too involved with your child. You have to remember yourself and your marriage, as well.
Also - where is she when you work? At daycare or at home with your H?
Thanks ladies. I agree he's being selfish and find it ludicrous that he is trying to push it off on me- as if I'm the selfish one!
No, he does not watch DD during the day. She goes to his mother's b/c I leave for work at 6:15ish and he usually has just goten home and been in bed a few hours before that. He does stop by MIL's everyday before heading to work and spends a few hours w/ DD (he goes in just as I'm getting off).
Also, his only 2 married friends have moved away. His other friends are young and unmarried, and his brothers are all younger than him. One of his brothers has a baby that is just slightly older than DD, but he is even worse than my DH. He's always at my house- leaving SIL either to choose to come over to (not always conveient for her) or take care of nephew by herself. So, as you can see, it's a theme w/ these men.
Finally, I think this "if you are really ONLY living for your daughter and your focus is 100% on her, maybe he feels left out because he's not enjoying being a dad quite as much as you are a mom?" hits the hammer right on the head, so to speak. He loves DD and thinks being a dad is nice, but I don't think he revells in it the way I do. I honestly feel like DD made my life 100x better and I think he feels like she's awesome, but doesn't need to spend his life raising her. I don't know what he expects either: maybe for our mothers to raise our kids????
Thanks again. I just needed to feel as though my feelings were valid, which I knew they were, but it's nice to hear it from someone else also.
I also know where you are coming from. I work days (8:30 to 5pm) and my DH works nights (5pm ? 1:30 am or later) so I totally feel like a single mom during the week. I get irritated with DH all the time because when he has a free moment he?s not doing anything related to DS, but rather he?s on the computer reading about hunting stuff. He does watch DS 2 days a week in order to spend time with him and I know he loves him, but his world doesn?t revolve around DS like mine does. Even on the weekends he doesn?t give me much of a break because he has ?too much to do around the house.? I know that stuff is important too, but Mom?s need a break once in awhile too. Asking him to change a diaper on the weekend or watch DS for a little while so I can go out or get something done is always met with a bunch of whining and complaining. Granted he doesn?t go out with any guy friends, but I totally don?t feel like he is taking a real interest in the development of our son. On the days he watches him he does the bare minimum ? meaning he gives the baby just a bottle for breakfast, where every other day of the week at daycare and on the weekends, he gets solid foods for breakfast ? just because its easier for him. He sleeps in till 9 or 10am, even though I leave for work at 8 am?.I still am not sure if DS is really sleeping in that late or if my DH just doesn?t hear him crying (he?s a heavy sleeper).
DH and I have always worked opposite hours and I guess we never realized how much of a strain it would put on us once we had kids. Its also pretty rough on our marriage ? ie sex life. I guess another difference here is that my DH is 37 so he?s really past all the partying stuff?but trust me?his hunting hobby is an OBSESSION and its all he does/thinks about whenever I?m not around to remind him of the other important things in our life that need his attention.