I fear that a friend's IF and m/cs are affecting our friendship...

rowanthefrog · May 2009

I guess this is a vent....bc, I COMPLETELY remember how upset and bitter I felt towards pregnant women or women with babies right after my m/c. ?But, it still hurts.

A pretty close friend of mine has had a very difficult time getting pregnant. ?I will admit that at first I kind of thought that her docs were being irresponsible and making her worry for no reason (she went off the pill but wasn't TTC, only charting, but didn't ovulate for several months. ?She is a tiny girl (100-110 lbs maybe), so was told that if she gained 10 lbs she would probably ovulate...but also given the option to start IVF....she chose to start IVF immediately, without really actually TTC on her own, naturally. ?I was a little confused about her decision to start IVF after only being off the pill 4 months and never really trying on her own, but I tried to be supportive...then she got pregnant, and had a chemical pg/early m/c. ?She did her 2nd round, and got pg again...and another chem. pg. ?It has been several months now...still no natural ovulation. ?And I feel like an a$$. ?She has been pursuing adoption simultaneously as well.

Since I moved it has been hard to stay in touch. ?I call and email regularly - she calls me back, but seems distant. ?I realize that she is going through such a hard time (it doesn't help that since I have gotten pg and had Ethan that her 2 other best friends also got pg and had babies recently.) ?She knows about my m/c, and I talked her through her first one, but I can tell she is distancing herself. ?I don't blame her, I would do the same I think - her DH and mine are best friends...but it still hurts. ?I really really hope she gets pregnant again soon - successfully....bc I know its what she wants, I know she will be an amazing mom and bc I ?miss my friend.

A?

mlf625 · May 2009

Yeah, I think you already know this, but you just need to give her space. ?It's fairly likely seeing you with Ethan (even if just in pictures, on FB, etc.) and your other friends with their babies is just more than she can handle. ?After my 2nd m/c, I shut out a few friends who had recently had babies. ?I know I hurt them (since having Anderson I've talked to each about it and they admitted they were hurt by my distance) but it was my way of coping. ?I'm very fortunate they both cared enough to get over the hurt feelings and our friendships are just as strong as they were before.

Hang in there, continue checking in with her (and as I'm sure you are doing- keeping the baby talk to a minimum) and just know that she'll come back to you when she's ready.?

Mrs.Mclstar48 · May 2009

I can totally relate to you. My close friend has been struggling with some major MIF. Her DH produces ZERO sperm. Literally. Discovered a brain tumor and now that the brain tumor is gone he still isnt producing sperm or even enough testerone to produce enough sperm to be candidates for IVF. He went thru a downward sprial emotionally and wont consider adoption or sperm donor. Not to mention she had a tumor removed off her tube which was discovered after she charted and realized she didnt O.

Here I had a m/c but now a baby. I was pregnant with DD before the tumors were discovered and I felt distance immediately. She insists it doesnt bother her but I can tell it does, She's now in a "I dont want kids and want to be selfish" which is 1/2 a lie. I know her, she does not feel this way 100% but if it helps her get thru this for now then I accept it and dont push it.

But the distance is still there. I dont want to call attention to it but I want my friend back too. I just need to let her go through it the way thats best for her and I will always be there for her. I am sure the wedge between us will fade soon and hopefully the same will happen for you & your friend! Big hugs!

Future Mrs Rubins' · May 2009

I totally understand... I am going through the same thing with my two of my Best friends. One is completly open with me and asks questions. I taught her how to chart and loaned her my CBEFM. I have gone to the store and bought preseed and instead cups for her. The other has almost stopped talking to me, Does not want to talk about her treatments with me......Nothing. I love her so much ( we were way closer than friend #1) I Have learned so much about IF from these boards and I really want to help and support her as much as I can. I also have to put in that she was to be Mackenzie's godmother and was so amazing when we lost her. I have no idea what to do.

cloud9climber · May 2009

I've vented about this recently a couple times too. ?I'm so sorry. ?I know exactly how you feel. ?(((big hugs)))

pinkwedding05 · May 2009

I see why you are upset, but I was in your friend's shoes for 2 years and I distanced myself from EVERYONE, not just friends with babies. There were days that I couldn't speak to my own mom or sister, even if it wasn't baby related. I'm surprised they jumped to ivf like they did, but it sounds like they made the best decision.

I actually wrote several letters once we were safely pg to try and assure our friends that it was never personal. They didn't know what we were going through and there were times that I am sure it seemed like we had a problem with them or their babies. That was never the case, we were just hurting too bad to socialize. I didn't apologize because I believe we did what we needed to in order to survive, but I did want them to know that it was about our pain, and not about them. Luckily there are no hard feelings.

IF changes you, and in my own opinion (no flames please) it was more devastating that my m/c's is some ways. Hopefully you will be close again someday, but for now I would give her all the space she needs.

rowanthefrog · May 2009

I am giving her space.....and I will be ready for her whenever she is ready for me again. ?My older sister suffered through years of IF plus I have read about so much on these boards.

I 100% realize that her pain is great....greater than I can imagine. ?I'm just sad, bc I miss her.

A?

Skatcat · May 2009

That's a tough row to hoe, my friend. Pink is right...IF changes you in profound ways. I am not at all proud of how bitter and miserable I was when I was going through it. After my m.c, I couldn't even look at pregnant women without wanting to spit venom. I am sorry for her and for you.

I think that giving her space is great, but I also think that if you were to write her a letter and tell her how much you miss her and love her, she would be grateful. She may not reply right away, but someday she'll tell you how much it meant to her.

ncsubride · May 2009

Big Hugs! I am sorry that you and your friend are going through this hard time.

lolalillie · May 2009

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Having also been dealt the blow of IF and m/cs I too understand where your friend is coming from. I agree with Skat and think maybe writing her a letter would help. Truth be told, she may or may not ever be the same friend or you all may not have the same relationship as before. IF changed me and it made me re-evaluate various aspects of my life. There were days where I felt so terrible that talking to DH was about all I could handle. I was in such a dark place and I really did not even know which way was up. The two years that I lost to IF are such a blur. And my best advice is that when she does talk to you, just listen. Even if you heard of an awesome treatment on here, just listen. So many times friends and family were trying to be helpful and their 'advice' pushed me farther away. I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your friend. I hope she will be back to being your friend soon and that this is just a little bump in the road. You are being a great friend for caring for her and worrying about her.