Parenting after a Loss

how CIO is working for us (LONG)

I know there are a lot of different opinions about CIO which is why I decided to wait a week before posting anything about this. I didn?t want to let my instincts be clouded by anyone else?s opinions. I never in a million years thought I'd have to do CIO with DD. She has pretty much always STTN and has been able to put herself to sleep from the beginning. But her napping habits have always been horrible. She?d go down just fine but always wake up after 30 minutes no matter what.

So many people have told me that this is fine, at least she STTN, maybe all she needs is 30 minutes, every baby is different, etc. etc.. Even the nurse at my pedi office said you can't do sleep training for naps.

But I know my daughter. And I've known for a while that something wasn't right and that she wasn't getting the rest she needed. She was overtired and cranky and clingy and miserable just about all day long. I kept asking myself is she just a cranky baby?!?!?! And of course that made me cranky and miserable too. It's really hard to go-go-go ALL day with a cranky baby and only get a 30-minute break here and there. It wasn't working for me. It wasn't working for her. And I knew there was no way this was going to work in 5 months when another baby is added to the mix.?

I tried EVERY type of sleep training. I read EVERY book. I tried to do it as gently as I could. But any time I tried to soothe her, it just upset her more. I think it was confusing for her when I'd go in her room and then leave again. Or stay in her room but not pick her up. None of that worked for her at all. It all seemed to make it worse. I was convinced she hated me.?

So I totally gave up. Then I happened to be talking to a friend of a friend who had this same exact issue with her daughter. She gave me a solid plan that had worked for her and promised me there was hope. I decided to commit for a week and see what happened.

So here's what we've done. At the first sign of drowsiness (yawning, eye rubbing) I bring her upstairs, give her a bottle and put her down. And then I DO NOT go back to her room for an hour and a half. It doesn't matter if she is sleeping, playing in her crib or screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs. She is learning that this is her down time and she gets it no matter what. I do this twice/day.

The first few days were rough. She'd sleep her usual 30 minutes and then scream for an hour until I finally went to get her. It was horrible. I never could have done it without the video monitor (volume turned off) so I could see for myself that she was just fine and keep reminding myself over and over that I am her teacher and it is my responsibility as her mother to teach her how to soothe herself and get the rest she needs -- that this is a lesson that she'll carry throughout her entire life.

I shed some tears myself those first few days. It is SO hard to hear your baby screaming and just sit there and let it happen. I was sure she would hate me. But even after an hour of screaming, she was SO happy to see me. She had no idea how much time had passed. She just learned over and over that Mommy always comes. I was her biggest hero.

We are on day 6 right now. It's not perfect yet but we're seeing progress. She's learning. On day 3 (Mother's Day) she woke at 30 minutes, rolled over and went back to sleep for over an hour. This morning she woke at 30 minutes, cried for 5 minutes and then just chilled out for an hour snuggling with her lovey and playing with her book. Maybe she wasn't sleeping but she WAS having some down-time, which she desperately needs. We are 60 minutes into her afternoon nap right now. She woke briefly at 35 minutes, cried for 30 seconds and then went back to sleep.?

Her disposition is changing. She is SO much happier. She is more independent and less clingy. She even looks different to me.

And I am so much happier. I feel like I have my life back. I am the one in control again. I get my 3 hours to myself every day no matter what. I can't even tell you what a relief that is to me. I wake up every day excited for the day instead of dreading it. I really think I was starting to get depressed. All I can say is that this has changed EVERYTHING.

It?s taken a lot of commitment and a lot of patience. But it IS WORKING!?Anyway I really hope this story can help somebody else. Only you know what will work for you and your baby. Please feel free to page me if you have any questions. I know how overwhelming it is to deal with sleep issues.

Re: how CIO is working for us (LONG)

  • wow, that was really long!! bless you if you read the whole thing.
  • My hat goes off to you for letting her cry. I just can't do it. It makes me physically sick. I could throw up. Conner DOESN'T sleep day or night. Ever.
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  • That's awesome!  I'm so glad it's working.  We don't have a video monitor (i'd love to have one though!) but I can imagine that makes it so much easier for you to get through this.

     

  • I am glad it's working for you. :) Down-time is very important for the both of you and I am happy to hear that she is back to acting like her normal, happy self! :)
  • imagemrs_ross07:
    My hat goes off to you for letting her cry. I just can't do it. It makes me physically sick. I could throw up. Conner DOESN'T sleep day or night. Ever.

    It makes me sick too. Like physically sick. Honestly I had to turn the volume off of the monitor and turn up the tv or radio. DH works from home and had to wear headphones because his office is right next to her nursery. It did help to have him home for support. And this woman who told me about her daughter has checked in with me every single day. that has really helped too.

  • It is tough to let them CIO.  I hate to hear Sophia crying on the days that she doesn't want to take a nap, but I know she needs that down time too.
  • Thank you for this. And I WILL be paging you soon! :)
  • imageabj22:

    imagemrs_ross07:
    My hat goes off to you for letting her cry. I just can't do it. It makes me physically sick. I could throw up. Conner DOESN'T sleep day or night. Ever.

    It makes me sick too. Like physically sick. Honestly I had to turn the volume off of the monitor and turn up the tv or radio. DH works from home and had to wear headphones because his office is right next to her nursery. It did help to have him home for support. And this woman who told me about her daughter has checked in with me every single day. that has really helped too.

     

    my husband is never home, so I don't have that support.

  • i'm so glad things are getting better for you! we used cio with ds and it was rough for a few days but he's an excellent sleeper now. we'll do it again with dd, too.

    i try to stay out of the sleep issues threads on here because i'm afraid of being labeled a terrible mother for letting my baby cry, but this really works for some babies.

  • i m really glad you ve found something thats working for you and that you are seeing such an improvement in her moods!  i am always amazed that sleep is not a more natural thing to kids!  enjoy your rest!!
  • imagejwally:

    i try to stay out of the sleepissues threads on here because i'm afraid of being labeled a terriblemother for letting my baby cry, but this really works for some babies.

    Every time I feel like a terrible mother for letting her cry, I just remind myself that I am giving her a GIFT by teaching her to soothe herself and get the rest that she needs.?

  • imageabj22:
    imagejwally:

    i try to stay out of the sleepissues threads on here because i'm afraid of being labeled a terriblemother for letting my baby cry, but this really works for some babies.

    Every time I feel like a terrible mother for letting her cry, I just remind myself that I am giving her a GIFT by teaching her to soothe herself and get the rest that she needs.

    i had never thought of myself as their teacher (ironic, because i teach other people's kids all day long!) but it's true.  

  • Good for you! Every parent and child is different- you need to do what is best for your family!
  • neen01neen01 member

    glad you figured something out and everything is going well

    Jenna became a much happier baby after sleeping better at night and napping - I do a similar thing with naps twice a day for at least an hour so that even if she sleeps shorter she has some down time.  We have a video monitor too and it is cute to see her play in her crib when she wakes up.  She wakes up happy now since she is well rested which is so nice.


     

    Janine image image image
  • Awesome Andra!  I am so happy this is working for you.  I know a lot of people thought I was crazy when I did Ferber when Maya was so young, but honestly, it saved us.  She was a horrendous sleeper, both day and night, and Ferber totally changed it for her.  She went from being a fussy, TIRED baby, to a happy, content one.

    Now it doesn't mean that sleep is perfect.  She has nights when she wakes up. But I know that it is due to new changes... teething, new developmental skills, etc.  Sometimes her naps are still short.  Most of the time they are 1-2 hours.  

    Sleep is not a black and white issue.  You don't go from being a terrible sleeper to a great sleeper overnight.  And even once the babes learn new sleeping skills, it doens't mean there won't be bumps in the road.

    But I wholeheartedly agree - getting them to learn how to sleep is SO important.  I'm so happy you have some time back.  Cheers!

  • I nodded the entire time I read your post.  J5 was a 45 min napper and that was never enough for him.  He could only stay up for 30-45 mins between naps and he was clingy and whiny.  We would put him down for a nap and if he didn't sleep for an hour we'd let him cry for 30 mins and then get him up.  I think it was day 3 that he took a 2 hour morning nap!  I was sure he was dead.  It just got better from there.  Now his naps are 2-3 hours twice a day and he usually has an hour of "quiet crib time" before Daddy gets home from work.  He'll play with his feet and his lovey and suck on his pacifier.  Or he'll just talk and work on his "sounds" that he makes.  Even though he doesn't usually sleep he really benefits from that alone time.  Also, he stays awake for 2-3 hours between naps and we have nothing but fun!

    Sorry to piggy-back on your post, but I wanted to add another "There is Hope" story.  :)

  • that is awesome that things are working out for you! 
  • That is really fantastic!  I'm thrilled to hear you're doing better.  Your comment about starting to feel depressed really rang true for me.  We're doing sleep training at night now, not just because baby and I need our sleep, but also because he's still so moody, and so clearly needs more sleep.  It's sleep training or Prozac for both of us at this point!
  • good to read you have a happy baby back.  Although I'm not a CIO advocate and could never do it with DD1, she was a happy baby even though she wasn't a great sleeper. Our efforts were more to get us more sleep since she seemed to do fine on what she got.   I can't imagine how frustrating it is to have to deal with sleep deprivation and a cranky baby.  Hope it continues for you.  Just think of all the knowledge you'll have when # 2 comes along.  A friend of mine swears by the Baby Whisperer and she used her EASY methods when her first was a few mos old, and used it on her second soon after he was born and he did great on it.
    image
    Go Steelers!
  • I am really happy that it is working for you! I am gearing myself up to start doing some limited CIO too. It IS hard, but that's what parenting is about. If we all only got to do the fun, easy stuff...we, we'd be grandparents. :-)
  • That is GREAT that you are able to find something that is working for you.  I'm thankful I haven't had to do CIO yet because I'm not sure I'd be strong enough.  Her naps are getting to be pretty bad though, so if it comes down to that, I hope I have as much strength as you!  Good job!
  • I'm really glad that you have found something that is working so well for Avery. ?The fact is each baby requires something different. ?I never thought I would do Ferber or CIO....but I ate those words after a month of crappy sleeping. ?Ferber worked for Ethan and now I am a strong advocate for it.

    I'm so glad that Avery is so much happier...babies DO need their sleep and they DON'T know what is best for them, that is what mommies and daddies are for :)


    A?

    imageimageimage

    image



    M/c #1 - 10/30/07 - 5w3d, DS1 - born at 36w, M/c#2 - 12/7/09 - 5w, M/c #3 - 1/13/10 - 4w6d, 
    M/c #4 - 3/16/10 - 5w1d, DS2 -  born via VBAC at 40w3d, M/c#5 - 11/5/12 - 7w2d
    BFP #8 - 5/5/13- Looks like a sticky one! DS3 - born via epi-free VBAC at 39w1d

  • Now this is what the PAL board is all about:)

  • Andra-

    Good for you for finding something that works!  I know how hard life can be with a sleep deprived child.  He would nap, but he wouldn't sleep at night.  After 3 nights of CIO, he too was a changed child.  Sometimes during the day he screams, and I put him in his crib because both of us need the downtime, and we both are better for it.  

  • I think this board is very support of CIO! And I think thats great its working well for Avery!! GL!
  • DD has slept through the night a total of 3 or 4 times in the first year of her life.  We've done CIO the Ferber way, and it worked for about a month and a half.

    She got sick though, and things went to hell. We might have to try Ferber again. However, he doesn't advocate letting them cry for an hour and a half straight.  And I could never do that, no matter how sleep deprived I am.  It's just not worth it.

    You have to do what works for you.  Glad things are improving.

    image
  • (((hugs)))) I know how hard this is! I know it's not for everyone, but CIO worked really well for us too. But good for you for being strong about it and realizing that you are teaching her and she won't hate you. In the long run, she will be happier. That's really all that matters.
  • We started CIO around 7 months for bedtime with DD. Within 3 days she was STTN. Next came working on naps. Up until then she only slept on me, major PITA! We started doing the same routine for naps as at bedtime. She now takes 2-3 hour naps in her crib!

    Being a SAHM, I feel like a different woman since we have sleeping down to a science!

    Glad to hear your DD is finally napping like every baby should!! Or at least every parent hopes their baby would nap!

  • i'm glad that you're finding something that works!  i know how hard this has been for both of you.
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