As you girls know, I had a D&E on Friday. I have had a few crying spells here and there, but I cannot let it go tonight. My DH is asleep and I am out of control. We had to have a D&E for my safety and to reduce the suffering of the baby. I asked the doctor if the baby had a heartbeat when he took him and he said yes. I just cannot believe the guilt and loss I feel. I just keep apologizing and apologizing to my son. It was my first pregnancy and I am terrified of getting pregnant again. What if I am forced to give my next child away too. I thought this was going to get easier. Please tell me it does. I just thought I would be getting better now and not deeper into a dark hole.
I dreamt the night before the procedure that my baby said "I'm sorry Mommy". I just can't get it out of my head and know I never will be able to. And I can't stop wondering what they did with him after they took him from my stomach. I feel so small and empty now. I did not expect this at all. I was 16 weeks. Now I am nothing.
I am sorry to be Debbie Downer. I just don't want to call anyone on a Saturday night. And my poor DH has been through enough.
Thanks for listening. And bless all you girls going through this, I never imagined it would be this hard. Thank goodness we have each other.