a very long vent regarding the blues

someflower6

i'm feeling pretty down tonight. i was feeling pretty ok throughout the day, but something hit me and i began to feel very down and alone (hubby wont be home til late). i don't know if it's the hormones or just one of those punches that reality likes to deal every now and then... anyway, i sent a text to a few friends saying i was feeling blue, and one of them replied not to worry, and that it will happen for me one day-- it being having a baby.

although i do worry, and i do get blue, about the possibility of never being able to have a child, what i'm feeling now isn't about that. it's about the pregnancy i lost. just 2 days ago, i woke up thinking i was pregnant. since my BFP 6 weeks ago, i've been walking around thinking i was pregnant. i know my peanut (dh and my name for the baby) and i didn't know each other very long, but we were so CLOSE. it's the only way i can think to describe it without feeling cheesy. i felt EVERYTHING. i felt morning sickness every day, all day. i felt my sore boobs. i felt my headaches, and my backaches, and every other ache and i knew that was all because i had peanut growing inside of me. every thing i ate or drank, every dream i had, every action i took centered around peanut. and then, all of a sudden, peanut was gone. MY peanut. THAT peanut. not some peanut that i may have at some point in the future... this baby that i knew and was excited for, was gone. and i'm really sad about it.

with everyone encouraging me to try and get pregnant right away, it's very tempting to give in to that. our original plan was to wait awhile... dh and i just got married last october and we wanted to take this year to go on trips and get some stuff in order with finances and the house and our health. getting pregnant was a suprise... now, with the loss of peanut, it provides an opprotunity to do all that again. a part of me is tempted to say to heck with it and just start trying right away. but i think, for me, for now, it's not that i just wanted to be pregnant... it was that i wanted my suprise peanut. and now i feel lost, and i miss my peanut very much.

i'm sorry this was so long, and i don't blame you if you stopped reading 2 paragraphs ago. i'm going to attempt to go to sleep now, and when i wake up hopefully i will be in a better mood. i hope you all are having a good as it can be night.

TeenyLilac

((hugs)) I understand completely what you're talking about.  I think that's the hardest part about coping with a m/c (wanting something you can never get back and knowing it'll never quite be the same) and no one can understand it unless they've been through it.  It's just so hard.

 FWIW, my first m/c was a surprise PG too.  We had also planned to wait a while.  It was kinda hard to wait at first.  But, after a few months I remembered why we were waiting and started to feel better about it.  Just take some time to think about it and I'm sure you'll figure out what's best for you.

mindyschaller

Things will get easier. I tried to explain exactly what you are describing to a friend of mine who has never been pregnant, and she said "well at least you know you can get pregnant anytime you want"... I almost flipped out on her..  I want the baby that I felt, and saw on the u/s and named and planned for and dreamed about. Also, it's not just "a pregnancy", it was a baby. Our baby, and now he or she is gone and there is nothing that will replace that little person. Just because your baby was a surprise doesn't make it any less of a loss. I know exactly what you are feeling, and it does get better. I don't know if those random bad days every stop showing up, but I know that eventually it will get better and when you're ready and everything is right, things will work out just the way that is meant for you and your family.  ::hugs:: I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you tonight

sinisterkat01

I don't have any great advice for you - my m/c was just 2 days ago as well and I am trying to figure some things out.  Our pg was a complete surprise.  We really weren't (and still aren't) completely ready for a baby.  The finances were not in order, and we were (are) still rehabbing our house.  To be honest, I wasn't really sure that we wanted children.  But something changes when you become pg, and I understand everything that you are saying about your "peanut".  I am now mourning the loss of something or someone that I didn't know I wanted in the first place.  But now I would give anything to have that back.

We are debating whether or not to start TTC.  As you can see by my ticker, I started throwing myeslf into thinking about trying again (or for the first time) but I am not sure if it is the right move.  We should probably fix our house, save some money, etc.  It will probably be much less stressful when or if we become pg again.  But it is so hard to think about waiting . . . I just want to be pg again.

So I know where you are coming from.  No great advice, but hang in there and I hope tomorrow is a better day.  ::hugs::

someflower6

thank you ladies for all of your support. i just really needed to vent last night, it was rough. i woke up feeling sad, but still better, like a little bit of a weight was taken off my chest. i'm sorry you're all going through this, but i'm glad i'm not alone.  

best to you all.