If anyone is still up . . .
To all of the night owls (and maybe the early risers):
I am wondering if I should tell my mother about the m/c. We had a surprise pg (our first) and decided to wait until the standard 12 weeks to tell family about the baby. Coworkers knew because of the nature of my job, but were sworn to secrecy, and a couple of close friends knew.
Well, of course, a couple days shy of 12 weeks, I was in the hospital miscarrying. It was a huge ordeal - uncontrolled bleeding ending in a D&C - and I just did not have the time to explain everything from the hospital. It was just too much, and we had to have our mourning time. I didn't tell them right after it happened. I even went over to their house but there was other family there that didn't necessarily need to know. Now it is about 3-4 days out and I will be meeting my mother tomorrow. I really have the urge to tell her about the m/c but I am not sure if this is a good idea. I might be kicking myself for it. If my mother feels a loss and starts to grieve over this, then she might lash out. This is sort of her response to situations/losses that are hard to handle. I am not sure if I can comfort her about this. And I am not sure if she won't blame me . . . you know, say things like "If you wouldn't have gone on that vacation while pg . . . "
I have no idea how she will react, and don't know what to do. This is the exact reason why we didn't tell in the first place, so why do I want to spill the beans?
Did anyone else have a similar situation, or did your moms already know?
Re: If anyone is still up . . .
It's hard to say. I don't know what you mean by lash out, but if it just means making you feel bad then there's no way I'd tell her, you don't need anymore stress then what's on your plate already. If you tell your mom it should be you're telling her because you know she'll support you through this tough time. If you have support in other ways I wouldn't bother.
I told my mom about pregnancy 1, and than had to for 2 because she still hadn't told my grandma 2 months after m/c 1 that I had m/c. So I don't her not to bother anymore, that I was pregnant again.
With pregnancy and m/c 3 I didn't tell her, even though in the beginning we were told it was more complicated than it turned out to be.
I live quite far from my mom though. She's in Canada and I'm currently in Russia, so if I were closer I'm not sure I could hide it as easily.
Good Luck on whatever you decide.
hmm, this is a tough one since you know your mom and know what she's capable of. but then again, just because she may have "lashed out" at certain situations in the past doesn't mean she would with this. yes, it's sad news for her... but you're the one who went through this, you're the one who needs comfort, and you're her daughter and she should know that.
it's been my experience that keeping secrets suck. you don't have to go and tell the whole world about the m/c, but telling your mom may help you heal. my only advise is before you do it, make sure you have an escape route, so that if she starts acting in a way that you know will upset you, you can say "mom, i love you but you're hurting me right now and i can't be around you if you act like this" and flee the scene before too much damage is done.
good luck today, i'm sending you positive vibes!
It doesn't sound like there is a particularly good reason to tell her (i.e. she's not going to be supportive, it might in fact cause you more stress). You can always change your mind later. I told my mom (didn't speak to my dad because I knew he would say something odd). And she said one nice thing and two odd things. One of them being, "well if you had tried to have babies a couple years ago when you were younger..."
So, my point is, do what will cause you less stress. And you don't have to decide today, you could tell her in a month if you really wanted to. GL