Adoption
silliestbunny
member
Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
Options
GTKY...HTT- pregnancy pangs
silliestbunny
member
in Adoption
Not sure if this a get-to-know-ya or a hot topic....but it's on my mind so I'll post now!
I think this applies to anyone who is choosing to adopt and is not planning on having any/anymore bio kids.
Do you still get sad or moments of feeling loss because you'll never/never again feel the pregnancy bump, the hiccups, the belly fluttering?
Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 monthsThis discussion has been closed.
Re: GTKY...HTT- pregnancy pangs
Answering my own question
You know, I was so okay w/never being pregnant until recently. I've known for years that pregnancy was an impossible dream and I didn't spend much time concerned w/it because I totally believe in adoption and knew it was a perfect fit.
I don't want this to be read as me not being excited and happy with our adoption plan....but lately the feeling keeps hitting me. It's sort of the same feeling that you get when you have those moments realizing that you are half way through your life on earth, that you'll never have your youth back. It's a sort of yearning for something that does make sense...
I look at my husband and I have moments when I think about how cute a baby version of him will be....and then I get that pang reminding me that it's not likely.
I have a feeling that these new moments and feelings are something I would have already experienced if I'd spent time trying to get pregnant and then coming to the decision about adoption. Since that wasn't my path, these feelings feel out of place.
I think I am having a hard time putting these feelings to words...and perhaps this is less of a HTT than a confession
Anyone else??
I think I have moments of it, but for the most part I'm at peace with it.
I was pregnant 3 times and never got even close to the 2nd trimester, so another BFP would probably terrify me more than anything.
I was at the mall with my mom last weekend and sat down in front of a Motherhood Maternity. To be hoenst, at that moment I was pretty happy I didn't have to figure out a pregnancy size for a bunch of tent-like clothing, didn't have to worry about C-sections, loss of bladder control, heartburn, episiotimies, or all of the other less-than-savory parts of pregnancy and childbirth.
Since I JUST finally became ok with it, happily I'm in a place where it doesn't bother me. HOWEVER, I don't think anyone will 100% be over it for good with no sadness or regret - as humans, I don't think that is possible.
If you consider the loss of a loved one, the pain lessens and the thoughts don't consume you as much after the years distance you from them, and you can actually have really good, happy, peaceful memories. Every once in a while, for any reason at all, it all comes WHOOOOSHING back and you can't help but cry or be sad or feel what it was like that moment you lost them.
I think pregnancy/lack of ability to get pregnant, etc. all is related emotionally the same way. It doesn't lessen the joy of the children we do have or will have via adoption at all - but it does hurt. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Blogs: Our Growing Family - CT Working Moms
You know when I was a teen and early 20s I had 'pregnancy pangs'. I don't know why I guess my motherhood clock was ticking young.
As I matured and realized fully the reality of not becoming pregnant it has become more reality and I don't even think about it.
To be honest, I know this is just a coping mechanism but I think about all the things that I would MISS or that would really suck about being pregnant or giving birth. I just read over on the birth story board and lol that usually cures any thoughts about giving birth. Though I do fully believe that pregnancy and birth are beautiful - don't get me wrong. I just think that my mind fully caught up to reality and I think that I wouldn't want to be pregnant now.
After now 'having' Grant, I know that I would not want to give birth - as beautiful and wonderful as he is. I sometimes barely get through the day as a new mom who is always tired, always smelling like formula, and just wore down some days - I couldn't imagine also adding to that pregnancy hormones and the tiredness and stress that the body goes through in recovering from pregnancy on top of being a mom.
I know a lot of that sounds selfish. But it is what it is. I'm good with not getting pregnant or giving birth.
I can relate to the feeling of loss of missing out on a pregnancy. When we first decided to adopt and for several months after my daughter came home all I could think was how I would get to experience pregnancy one less time, that I would never get to feel my DD move in me or tell her how it felt and I was angry that her birth mother got to have all of that and didn't even care enough to take of her and the baby during the pregnancy - in fact she was wreckless. That sense of loss and anger I think contributed to my PAD.
I can say now that I am at peace with it and I don't have the feeling of loss anymore. I love how I have two children with very different stories and that I have been lucky to have more than one experience of growing my family. I hope to have more children down the road, but we'll see how we feel in a year and what path we decide to take.
Well as someone who has experienced it ALL.... this is how I feel....
I had 2 bio children when I was in my 20's and never really cherished it...yeah I liked being preg and the great feeling of them inside of me BUT it was an exhusting time and one that I totally took for granted.
Then years later having 2 m/c one that was in the 2nd trimester I swore to myself that if we were ever to get preg again I would cherish every nauseous,vomitting, aching minute of it. Because feeling the lose of a m/c is at times to much to bare.
In 2007 we got preg again and I did just that I cherished every ache and pain and reminded myself just how precious this preg was. Even during his labor and delivery.
NOW as we wait for our travel call to go to Korea to bring home our baby son....I realize that you do not need the physical aches and pains because we all know the mental aches and pains of adoption can be overbearing at times!!! I feel the same anxious excitement when I talk about him as I did with my other children. I will admit that in the beginning when we would go shopping especially to places like BRU I did have the feeling sometimes that we are shoppiing for someone elses baby BUT as time gets closer that feeling has disappeared!!!!
Maybe I am lucky in the respect that I have experienced all situations.....but take it from my ladies....................you are a MOMMY either way and you don't need the "scars or stretch marks" to prove it!!!
I totally grieve the loss of the pregnancy experience. Even as a little girl, I thought about having babies and being a mommy. Then in my twenties, the parenting thing didn't appeal to me; for a while, I even thought I'd forgo being a parent altogether. But then I met my husband - and I wanted nothing more than to bear a child with him. Every one of our 5 M/C broke my heart. I can't even describe the pain.
Now, I've accepted that I will never be pregnant again or give birth. Even though I can get pregnant, I take birth control to prevent it because I don't want to go through another loss. Sometimes, I get these nagging thoughts about losing a bunch of weight and trying again - just to see if that made a difference (even though the doctors all told me that it doesn't).
I think that's why I have such a hard time with decorating a nursery or buying stuff. Deep down, I guess I sometimes feel like a fraud because I'm not a "real" mommy - because I'm not pregnant and no baby, adopted or biological, is in my house.
Luckily, the bad feelings are only occasional and I'm starting to get more and more excited for the adoption. I'm sure some people will read this and think I'm maladjusted and maybe not over my infertility. But it's been almost 2 years since the last M/C and time does take away the sting. I'd rather be honest with myself, and acknowledge the feelings, than deny their existence and bottle it all up.
I do sometimes get sad...and not because I want the attention of being pregnant, but more that it kills me that I can't give DH his own biological children.
I have lost several children to misscarriages, so I think it'd be really hard for me emotionally go to through a pregnancy, always freaking out about every single symtom. I think (??) i'm at peace with not becoming pregnant... I still have that drive to be a mother though.
I know I would have taken it pretty hard if I'd never been pregnant. As it was, we struggled with infertility, so I relished every moment of both pregnancies. I loved the nausea, bloat, etc.
However... my pregnancies scared the daylights out of me. With my son, we knew at 20 weeks that there was something not quite right - he was missing an umbilical artery (we later learned this was just the tip of the iceberg with his issues). I worried, but was oblivious to the fact that I myself was becoming quite sick (I had a terrible doctor who also didn't pick up on all my symptoms...). Then at 35 weeks I was suddenly very sick with pre-eclampsia. The day I was diagnosed, they rushed me to the hospital and did and emergency c-section. We were completely blindsided. My son spent 22 days in the NICU and got an infection, and I had to be re-admitted to the hospital a week after discharge due to blood pressure issues. It was incredibly traumatizing and I developed nasty PPD. Then at 3 months old my son developed bacterial meningitis. We were told he likely wouldn't survive the night. God, I can't even type these words without tearing up. Anyway, he survived, and after 10 days in the pediatric ICU, he came home. Against all odds, he has no lingering effects. We were told that if he survived, we could expect a deaf child with significant brain damage. God is truly good.
I got myself counseling after all of this, and with a new doctor's blessing, felt confident enough to try again. I treasured my 2nd pregnancy too, and was delighted when our 20wk ultrasound showed no abnormalities. At 26 weeks, though, I got very sick and whaddya know? Pre-eclampsia already!! I spent 9 weeks on bedrest, saw my ob 2-3 times a week, had weekly bloodwork and 24-hour urine catches, and was hospitalized twice. Baby had intra-uterine growth restriction, so we were walking a very fine line on whether it was safer for her inside or outside the womb. Couple that with my sky-high blood pressure, and there were a few panic attacks. I was terrified of having a stroke, or finding out the baby had died, etc. I begged my doctor to just admit me to the hospital until she was born, because lying in bed at home with no monitors was not good for my worry. Plus I was unable to mother my toddler or be a contributing member of the family (luckily my employer didn't complain about me being out for 17 weeks!). My 2nd baby was also taken by emergency c-section at 35.5 weeks, and spent 11 days in the NICU. I battled blood pressure issues for 6 months afterwards again.
And that was the short version!
Like I said, if I hadn't gotten to experience pregnancy, I think I'd have a lot of grief over it. Given my experiences though, I'm absolutely terrified to ever be pregnant again. We want more kids, but never again from my own body.
I just got home from work, and have not read all of the other posts. I am very lucky that I did get to experience pregnancy. However, I didn't exactly have a normal pregnancy and still feel pangs of sadness from time to time. As I've mentioned before, I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 5 months pregnant. The next two months were filled with a combination of excitement for my new baby, and pure terror of the disease growing inside of me. My son was delivered two months early, so that they could stage and treat my cancer. In the end, everything turned out great. My son is perfect. Absolutely perfect. I am cancer free. However, I am sad that I didn't get to experience the giddiness that comes with expecting a baby. I never got huge. I don't know what it is like to go into labor, or to have your screaming newborn placed on your chest after delivery. I have no idea what it feels like to take a brand new baby home from the hospital. I DO, however, know how lucky I am to have experienced pregnancy at all. I cherish every moment of good memories. I am also very, very lucky to have a biological child. I know that many women never get that opportunity.
Do I get sad moments now? Sometimes. When I see a pregnant woman, I honestly sometimes think "wow...she has a uterus". Is that weird? I'm sad that I won't get to feel that again. However, I cannot say that I would rather be pregnant than adopt. They are two completely different methods to grow your family, and I honestly do not believe that one is better than the other. I have accepted the fact that I can't have additional children, but at the same time I sometimes wish I could feel the hiccups, kicks and flutters again.