Vent....argh!!! Husband stuff

I need to vent to people who understand.

So, we are with a full service adoption center (law office that also does the agency type work).  We've been waiting since February and I am getting antsy.  A few women I've met with this same center have also gotten antsy and started looking at adding a facilitator to the mix.  

Well, out of left field today- on a Yahoogroup related to adoption and cancer- a facilitator posts about a situation which sounds ideal to me.  Mind you, facilitators aren't on this's a small group of women who aren't usually engaged in "a-situation" discussions.  The detials were great on the situation....down to the BM living in the same state as my family...where we probably will end up living in the next few years.

I exchanged several emails w/facilitator, and she was in touch w/BM.  I was excited!!

Well, I came home and my excitement was squashed. DH does not want to engage a facilitator.  He is a very "old-fashioned" soul...he believes in systems and processes which is very much what our adoption center is about, and he is loyal.   I tried to sell him on why it could be a good thing to use a facilitator but he was adamant, especially since it would increase our adoption expenses.

 I know this was just a glimpse of what might have been....but it sucks!  I feel like the perfect situation just ended...thanks to DH.  Argh!!!

 Thanks for giving me a safe place to vent!


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Re: Vent....argh!!! Husband stuff

  • Oh, I am so sorry!  I saw that too and thought it was the perfect situation for somebody.  Maybe he will come around? 


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  • Do you think this is really about being loyal to the law firm or about his initial anxiety at the thought of becoming a dad sooner than the firm told you would happen (you know 1 year vs 1 month kind of difference)?

    Many people have multiple agencies or pathes that they are using. I believe it is heart to heart that recommends people have more than one agency in the mix which is why I think they don't have an application fee or sign-on fee or something. In my in-person support group there were 2 couples that used two agencies to become parents quicker (since we live in a state where facilitator use is illegal).

    I'm sorry he squashed your excitement. I would discuss with him if there is a deeper reason for not wanting to speed up your quest in becoming parents. I do understand money is a factor but you also understand your financial situation - is it doable?

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  • That is such a tough situation to be in.  I can truly understand how heartbreaking it is to have your hopes dashed by the one person sharing this frustrating journey with you.

    My husband and I have an understanding that if one of us is uneasy with a situation, we will not consider it.  Since there are so many issues and concerns with adoption, neither one of us wants to place the other in a situation that they do not feel comfortable with or in which they feel there are too many risks.  There have been times when I wanted to proceed, but he held back, just as there have been possibilities that he was open to, and my expressed concerns lead us in another direction.

    These are, certainly, some of the most difficult decisions we'll make in our lives together, but we'll only feel truly united in this if we are committed to one another--and each other's comfort level--first throughout this process.  Neither one of us ever wants to look back and think that maybe we coerced the other into a less than desirable situation or to make a decision of which (s)he was not fully supportive.

    So please believe me, I know how upsetting and frustrating and even painful it is to have the man that you love put a stop on a possible match long before you even feel you have enough information to make that kind of decision, but I believe that in the long run, it is in each of our family's best interest to stay united in the decision making process above all.  The right situation will come along that has both your hearts jumping, and that will be the child for you.

    I wish you strength, patience, and resilience in your wait, and I pray that your child comes to you soon!

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