Having a Bad Night..... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Having a Bad Night.....

As you girls know, I had a D&E on Friday.  I have had a few crying spells here and there, but I cannot let it go tonight.  My DH is asleep and I am out of control.  We had to have a D&E for my safety and to reduce the suffering of the baby.  I asked the doctor if the baby had a heartbeat when he took him and he said yes.  I just cannot believe the guilt and loss I feel.  I just keep apologizing and apologizing to my son.  It was my first pregnancy and I am terrified of getting pregnant again.  What if I am forced to give my next child away too.  I thought this was going to get easier.  Please tell me it does.  I just thought I would be getting better now and not deeper into a dark hole.

I dreamt the night before the procedure that my baby said "I'm sorry Mommy".  I just can't get it out of my head and know I never will be able to.  And I can't stop wondering what they did with him after they took him from my stomach.  I feel so small and empty now.  I did not expect this at all.  I was 16 weeks.  Now I am nothing.

I am sorry to be Debbie Downer.  I just don't want to call anyone on a Saturday night.  And my poor DH has been through enough. 

Thanks for listening.  And bless all you girls going through this, I never imagined it would be this hard.  Thank goodness we have each other.

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Re: Having a Bad Night.....

  • I am so terribly sorry. ((HUGS))

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    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • Oh girl!  I so feel your pain!! Hugs to you!  Right Hug  If you want to talk my email is nicole dot [email protected] gmail dot com 

    Yes, it does get better with time but it is never going to be easy.  I have my really good days, and then I have terrible days when I don't want to get out of bed or out of my pjs.  

    Missing all our angels tonight!  

    Hugs to you, 

    Nicole 

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  • Shan13Shan13 member

    I am soo sorry (((hugs))). I know how you feel. It has been 6 weeks since my angel baby grew wings. The dreams of him still come but a little less often. You will have good days and bad. I have found that doing things such as planting a tree have helped me get through the tougher days.

    Please send me a message or email if you need to talk or vent.

  • i am so deeply sorry for your loss. don't worry about being a debbie downer, all the ladies on here are wonderful, so supportive. you will be okay, but it doesn't have to be today. (i saw that on here a couple days ago and i just love it.)
    tears in heaven. 5.21.09 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. My only advice is to let yourself grieve and you will see the light again soon. Hugs and good vibes to you. Take care of yourself and DH.
  • i'm so sorry for your loss, and for all you're going through. please, never feel you have to apologize for expressing your feelings. you are going through something very painful and traumatic and only you know what you're feeling. however, you are not alone. all of us have sufferd a loss, all of us have been through a similar pain and all of us can relate. never feel like you will be judged or dismissed-- only find peace and comfort here.

    my heart breaks for you over you guilt. it must have been so horrible to go through the experience in and of itself, but to add the guilt must be unbearable. whatever guilt you feel, please know that there was a reason that you needed that d&e-- a sucky reason, but a valid one none the less. there was NOTHING you could do to prevent it. i know guilt isn't something you can dismiss no matter all the logic and reasoning in the world... but please realize that in this situation, this was the best option not only for you but for the baby-- as horrible as the d&e must have been, it avoided a whole plethera of complications that would have developed later in the pregnancy, causing pain to both you and the baby. at the stage of your d&e, the baby did not have the cognitive function to know what was going on and that it (or you) were in any danger or that anything "bad" was happening. you made the best decision you could have made, and please know that your baby is in a better place where there is no such thing as suffering.

    you will continue to have bad nights, and bad days, but please feel free to vent here, we will offer you all the support we can. i hope you will at least a little better soon, a little more confident. please keep us updated.


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