Parenting after a Loss

Tired but can't sleep... anxiety about everything.

It's 2am and...

I'm laying here?

tossing

and

turning

and

tossing

and

turning?

...thinking about the argument that DH and I had about rice cereal - yep, rice cereal. ?I'm so annoyed with him right now. ?

And, I know I talk about it a lot but I'm really depressed about my body. My stomach is still really big and nothing fits. ?I go back to work in a month and have no clothes to wear. ?It doesn't help that I work in the E! Entertainment building where everyone is young, thin and beautiful. ?My self esteem is really in the crapper. ?I really thought thought that my body would bounce back better from pregnancy since I was in such good shape before getting pregnant. ?I think I'm screwed because it's harder the older you get and I'm turning 38 soon. ?If I can't find the time to work out now, then how the heck will I find the time when to do it when I go back to work full time? ?UGH. ?I think my DH thinks I'm fat. ?I know he does. ?I want to be thin again for me for sure but also for him - I want him to be attracted to me. ?

I'm freaked out about going back to work - what if I hate it? ?I'm gonna miss my little baby and just as he's starting to get really fun. ?

My MIL is coming to stay for 3 months - eek! ?What's that going to be like? ?Anxiety building...

I'm thinking about my friend who yelled at me on the phone the other day. She's been struggling with IF (IVF 2x's - 4 m/c's). I bought her a yoga wellness/fertility DVD and she freaked out. Told me how insensitive it was and "how dare I give her something like this - like I haven't tried everything in the book to try to get pregnant." ?She told me that she took the DVD and ran it over with her car and then took a hammer to it - I kid you not! ?I've known this woman (she's 44 years old) for over 15 years! ?She's one of my closest friends. ?I was balling my eyes out on the phone telling her how sorry I was and how that I only had good intentions and that it was just a gift to help take care of herself - mind and body. ?I am so hurt by the things she said to me and I'm still in shock about how she said them - I don't know if our friendship will survive. ?I've been helping them with their adoption process and don't think she'll be able to think straight or act like a rational person again until she gets a baby. ?We need to take a friend break and I don't know how to tell her this without pissing her off forever.?

Then I'm thinking about my friend Jen who's DH just found out he has Thyroid cancer and whose little baby might be deaf AND she's about to have another little boy any day and all my talk about my fat gut and rice cereal seems silly. ?

I wish I could sleep. ?

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Re: Tired but can't sleep... anxiety about everything.

  • first off ((HUGS)). you probably just wanted to vent, but here's my 2 cents.

    everything you feel is completely normal (that probably doesn't help!).  my body was still wacky at 2mo pp too. i had an awesome stomach (my favorite body part, it really rocked!) and it's hard to see it 'puffy'.  but with each passing week i think it gets better. now 6mos pp it's far from flat and toned, but def more so than 2mo pp.  you'll get back there, it just takes a while (F*CK!). i can't believe how 'weak' our bodies got, isn't it crazy?!?! i used to climb a lot in college and i can't imagine how frustrating that is for you. even doing yoga i can't believe how wrecked my core strength is and don't get me started on my arms.  i've lost hope on my thighs.

    you come from a place of love regarding your friend.  her reaction is her reaction.  you had a loving intention.  as hurtful as it is, you might just have to let this one go (hard, i know)

    the rice cereal thing will probably blow over by morning.

    love to your friend who's going through so much right now. wow.

    i hope you get some sleep. anxiety sucks.

  • (((Hugs)))  I'm so sorry. Your complaints are completely valid, just because your friends are going through a lot doesn't mean that you can't vent about stuff.

    I'm sorry for both your friends, and that your one friend seems to be having a really hard time with the IF.  You are a great friend, she is just in a really hard place and can't see that right now.  I hope your friendship can get back to a good place.  And I'm sooo sorry about your other friend, that is so much to deal with.  She will be in my prayers!

    PP bodies are sooo frustrating.  I had a less than stellar body before getting pregnant (mostly due to m/c weight) but I still thought I'd bounce back sooner!  You will get there, and I'm sure you still are gorgeous  :)

    I hope you were able to get some sleep.

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  • Big Hugs! I hope you feel better today!
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  • (((hugs))))
  • We will have to talk about all this when I see you. But until then- huge hugs. I hear you on every one of those issues and it's a lot to deal with at one time. As for the friend with IF, I think you are being a wonderful and supportive friend to her, and it does sound like she is being irrational due to her pain right now. We all know how tough it can be to want something so badly and not be able to do it, but you of all people can understand and I KNOW you wouldn't do anything to hurt her intentionally- so just know that this is her issue and she will come around. You've done what you can and just b/c she's in pain, I kind of resent that she's taking it out on you. But maybe that's just me being protective of MY friend. :)
  • thanks so very much for the replies ladies. I appreciate it. I finally fell asleep and just got up with my little man. ?I feel better. ?

    xoxo?

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  • big hugs!!!

    I'm sorry you're having the anxiety.  Just try and sort things out one at a time.  Maybe your friend will realize she overreacted a bit after she has a few days to calm down.

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